who would you "have to" be?

There was this moment awhile back where my coach/counselor/mentor Matthew looked at me really directly, straight in the eye, and said something like, “You realize that if you embrace this kind of work, you’re stepping into a whole different way of being in the world.”

It was in that moment that I fully got that while a part of me really wanted to live the life of my dreams, and was excited about what I saw as the potential of fully stepping into my power, and wanted to use tools and be in integrity with me and connect with everyone in my life, there was this very real other part of me that totally did not want any part of that. First of all, part of me didn’t want to to bother because I felt I’d hit upon a truth that was unsettling: “bad” things would still happen. Challenges would arise. I would get triggered. Finally, the truth–it’s all a continuum, there is no ending point where feeling good about life is wrapped up in a pretty little bow.

The other point of resistance was simply wanting to stick with what I’d grown comfortable and accustomed to doing. There was this other part of me that really wanted to stick to repetitive complaints, telling people that I “couldn’t,” etc. I just wanted to be the way I had been, negative, yelling, complaining, angry, prone to drama.

It shocked me to realize that there was this very influential piece of me that was quite content to be that way. Then it struck me that many other people are quite content to stick with that, too. None of us are “bad” or “weak.” We’re just human, and at the end of the day, we prefer our routines over something new. It all sounds “wrong” to say that–we are a world of people buying self-help books and seeking gurus and stretching our bodies into awkward postures hoping it will bring enlightenment. We run to e-courses and therapists and we journal furiously and we’re cathartic about our anger–and yet, I really do believe that most people experience, on some level, a very deep resistance to truly changing their own patterns.

This isn’t a judgement–I still have resistance come up! The only difference between before and after is that now I work with it.

The other day on the Courageous Year forums I posted a question for participants. In essence: “Who would you ‘have to’ be in order to step into living the kind of life you want to live?”

Even though I had not intended for this question to stick with me, stick with me it did. I kept thinking about that moment when I realized all that I would be choosing to give up if I really stepped up my game and started letting go of the petty stuff, having compassion in the face of cruelty, not judging when I felt vindicated in doing so, telling my 100% truth and accepting that someone else might not agree. Even though it sounds like it would be great to let go of all of that, there was this odd clinging that I felt–like I didn’t want to let that go! What would I put in its place?

Which brings me to the other point of resistance that I had–who I thought I would “have to” be if I stepped up my game was a.) perfect, b.) chipper, c.) cheerful, d.) having all the answers, e.) someone who would be made fun of. I believed that I would “have to” become a walking posterboard for empowerment and holding space and being nice. I thought that I’d probably have to stop buying things, especially things like clothing.

In particular, this was a point of resistance around letting go of my job as a teacher. I have received very different reactions when I answer the “What do you do question?” now that I’ve switched jobs. The look that comes over a stranger’s face when I tell them what I do is usually one of curiosity (“What is that, exactly?”) or a quick shut down (“Oh. Nice.”) presumably in the hopes that I will not pull out my business card and start trying to sell them on a “Buy four sessions, get one free” deal. There’s a lot of disdain out there for terms like “positive thinking” and “affirmations.” I can’t say that I blame people. The first time I ever picked up a book on the topic, I was excited and convinced it would work for me. The tenth time, it was like, “Nah. This doesn’t work.” Very discouraging. (P.S. I believe that both positive thinking and affirmations are, in fact, helpful–when combined with work that also acknowledges frustration, anger, etc. All of this put together, in the form of something that can be practiced in small increments, is what I attempt to do with The Courageous Year).

I think it’s important to say that whatever path you follow, if it’s truly authentic, it’s going to make room for the parts of you that feel too broken. It’s not going to tell you that any one part of you is bad, or push you to perfection. I still do all of the things that I thought I’d “have to” give up in order to live bigger: buy clothing, and eat the occasional burger at In and Out, and snap at people when I’m frustrated, and get discouraged. The only difference is the part where it’s practice. (Speaking of which, have you seen the latest PDF e-book? It takes 2-3 minutes to download and is ripe for coloring: http://bit.ly/d86pMU )

So I’m curious to know: who would you “have to” be if you were to fully step into living the life of your dreams, a life where you were completely fulfilled, a life where you took full responsibility for your choices, a life where you were living 100% fully alive and with authenticity? What old roles would you be giving up in the pursuit of that, and what new roles would you be adopting? And do you have any hesitance about adopting the newer role, either because of what others think or because it’s unfamiliar or uncomfortable?

P.S. Registration for Across Mediums closes at the end of this week–and starts Feb 15th! Fourteen days of experimental, creative fun that stretches you. And registration for a new group of Courageous Year participants will open on February 15th! Sign up for the mailing list to get first dibs.