choosing out of flying solo

Photos don’t express how great the Next Step groups are!

There is this phrase that we “work on ourselves” and “personal growth” types sometimes use: “choosing out.”

As in, “I’m ‘choosing out’ on participating in that activity.” It’s a way of saying that beyond deciding not to participate, I’ve thought about my options and I’m consciously choosing what I would like to do, and my decision has nothing to do with the other people involved, though I respect them.

After another lovely Next Step weekend, I realized that part of this journey of letting go of teaching and fully embracing the work I want to do in the world involves “choosing out” of flying solo.

I don’t yet know how to walk in that space!

Here’s what I mean by “flying solo”: I have been someone who is….well…”self taught.” I have been someone who has been happy to share whatever I learn, however, I have often shied away from collaboration.

Collaboration can be disappointing. Collaboration can be frustrating. Collaboration has resulted in people criticizing my ideas. Collaboration has sometimes been full of betrayals or dishonesty. Collaboration has been a scary space for me to be in! So a pattern emerged from childhood and beyond: after seeing people flake or drop the ball, and feeling disappointed, I pulled back and flew solo. And after seeing people act in ways that were really frustrating, I pulled back and flew solo. And after hearing criticism, both well-delivered but hard to hear as well as unfounded and incredibly mean-spirited, I pulled back and flew solo. After a few instances where people said one thing but thought another (and, painfully, combined that with “behind the back” talk), it became easier to just do my own thing, stick with the person I knew I could trust (me) and fly solo.

And, by the way, I don’t want to give an impression that working with me in the past, with my own limited communication tools, has always been peachy. I have no doubt that I’ve done things that were frustrating, or flakey, or I’ve delivered criticism in ways that were far from kind–and man-oh-man is it hard to own my stuff around talking about people behind their backs and gossip!

This weekend, it occurred to me that this entire past year has been paving the way for really living in a space of collaboration and connection, rather than doing that space sort of “halfway” and “sorta kinda” and “if it feels safe.”

I’m choosing out of flying solo.

“The adventure you’re ready for is the one you get.” –Joseph Campbell

I’m so excited for this adventure!

The really cool thing is that as I’m choosing out of flying solo, all sorts of people and experiences are stepping out of the woodwork to help guide me along, to actively help me with collaboration. I’ve been talking to other creative and talented people that I know about putting together workshops that I’ve always dreamed of doing, and the excited energy of talking about that is just amazing. I’ve had multiple people reach out to me to offer marketing help as I continue to refine the new websites that I’ll be introducing here on October 1st. This is such a gift because marketing is this area that I have just avoided like the plague because I haven’t known how to do it authentically, and haven’t wanted to waste precious time pursuing a marketing avenue and finding that it doesn’t work.

Beyond that, the support has been amazing. I feel literally carried by the friends and family who, in my moments when I’m telling them that some inner critic Gremlin thing has come up for me, say, “Of course you’re going to be just fine!”

And that is such a huge gift, because the scary moments do come, the moments when I wonder if I’m just a huge fool to change careers “in this economy” (anyone else notice a lot of people tacking that phrase onto things?).

I feel very held by the people in my life, who are nothing but encouragement and excitement for me. And it is a testament to the changes I’ve chosen to make, too–if I may toot my own horn for just a second–because there was a point in time when I did not have that support from the people around me, and it has only been through letting go of some relationships and having this huge reckoning with others that I have been able to create this new community of people in my life who are all so, so amazing.

I wish, wish, wish that I had more time to write here lately. The lessons are coming so fast. Every day has this new gift quality to it. Something new to discover and get is in every moment. There’s new clarity. I’m asking old questions and the answers are astonishingly there and present.