Your Courageous Life

commitment & accountability

One of the things that I love best about leading The Courageous Year is that inevitably, whatever the group is working on at that moment becomes something that I’m working on, too. Right now, Group A is in Level 2, and we’re working on Commitment & Accountability (the Year is divided into levels that devote time to particular topics). The funny thing is that we’re only a few weeks in, and that I didn’t even notice that I had just started a 30-day Bikram yoga challenge at the same time that they were starting Commitment & Accountability. Ha! I hadn’t even made the connection that I was starting something that would require me to be committed and accountable at the same time. And Group B is working on Level 1 right now, and their topic is self-care, and just by virtue of following along with them, I’ve noticed myself putting more attention and focus on self-care. Brilliant!

When I take on something new, I usually tend not to say anything about it, because when something is fertile and just being birthed, I’m clear that I don’t find it helpful to hear other people’s opinions (this is not a “right” way of starting something new that I advocate; some people find great value in talking things through with others before beginning). I did this when I started Bikram, swearing Andy to secrecy that he would not tell anyone, and I’m glad I did–because a few weeks after, when people did start to know, then come the judgements of Bikram. It would have been really discouraging in the first few weeks to hear people tell me that it was “so hard” or that they knew someone who had been injured while doing it, or that it was “dangerous” or…you know, whatever it is that people express when it’s negative. While people of course have a right to their opinions, I often notice (and practice noticing in myself) how sometimes the expressing of them isn’t always helpful, and try to see whether the expression is more about my Ego’s need to make sure someone knows how “right” I believe I am, or if it’s to provide an alternative or another insight. (And P.S. another good reason to notice whether it’s helpful to tell people what you’re doing in the early stages is because sometimes we unconsciously sabotage ourselves by telling people who we–subconsciously– know will downplay what we want to do).

The flip-side, however, is that at some point, we need to tell people about our goals, our dreams, our lifestyle changes, because again and again it seems that when we tell people what we do, we automatically become more accountable and more likely to commit to and then finish what we start. I urge my Courageous Year participants to declare what they are doing within the e-course, publicly, as well as other places in their lives. This is why I’m now publicly declaring that I’m ten days into this thirty day challenge. I’m getting right to the point where it’s hard–really hard–and I want to quit. I mean, of course I want to quit. Going from doing this 3-5 times a week to every single day? No breaks? It’s tough stuff.

So if you’re thinking about taking on any new endeavor or making a shift in your life, and you’ve noticed in the past that telling people has not brought you the support that you had hoped for, I encourage you to:

1.) Tell only the people who you trust will support you, and even among supportive people, tell few. Sometimes people think they are being supportive when they offer caution. Since I believe that my experience will be my experience, I prefer not to hear cautionary tales.

2.) At some point, do start being public. Declare what you are doing. And then be prepared to let other people’s opinions about it roll right off your back. Or–even better?–declare it while sharing that “at this time, I’m not feeling open to feedback.” True, people might not respect that, and yet there is such value in declaring for yourself what you need.

And with that, I now bring you: The Bikram Update. Warning. I am going to share some stuff below that’s a little raunch. Click away if it’s not your thing.

I’m on Day 10 of the 30-day challenge. Waking up in the morning is getting easier and easier over time. The biggest challenge is one that expresses itself outwardly, but it is all about within: CONTROL.

There is one thing, and only one thing, that currently makes this practice difficult: my desire to control that room. It drives me nuts when people don’t set up their mats in such a way as to allow room for others, even when there is plenty of space. It drives me nuts when the same people come in late, every day, and then want me to move my mat–me, who got there early to get the spot I wanted–to accommodate space for them. The woman who did this today is someone who comes in late every day. Normally, I could care less whether she comes in on time, but when she comes in late and then wants me to move, and crowds the space around me, I get ridiculously distracted fantasizing about ways that I could extend my leg and kick her and make it look like an accident.

Then I breathe, and chill out. But still.

Lately, the biggest challenge in that regard has been Ball Boy. You probably already guessed that I’m not calling him Ball Boy because he brings basketballs to yoga class. Nope, Ball Boy likes to come in, set up his mat directly in front of someone else (not always me, but a few times now it has been). Usually I set up my mat in the room and then leave and sit outside until class officially begins, and then he comes in and sets up his mat while I’m not looking. Hip to his game now, I have realized that if he does this again, I am going to physically move his yoga mat, the ultimate yoga faux-pas.

And why?

Because I do not want to spend another 90 minutes watching that guy grab his balls. Stop reading now if a discussion of someone grabbing their balls is not humorous to you. I find it both irritating as well as–I confess to being a bit declasse in this regard–funny, kind of like a well-timed fart joke. But not every one is me.

Seriously. It’s unbelievable. It goes like this: The instructor says, “Hands up, arms over your head for half-moon pose.” [grabs his balls before going into the posture, adjusts, arms go up] “Stretch to the right and left a few times. Each time you come to the middle, stretch up towards the ceiling.” [intermittent ball grabbing/adjusting with one arm as he stretches]. “Alright, take a deep inhaled breath, arms straight, and stretch your body to the right…inhale and come back to center.” [he stays in the posture but then when we get back to center, down goes one arm to--you guessed it--grab his balls ] “Deep inhaled breath, lock those arms, stretch to the left…back to center.” [balls, balls, balls ] “Inhale and drop your head back and just breathe for a moment; this is the first back bend of the series; your back may hurt a bit.” [I have no idea if he grabs himself here, because my head looks back for the backward bend, but I imagine he does] “Inhale and come back up to center. Keep your arms straight and bend forward.” [a quick, covert ball grab and adjustment of his shorts before leaning forward]

You get the picture.

This reminds me of the Sex and the City episode where Charlotte dates, briefly, a ball grabber and says: “Why do men DO that?”

I don’t think Ball Boy does it for attention or because I or any other woman happens to be behind him. I get the sense that he just does it like, “Oh, yeah, I’m going to get comfortable, that’s it, perfect. Now I’m comfortable.”

Now, back to the control thing. Kate likes to control things. I mean, most of us do, and certainly this tendency in me has dialed down in the past few years, but still. Yoga brings up everything. When I’m not in class and when Ball Boy is not right in front of me, I can see the humor in how I’m supposed to be in that room, focusing on my health, on postures, concentrating, not passing out from heat, and instead, what am I getting upset about? Some dude grabbing his package.

Anyone care to join me in laughing at the ridiculousness of that? It’s quite funny.

And I think that if I weren’t picking on that detail, instead I’d find something else to pick on, because there are so many yoga = life and life = yoga connections to be made out there. Whatever we are working on in our daily lives shows up in the yoga room. I believe this. The people who come in late to class are working on lateness. The people who give up easily and fall out of postures after a few seconds are working on giving up easily. The people who are too intense with it and push themselves too far in the room are working on being too intense. The people who are inclined to blame an instructor for the way they feel in class are probably working on blaming external things in their daily lives. And here’s little old Kate Swoboda, working on control in her daily life and having success in so many ways, but boy howdy–put her in a hot room early in the morning and watch how the control comes out!

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So if you made it this far, here’s a challenge for you in the comments. I mention above that when you want to shift something in your life–follow a dream, meet a goal, change a focus–declaring it publicly reaps results, upping the ante of commitment and accountability. So, what would you be willing to publicly declare? What do you want to shift?

Either post it here in the comments or write about this on your own blog and then post the link to your blog in the comments.