Your Courageous Life

Last night, Fear hit–BIG TIME. It hit the way it had hit over a month ago, when I first decided to make so many changes in my life.

I’m not sure if it was the gray skies all day with not a single peek from the sun, or if it was working too much, or if it was being alone during the day and being very, very tired with a slight headache because goodness but these earrrrly mornings of teaching are seeming harder and harder when it’s dark outside…whatever it was, I noticed as the night was going on that I was feeling incredibly fearful.

I had difficulty sleeping all night. I was rocked awake by thoughts of things to do, fears about the new house we’re moving into, fears about money, fears that I was doing it all wrong and grasping, fears about my relationship, fears about friendships. I made a mental scan of people that I could call. It was either too late to call or I knew people were out of town or busy.

These are the times that are hardest–alone, with All of the Feelings Coming Up.

As I lay in bed, waking up and then trying to relax, slow my breathing, slow down, trying to not try, finally not trying and then being woken up by the loud patter of rain or sudden gust of wind rattling the windows, which started the whole process again…as I lay there, I felt fear, I felt scared, I cried a little.

And it was okay on some level, because I knew that it was all just moving through.

The feeling was very similar to being sick and laying in bed, unable to move or really do anything, too sick to even watch television or read, and just being completely in that. When I’m sick like that, I feel as if I’ll never get better. It seems positively unimaginable to think that there’s any way of recovering, and it’s difficult for me not to start beating myself up as I mentally go over every single possible thing that I ever could have done that would have resulted in me feeling this awful (not working out enough? forgetting to take vitamins? neglecting to see my chiropractor? not washing my hands after using BART? getting too close to that student who seemed really sick?).

But what else is there to do? It has to move through the body. It has to have time to do what it does and the cells in the body need the time to do their thing, too.

So this is what I experienced with the fear last night. I was laying there with it. There was no tool in that moment that was going to pull me out of it–no affirmation or stepping into positive thinking. So I just surrendered to it. I lay there, and I just went ahead and felt the fear.

It was total. It felt low and hopeless and shameful and like a secret to keep.

Yet even then, it was as if I was living a split life. One part of me was experiencing that fear and not resisting it, just completely surrendering to the experience. Another part of me knew that this was only a temporary state, it would not last.

It is true that eventually, I did fall asleep. Eventually, I did wake up and start my day. I have treated myself well today, and I did shake my booty and do some dancing this afternoon.

I relate this for a few reasons. One is that I think I would do a dis-service to others if I did go ahead and let it be secretive, to not admit the fear. I don’t think it matters how much work one does on oneself–the fear comes up. And that’s why I love the very concept of courage–it creates a space for ALL of it, rather than trying to pummel away the parts that are uncomfortable or hard.

Another part of me relates this because I like noticing how different this experience was, compared to past experiences. In the past, the fear would have come with a story, and that story would have been about how the fear was real, nothing else was real, and this would have made me spin into even more fear. 

I don’t “believe in” the fear the way I used to. It’s part of my experience, but it no longer has quite the influence on my belief system.

I want to be really honest about this process, about the ebbs and flows and ups and downs and challenges and rewards. I want to share all of it, even though I notice myself also feeling drawn to the nice little fantasy of appearing to “have it all perfectly figured out and together” (ha!). 

There’s enough self-help crap out there on the market, stuff that tries to convince us that if we follow XYZ step we’ll be guaranteed never again to have anything “come up.”  My aim is to create a space in my life where I am simultaneously having a big, far-out, completely huge vision for my life, and at the same time to create it as a process or a journey so that even as challenges arise, or the discomfort bubbles up, there’s gold in there.

Sitting with it, loving all of it, accepting all of it, releasing all of it. It is the closest thing I know to free.

Giveaway: Enter the giveaway here to win a 2010 Kelly Rae Roberts planner. What will you plan for your Courageous Year?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 13th, 2009 at 2:11 pm |