Your Courageous Life

you say goodbye, but I say hello

Have you ever just had a haircut or a new outfit that just made you feel like the biggest, sassiest rockstar? Like you could walk into any room and feel really full-on fantastic, and not in that “I’m posturing to appear better than you kind of way,” but moreso in that “I feel like a million bucks and it shows!” kind of way?

For me, that is not a haircut or an outfit–it’s a color.

Lately, I am addicted to this sort of turquoise color. It started this past summer in Italy. I was going to allow myself to buy summer clothes, and I found this store called Promod. This color was everywhere, and I had made this new rule that I would only wear clothing if something in me said, “YES” when I saw it and then “YES” when I tried it on. No more buying the black cardigan because “it will work with so many outfits.” (!!!)

This color, again and again and again, was a “YES” color for me. I even randomly found it in coat form when I did a Google search for “coats lined with Thinsulate.” I was hardly expecting to find a.) a coat with Thinsulate and b.) a coat in MY COLOR, but here it is. (You may need to actually select the blue chip once this page loads to see a picture).

I find that when I wear this color, I feel like a million bucks, and it shows (oooh, but all of the critters come up when I type that, all of the brain-fucking about how it’s arrogant or who the hell are you to…? and all of that stuff. So, I’ll challenge myself not to hit the delete key…)

Is it just me, or has there been more than the normal amount of people saying that 2009 was a sucky year, and they’re glad to see it gone? I feel like I’ve seen a lot more of that on Facebook than I remember seeing in the past. I think 2009 was, for me, one of those BIG GROWTH years. There are those years where I’m treading water, or those years where everything’s easy, or those years where things majorly suck (!), but for me, 2009 was one of those years where I was just pushed right up against all what I’m comfortable with, and challenged to see if I could take it in a different direction, to grow.

It has been a year of letting go of So. Much. Resistance. to living bigger. What I mean when I say that is that I have felt the inspiration, motivation, and desire to just drop all of the muck, the “but I don’t feeeeel like it” stuff, the conflict. I am more willing than ever to do the uncomfortable work now rather than clean up a mess later. I am more willing than ever to own my part.

As 2009 winds to a close, what I find myself thinking of more than anything are three topics:

1.) Friendships lost. Why they were lost. How a part of me is still sad. How another part of me totally lets go. Where I’m noticing I don’t feel as connected now–why is that? What’s my part? And when I do feel total connection with someone, what’s the alchemy of that?

2.) Curiosity–what does life look like when I rearrange it so differently? What does life look like when I am totally steering the ship?

3.) Astonishment at finally feeling able to trust myself more (I didn’t think I would ever get here). It shows up in big ways like knowing that I needed to make a deeper career change and doing that despite many a night of stomach pain when the stress gets too big, and in smaller ways, like buying clothing that is this turquoise color and not particularly caring anymore if it’s impractical, if it can’t “maximize my wardrobe.”

I guess that what I’m getting at is that I really have valued 2009, for the cocoon that it has been. I don’t have a bitter taste in my mouth about this past year. I have learned so much, and I am thankful for how life is blossoming.