February 23rd, 2010
How do you deal with non-supporters?
There are two things that I have been thinking about a LOT this year: One is how BIG I want to be/live. What that looks like; What it would entail; Where my edges are that are waiting to be leaned into.
The other is the role that collaboration plays in that. “Tribe” is the word used often on the internet, and I like it. It conjures up images to me of community, connection, and support.
Unfortunately, I have not always found community, connection, and support among the friendships in my life. I take full responsibility for that. The lack of those things showed up either at times where I was unwilling or unable to give community, connection, or support and deferred instead to old habits or fear-based behaviors. I also take responsibility even when I knew that I was giving my best–I take responsibility for any friendships that I have allowed into my life where I “teach” people how to treat me. In the past, I have taught that is that it’s okay to be inconsistent or unavailable, and that I’ll still be there waiting.
I think that these two issues are intimately connected because, as Deb Talan says in her song Big Strong Girl, “You can’t do it all alone, and if you could, would you really want to?”
I don’t want to do it all alone.
I crave being fully seen, without the two-sided dimensions (i.e., if I’m sad I’m not a basket-case, and if I’m happy it doesn’t mean that I have it all figured out).
I want connection, authenticity, real talks, real honesty.
I want acceptance of my imperfect process, my fumblings, my stumblings, and in that–trust that when I do mess it up, it’s never intentional.
I also want a commitment to something more than the blame game, the complaints, the drama! Everyone needs to vent–with a container around it, I even consider it a really healthy thing–and yet I’m just not invested any longer in a Story about how bad it all is. I’m not suggesting lies and roses and pink; I’m suggesting a commitment to something bigger than the tired old line that the world is going to hell in a handbasket.
And, I am clear that I’m ready to give those things as well as receptive to receiving them.
I really liked what Carolyn Rubestein and others said in this video chat on non-supporters. Since stepping out on my own and into a new career a few months ago, I have felt acutely, even painfully aware of how people will or won’t choose to support what I’m doing. How do we deal with that? What’s behind the behavior, and what do you do when someone who is an otherwise good person shows a lack of support during a difficult time in your life?
Well, here are a few things:
1.) I try to remember that whatever shows up is just as much about my reaction as it is the other person’s behavior.
2.) If I say that I’m wanting acceptance, it is good to ask in the face of someone else’s behavior: Am I giving it?
3.) I believe that any time someone treats others in a negative way, this is nothing more and nothing less than their own wounds, showing up. People who are wounded around getting support for themselves will have trouble giving it.
I’ve had relatively little direct or mean forms of non-support, where someone was trying to be intentionally cruel. It both did and did not bother me. Passive-aggressive forms of support tend to drive me the nuttiest, especially when social media is used to disseminate them. For instance, I fail to understand people who leave nasty comments about Dooce. Why in the world are they reading her website if they dislike her?
So I have a question, essentially the same question they were asking over at Spring: How do you deal with non-supporters, whether that shows up in the form of direct cruelty or a lack of enthusiasm/support/participation from people in your life?
P.S. Yes, the Polaroid giveaway is still going on until tomorrow at 6am Pacific!
February 23rd, 2010 at 10:51 am
I’m still trying to figure this out myself. I’m still just tip-toeing my way into the life I dream of. Still a little fearful of putting my whole self out there. I don’t always take criticism well and for that reason, I’m not always willing to be completely vulnerable. That said, I recently felt the sting of what I perceived as non-support (even though it wasn’t directly pointed at me). I’m happy to say that I dealt with it fairly well. I didn’t get defensive and lash out like I once might have. Instead, I took a step back and re-evaluated my involvement with this person. I’m trying to remember to “Be Carmen” – always. (I got that from Gretchen Rubin, it’s one of her commandments in The Happiness Project.) Basically, what that means to me is being brave enough to own my personal truth and be authentic and strive to live by my values. (Now that I’ve identified them!)
I liked what Carolyn said about “deleting non-supporters” and I think in this age of social media, that’s more simple to do than it is with people that we encounter face to face. I also think it’s really important to do the opposite. Add Supporters! Since it takes many positive actions to reverse a single negative one, I think it’s really important that we add more supporters when we delete a non-supporter.
It can be hard to ask for support, but I’m finding that the more I reach out and ask for support, the more I get! Also, the more I support others, the better I feel about support in general.
This is making me want to write about this topic. Maybe I’ll expand on my blog.
Keep doing what you’re doing Kate! I believe in you.
xo,
Carmen
February 23rd, 2010 at 1:36 pm
I believe in you, too, Kate! I can hear the commitment and openness in your writing, and can’t help but think it will get you somewhere good. Sometimes I think you are reading my mind (well, I know you are not…) but, your topics are so close to what I am thinking about. I am sorry to say that I tend to believe non-supporters at first and get deflated by them. Underneath that though, I have a strong belief in myself somewhere, because I don’t stop going after what I want. Stronger self-confidence would get me there faster, but I do keep going. A good internal compass is essential in this. I find it especially tricky with people who are somewhat supportive, but not as much as I need them to be, or used to be very supportive, but things have changed. That’s where I’m at with it.
February 23rd, 2010 at 2:11 pm
I need to remember that bit about my reaction. I love that episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte makes a choice to leave her job and tells her friend, “I need you to get behind my choice!” and Miranda responds with, “YOU get behind your choice.” Sometimes, I think non-supporters bug me so much because they echo the fears I am experiencing.
February 23rd, 2010 at 3:06 pm
My first time reading your blog – thank you for sharing such great thoughts. Everything you wrote resonates with me and it is going to be so helpful. So much of my problem with non-supporters is based on my needing acceptance and it will be good to reflect on my reaction rather than their comment. At least I can do this in retrospect – maybe not so easy to do in the moment!
February 23rd, 2010 at 4:47 pm
You just sent chills up my back. I think you know what that means
Thank you for these words, which are my mirror. This blog post couldn’t be anymore relevant to me than right now. xoxo
February 23rd, 2010 at 5:32 pm
I have more thinking to do on this – about my own non-supporters and how I respond to them – but I have to say I have wondered for YEARS why people leave nasty blog comments – for anyone but I have wondered specifically too about Dooce. If you don’t like it CLOSE the BROWSER!
Identifying my own personal truths is where I am now – but I love that you are writing about supporters for the truths that we have. Sometimes I feel like it is hard enough for us to support our own truths – having supporters is so important!
February 24th, 2010 at 1:36 pm
Hello Kate. What you describe can be so hurtful, sometimes. I am experiencing this very thing in a different context at the moment – feeling as though I need a lot of support for a personal issue I’m coping with (and *not* coping with sometimes), and people not understanding why. I have felt moutains of anger over this at times – people *should* be more concerned; people *should* be more interested in how I’m feeling/what I’m going through. I’ve decided that, at least for the moment, that I’m probably projecting a lot of anger and disappointment outwards. But I don’t really know where to go from that point except to retreat inwards; and so I don’t know the answer to your question. I wish I could be more helpful to you, Kate, but for what it’s worth, you’ve always seemed more authentic and multi-dimensional to me than many in blog-land, and for as long as I’ve been reading your blog, have always been (quietly!) supportive.