the mondo beyondo list

Wow. Our assignment for Mondo Beyondo (yesterday!) was to post our lists. What a delicate thing it is. Even if I am in the business of holding space while helping others find their way to the other side of their fear, I notice that the fear does not necessarily dissipate for me easily (which is why I love the adjective “courageous,” which I define as “being afraid, doing it anyway”).

Last night while doing some process work, I noticed that what came up for me, from a very sad place, was a fear that I have “used all my wishes up.” I’m so lucky in so many ways, so fortunate, and have already had a number of amazing synchronous experiences that make for amazing stories to tell. Is it even realistic to hope for more and actually expect to get it? Am I selfish for wanting more despite all the good that I have?

This tapped me into realizing that I’ve resisted fully owning what I most want to do as a coach–I most desire to help other women who are, in so many ways, “just like me,” or who at least occupy the space that I used to occupy 24:7. Women who are smart and funny and big-hearted, who can make things happen and know they’ve done it before but who feel stuck for various reasons and aren’t sure how to make it happen again. Women who know that they have an amazing amount of potential, but they’re feeling sidelined by feelings of sadness or anger or just general powerlessness, and a therapy room isn’t necessarily the place they want to be because that’s a different type of work, perhaps work they’ve even done already, yet going it alone isn’t quite making the cut, either. Women who guilt the shit out of themselves with thoughts like, “I’m so lucky, I’m so fortunate, I’ve already had so many blessings…so what’s wrong with me, that I’m still not fulfilled?” Women who compare themselves with others and know it’s a losing game to do that yet still find themselves doing it, anyway, and then that part–the doing something that isn’t helpful even when we know better–spawns its own guilt and frustration. Women who have defined their lives by doing stuff and want to get off of that treadmill but who want to figure out what life means if they do that, step off the treadmill.

I think I’ve been telling myself for years now that I needed to continue with teaching not just for financial reasons but because the students that I teach, most of which need work on remedial skills just to prepare them for transfer level courses, needed me. Even if they thought I was the biggest bitch ever because I didn’t allow them to just do whatever they wanted, the important thing, the thing I have always known in the back of my mind, is that I cared. I have seen and read about any number of teachers who, bless their hearts, get so burned out or have so much life crap going on or just never really wanted to teach in the first place or who are bitter because they wanted a cushy Uni job but instead got this other job. I haven’t wanted to be those teachers. I’ve had this story that for my life’s work to be meaningful, it had to involve helping those who needed it most, and that had to involve helping people who had barriers in the race/class department.

I still believe that that is meaningful work to do, but through this practice of devoting daily time to really looking at what I want, I’m realizing more and more that it’s a subject I’m passionate about, and just not one that I’m fully invested in in this moment. What if that’s okay?

What if it’s just as meaningful to work with the women who don’t necessarily have all of these social forces working against them, but they are still in their own private hell (and from personal experience, I feel it’s okay to call it that), and that hell involves a constant barrage of self-criticism and feeling overwhelmed and scarcity around money and time and guilt because we “shouldn’t be” feeling that way?

What if it’s okay to just allow my heart to “want what it wants” and what it wants at this stage in my life is to let go of teaching and focus solely on the work I do as a Coach and workshop facilitator?

And with those questions, I noticed myself relax, and release, and a sense of peacefulness has followed me ever since this realization, even if I am aware that what follows is not necessarily quitting my teaching job tomorrow.

Let your heart want what it wants. Good things are there.

And, what follows is…my list!

1.) To have a relationship with Andy that is so strong and connected that it “leaves God speechless.”

2.) To fully heal and let go and forgive any past pain, especially with my parents.

3.) To lead one workshop a month, consisting of 20+ women, and for this to be my career and financial livelihood.

4.) To have a financially, creatively, and emotionally fulfilling coaching practice.

5.) To have a best female friend, with whom I can be completely loved and honored (and that I also completely love and honor).

6.) To publish my books and writing with editors and mentors who value my work.

7.) To own my own four-bedroom home in a safe area in the San Francisco Bay Area.

8.) To walk through the world with such big love that I connect easily and immediately with others and occupy a space of love and connection that leaves no one who meets me feeling like a stranger.

9.) To travel as often as I desire, without financial constraint.

10.) To have no aches, pains, or illness in my body.

11.) To have a healthy baby (Note to Universe: Feel free to put this one on hold for another 2-3 years!). ;-)

12.) To have complete financial independence (money in the bank) and financial freedom (freedom from the shame, guilt, and other ick that tends to surround money in our culture).

13.) To have a caring and committed tribe of friends.

I notice that I keep adding to the list, which I’m having a lot of fun with. I also notice that what I’m wishing for isn’t actually so far off from what I’ve got, and that’s really exciting to me. My relationship with Andy is one that is close and connected already, though we do fall out of integrity with it and there’s more ground to cover. I’m already doing the work of forgiveness and letting go. I’m already stepping into the dream of leading workshops. I’m already coaching part-time and with my newfound realizations around what I want to do career-wise, I’m planning to only teach part-time next semester. There are so many things on this list that I’ve already done a lot of prep and paving for, and that is exciting and beautiful.

Even if you didn’t sign up for Mondo Beyondo, I wonder: What’s your dream? (Totally makes me think of that guy at the end of the movie Pretty Woman, which is fun to laugh about. “What’s yo’ dream? Everybody’s gotta dream…gotta keep on dreamin’!”)