Your Courageous Life

it doesn't always look the way I think it will

When I was taking the Mondo Beyondo e-course, one of the things I wrote down on my list was to have a relationship with Andy that “left God speechless.”

What has resulted since then is that I have felt some of the hardest, toughest…CRAP come up. Even though we use tools that were taught to us by an amazing couples counselor, and even though we both do personal work, and even though we love each other–

yup, it’s true, there’s no getting around it: we run into conflict, get stuck, handle things without integrity, and then the challenge is put before us to clean up the mess.

I believe very strongly that in any relationship, it’s not how big/bad the mess is that matters the most. What matters the most is how you clean it up. Relationships can recover from big traumas, little traumas, and in-between traumas, but they really wear and tear when the trauma does not get a complete cleanup.

Not cleaning up a conflict completely is an open invitation for withholding and resentment–and, might I add, a complete and total energy drain. I equate it with knowing I need to take care of something and then not doing it right away and then all of that energy of going, “Oh yeah, I need to do this thing!” just completely wears at me, nags at me.

But I’m noticing that while my default is to go to an attitude of, “I wished for an even more amazing and loving relationship and now we’re fighting more–this must not work, this must be the wrong relationship, this must mean…” etc., etc., the truth is that this period of conflict could in fact be exactly what is needed to push us past a history of routines and habits and patterns that naturally developed after four and a half years of being together, three and a half of which have involved living together.

After all, I think, aren’t I learning something? Aren’t I learning lessons or practicing old ones of accepting people where they’re at, not controlling, not assuming that I know what is best for them? Aren’t I also learning lessons about caring for myself and taking care of me, even when I disagree with someone’s behavior?

This past weekend one of our conflicts centered around a behavior that I take issue with, yet it’s rightly stated that this is “my issue.” If someone else doesn’t see an issue with their behavior, it officially is my issue if I’m bothered by it or the meaning that I attribute to it. End of story. For a while, I was stumped. Where do I go with that? My partner isn’t going to change his behavior because he doesn’t want to. I’m not comfortable with that behavior. There are aspects of it for me that involve healing that I need to do. What now?

The gift of this was that it became this opportunity to reach out and get support, and to see how the perfect support that I needed showed up at the perfect time. By the time I was done doing process work (screaming and crying with my anger/frustration/sadness) and getting support from someone, something had lifted for me and while I still didn’t feel a change in my way of thinking about this particular issue, I did know that now I could be in the same room with Andy without resenting him or passing off passive-aggressive remarks.

I’m reminded that “it doesn’t always look the way I think it will look.” I could attach to a story that this conflict spells out some dark demon. Or it can be the single greatest thing that has ever happened to either of us. I simply don’t know. It doesn’t serve me to attach to a story about it.

I will say this, though, I am re-reminded of the truth that open communication in relationships, used on a regular and consistent basis, is always–and I do consciously use the word always, here–easier than cleaning up the mess later on. 

It’s a good reminder for me, when I want to cop out on/be lazy about being in integrity.

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