November 10th, 2009
oh yes, and –
So last weekend, on Saturday, I flew down to LA to see the CORE show. Actually, not just to see the CORE show–I also was craving some time away from moving/teaching/business/appointments…all of the “stuff” that was/is going on. I could feel in my body that I was on the verge of getting sick if I didn’t take it easy, and I could tell that mentally, I was in a very not-grounded place. Little irritations were building up and I was feeling disconnected. Perhaps the biggest sign of seeing that I am out of synch with me is noticing that I have trouble feeling genuinely grateful. Anytime I have difficulty feeling the lightness in my heart that comes with a true felt sense of gratitude, I know that something is very, very off and that it’s time to get back “into” me.
I was so happy to steal away. I arrived at my hotel and just…laid around. I wrote, I watched The Biggest Loser, I ate a Big Mac (I only allow myself McDonald’s when I’m traveling). Then I went to the CORE show and while I was there I saw some wonderful people, people I’d met before but hadn’t seen or been in contact with for ages, and people I’d never met but whom I’ve been chatting up on the info-ma-shun supah highway for awhile. There was this big room full of simply gorgeous artwork, and Anne Carmack did such a lovely job of putting it together. It was inspiring. It was great to connect with people one-on-one. It was even great to have moments of just sitting on a couch on the edge of the room, watching the busy buzz around me, resting.
Rest. It is so, so needed right now. I spent all day on Sunday resting in my hotel room until I headed back to San Francisco. I didn’t see any museums or go anywhere or do anything. I was fine with that. It felt good just to not have any to-do list in front of me, nothing I needed to take care of at that moment.
And then, Sunday afternoon, I could sort of feel it coming on: getting sick.
Ugh! Every frustrated synapse in me gets so, so pissed when I’m sick. I have this bargaining relationship with my body: “Hey, Body, how about this–I do whatever I can to evolve as a person and I will make sacrifices such as only eating Big Macs on special occasions and not seeing or doing anything in LA but resting because I can tell that that’s what you need, and you reward me by not getting sick. Deal? Deal!”
My body, however, does not make deals such as this. Instead, it all becomes an exercise in CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL. I have this idea in my head that if I just do everything right by my body, I’ll have glowing, perfect health. Actually, it does not work that way. I had days where I got sick or felt like crap when I ate a clean, raw foods diet. I had days where I got sick or felt like crap when I ate junk food. It’s sort of all relative, and most of it’s related to stress (in my opinion), so that’s where there’s the weak link. If I’m doing too much, the possibility of getting sick presents itself.
It did not help matters that my hotel room in LA was right above a major street and the hotel had not invested in good windows, so I basically heard all the traffic and noises that were happening below, which meant one bad night of sleep.
It did not help matters more when I arrived home and Sunday night and into Monday morning, Buddha cried at various intervals throughout the night. Andy reported that Buddha did this on his first night in the house as well. No word on whether he did it last night; with me being sick we stuck him in the guest house. I am now genuinely asking myself if it’s going to be possible to keep him. I had not bargained on getting a cat that howls at night (yes, food, litter, all of the essentials are covered–we have no clue what in the hell gets into his head at night, unless it’s just getting adjusted to the place/us).
I canceled everything today. We were completely out of food and I had to go to the grocery store, and this felt like a Herculean effort. I got home, took the refrigerated items out of the bag and put them in the fridge, and then went and collapsed into bed for a few hours. Blecch.
It is at these times–times like being sick, or when something royally shitty happens, that I know I am most called to put it all into perspective and be positive, but it is also at these times when Sarcastic Sally inside is going, “Are you kid-ding me? Positive? now?”
There is such a backlash against positive thinking, trying to see a larger picture, etc. There’s this idea that anyone who tries to do such a thing is woefully inauthentic, that positive thinking is in and of itself bullshit.
I think what I keep trying to find for myself is the space between. I want neither to indulge in being a complete angry pissy Victim–which means a commitment to not getting bogged down into that stuff (aka, thinking positively). At the same time, I’m wary of anyone who tries to convince me that I “shouldn’t” be feeling something negative, or that whatever is a source of pain or discomfort for me is “just an illusion.”
I agree that it’s an illusion–that the pain/drama that we create doesn’t ultimately matter in the great grand scheme of things. But guess what, Batman? It’s real in this moment, so it needs to be dealt with. Affirmations aren’t going to be enough.
Straddling that line today has looked something like this: outright complaining and just being pissed that I am sick, that I feel like crap, that I’m blowing my nose. You know, the whole “why me?” routine.
It has also looked like reminding myself to be grateful that I have no fears whatsoever that I won’t bounce back completely from this little cold, or that I have health insurance, or that I was able to cancel my coaching appointments today and that I was not teaching today. Then I slipped Oprah’s 20th Anniversary DVD collection into my laptop and hung out on the couch, watching that, and alternately laughing and crying.
And that might not be what the uber-enlightened folk think I should do, or what the snarkity-McSnarkerson’s of the world think is cool, but for me, it was real.
November 10th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
I think you’re in such a good place. There’s a difference between being falsely positive, and not really believing it because it’s what you “SHOULD” do, and being able to be a little pissy about the crap of being sick. Hope you feel better soon.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:48 am
Hope you feel better soon. I think when you are sick you have a permission slip to wallow a little and do whatever you need to to feel comfortable.
Try not to panic about your noisy cat – one of mine always reacts to changes or minor upsets by making disturbances at night – crying, scratching at the door, headbutting me in the nose etc! If I just ignore him and he realises he gets no reaction it usually just passes after a couple of days and he settles down again and starts sleeping through the night. Hopefully the same will happen with Buddha.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
I think finding that “space in between” is crucial. I might get some backlash from other for saying this but it is hard for me to trust someone that is uber positive all of the time. Something about it doesn’t feel real to me. Being sick stinks and can leave us overwhelmed with all of the things that aren’t getting done. Sometimes a day in front of the TV is a good way to recuperate and remind ourselves why we are so glad we aren’t couch potatoes when we are healthy!