this is the time of your life

View of the Bay Bridge. February, 2010.

When I was in graduate school getting my Master’s in English (Creative Writing), I remember Pam Houston saying on the topic of first novels and the rush to publication, “You’re only a virgin, once.”

There was so much communicated in that statement. I felt as though for one instant, I could see that for as badly as I wanted to publish a book, I needed to watch out and make sure that the moment did not blow me by, because this space of not-knowing, of not being pressured to produce (because apparently, the 2nd-novel pressure is a hell all unto itself) was in fact a great thing. There is space in that place before there are any expectations.

I haven’t yet published a book (more than a few unpublished novels and short stories are filed away in my cabinet drawers; after years of pushing myself to send out my writing every single month, without fail, I have taken a conscious hiatus from all of it for the past two years). I don’t know what it’s like to feel pressure to produce a second novel, or to owe my writing to anyone on a consistent basis, and yet I am learning what it is like to invest myself fully in what I am passionate about. I am learning where my “off” switch is, and I am learning when to turn it off myself without waiting for sickness or exhaustion to tell me DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, TURN OFF NOW.

I really resonated with this article from Chris Guillebeau on working for yourself. In particular, with what he mentions about the crisis management aspect of things. Spambots are attacking my server, pinging and trying to find ways in, attempting to register themselves as members of my e-course? There’s no IT department to call for that. And unlike the days when the college I worked for sent students registration packets, login information, etc., that is work that I am doing myself. Not to mention navigating what feels authentic to me around marketing/getting the word out about what I do, without spending so much time on that that it no longer feels like I’m able to devote time to the work of growing who I am, keeping grounded with my personal tools, meeting with clients, responding to emails, etc.

Several people have asked me if I have any regrets. My answer? No. Absolutely not. I have no doubt in my mind that this space, right here, is where I’m meant to be at for this time in my life. Do you ever feel hit with that inner knowing, even when things are challenging? That’s what I feel I’m navigating. I like doing all that I do.

At the same time that I like it, it really surprised me when earlier this week I had some trouble sleeping and knew–just knew–that the reason for that was that I had way too much going on for this week. There really was nothing to be done about it–except offload my Story that it all “had to” be done and be willing to parcel out more time for self-care (which I promptly got started on). Assorted techie issues that go on behind the scenes have been causing enough problems that I’m doing some major reworking and overhauling and this work, quite simply, needs to be done. That’s all. But related to Chris’s comments on the unexpected things that go along with working for yourself, and in my quest to be totally transparent about my experience of working for myself, I gotta say: it did not even occur to me, not even once, when I was leaving my job, that I would have weeks where techie issues would require me being on the computer for long spaces of time. Now that I’m here, it’s like, “Well, duh. Who did you think would take care of that?” I simply didn’t! I was too excited about writing about courageousness, opening up more client time, and interacting with people.

And ohmigosh, this is of course the week when spring has sprung and it’s juicy and delicious and sunshine-ey outside, with the light just beckoning for me to come out and PLAY! Snap photos! Play hookey and see if the boss notices!

(Oh, wait. I’m the Boss Lady? Hmmm.)

There are a few things I’m doing that really help with the feelings of overwhelm that can come up, however. A big one is padding everything. I add an extra 15-30 minutes onto each task in my daily calendar, assuming it will take more time than originally slated to take. If it doesn’t take that extra time, then whew! I get some time to just stare off into space, have some tea, sit on the porch in a patch of that sunshine. If it does take that extra time, I’m covered. Pad, pad, pad. I’m a big Time Padder.

Also, I take huge cues from Rich and Yvonne Dutra-St.John of the Challenge Day organization. These folks, who have an MTV show about their work starting soon, who have been on Oprah multiple times, (and who are slated to be interviewed for my e-course–yowza!), are some of the busiest people on the planet. Yet the way they plan their calendar is via their priorities–they plan time for one another first, and then the other stuff comes second. My coach, Matthew, often reminds me that if you want to know what someone is really about, look more at what they do than what they say. Rich & Yvonne prioritize their relationship, and that’s not just talk. Taking a tip from them, Andy and I set aside Saturdays for each other. Both of us are inordinately busy, with Andy frequently enough needing to turn away design work (so if you are ever interested in having him do something for you, contact him well in advance of the deliverable date and be prepared to pay for good quality time and good quality work), plus we have time with friends, periods that we schedule to get alone time away from one another and immersed in solo fun, workshops, groups we participate in, photoshoots…before we began setting Saturdays aside as our day, every day was jam packed and we’d tell ourselves, “Well, we haven’t seen one another all week, but we’ll spend time together on the weekends.” And then the weekends got that way, too. More than once I’ve noticed a bit of “energy” coming from people when I declined to make plans on a Saturday because that day is a day we hold for one another, and yet I know that my highest priority is my relationship to myself, followed by my relationship to my partner, and if I don’t make space for those two in my life, I get grumpy real quick.

So I think sometimes of Pam’s comment about only being a virgin once, and I think about how busy life has become since I began working for myself. I think of simplifying, and feel really grateful that Andy and I had begun doing that work before we traveled and house-sat last year. I was thinking today that really, we don’t have much more than we absolutely need. The clutter that comes into my life now is of the time-oriented variety, and as long as I pad liberally and don’t attach to much of a “have to” Story to anything, and as long as I’m willing to shift in response to noticing that I’m not particularly happy (placing happiness as a higher priority than getting work done), my life works.

Two book recommendations related to this: Jen Louden’s “The Life Organizer” and “Living the Simple Life” by Elaine St. James are both excellent and practical resources that offer ways to work with micro-movements, not the overwhelming to-do list project of a complete life overhaul.

The Courageous Year begins in less than two weeks, and the first thing we start out with is Self-Care. How are you doing with Self-Care, lately? What creative ways have you managed your time and made time for your highest priorities, first?