what's your kryptonite?

fishhands

A few weeks ago, during a session with my own coach, he said to me–in a tone that was both loving and direct–“You still give away a lot of power to what other people think.”

He was absolutely right.

Now, I do make every effort to avoid describing people, situations, life in terms of EXTREMES–things are either one way, or another way. So I want to acknowledge myself up front for all the work that I have done in this area–work of letting go and letting others have their opinions, because their opinions are their work and my opinions are my work.

I also want to acknowledge that “what other people think” is still my kryptonite. On my best days, in my head I am totally powerful (with power being used in the sense of being powerful, not manipulating/controlling others). I’m soaring. I’m ready to live my vision. I’m ready to be completely abundant–financially, in my relationships, in friendships. I’m ready to share my dreams boldly and fearlessly with others, with the world. I’m ready to declare that I am a fantastic person, deserving of love and compassion–and that so are YOU, because we all are!

And all it takes is one ill-timed blog post where someone talks about how “annoying” happy people are, for me to shrink up; who wants to be made fun of as one of “those” people?

Or noticing that when people are ganging up together to complain or vent, I don’t want to be left out of that conversation by either not participating or by suggesting that there might be a solution to a problem. I mean, what a conversation stopper–”Well, what if we thought about…” in the face of a problem? I can already hear the crickets chirping! The pull to get in my own complaint so that I can be part of the group is really, really strong.

I mean, in these past few weeks I have actually felt, in bits and pieces, that it almost feels “wrong” to be happy! How can that be? Isn’t that what we’re all striving for? Isn’t that why people go to therapists, get into relationships, buy books, take trips? To be happy? Aren’t we all (or most of us) saying to ourselves that we want to live big, we want to live with freedom from self-criticism, we want to put ourselves out there?

Yet then there is the backlash when someone actually IS happy–How “annoying” they are! Look how they try to act like they’re perfect. She’s pretending to know it all! What a faker! Everyone’s just trying to be a “guru” these days! She puts herself out there too much, too often! It’s not real! Everyone has anger and judgements, and you’re pretending not to feel those things with your “happiness!”

And this is where I am at in my journey, straddled between two worlds like I’ve got one foot on the boat and one foot on the dock: A part of me totally gets that these sorts of statements and the inferences behind them are a reflection of the speaker’s own fears and limitations, not mine. Furthermore, I am totally in choice about the Stories I run about these statements, as well as how much power and choice I give them. Another part of me recognizes that it is my kryptonite: I want to come running back, especially in situations where I see a lot of people circling like vultures to go, “Yeah! Yeah! That’s right! Happy people! It’s sooo fake! They need to quit it with their…”

And this, I recognize, is a reflection of my own fears around not completely finishing that journey–the one that I started years ago–in which I embraced that I, and everyone, has a right to be happy, and that we do not win (and the world does not win) when we play our lives small by rejecting happiness.

So here’s my declaration:

Happiness isn’t selfish. When people are annoyed by happiness, I believe it’s a reflection of their own discomfort with embracing happiness and a willingness to let go of the old, fear-based  Stories that life can’t be any other way. Embracing happiness and choosing it willingly, and spreading a message of happiness as a powerful possibility, are not attempts to be perfect or “have it all together.” I think it is a courageous thing to bypass the drama and snarck and willingly embrace happiness in a world that is just jumping to sell me on yet another problem that I could spend money to “solve.” It’s not faking anything to embrace happiness, even if I don’t have all the cogs figured out just yet. It’s a powerful thing to step into, even before I have it all figured out.  (It’s a hallmark of the inner critic to convince us that it’s “all or nothing” and that you can’t make a move until you have everything settled). No one who is trying to be a guru by spreading messages of happiness or empowerment will be successful in that endeavor unless they have followers–so I follow who I resonate with, and let go of the rest (and notice the discomfort some people will have with anyone who tries to step out as a leader). Putting myself out there too much or too often? Again, who is to say? And what kind of Story is the speaker of that too much/too often criticism running about their own BIGness, their own willingness to be fully seen, with that kind of statement? And what kind of compassion can I extend to them, despite how they deliver their message? Yes, everyone has anger and judgements, and again, when I step away from “all or nothing” thinking, it becomes okay to embrace being happy as a path to choose. I could even use the anger and judgements as tools to open up to deeper happiness. Truly happy people don’t pretend not to feel emotions like anger or judgement or sadness; they simply reframe those emotions as opportunities instead of buying into a collective consciousness that is, at times, hell-bent on martyrdom, drama, victimization, and bonding over negativity and putting others down rather than something that connects us positively and builds each other up.

What’s your kryptonite? What do you notice causes you to shrink?

And what’s your declaration? Use the comments to share, or respond with a post on your own blog and link it here.