the angry place
(( This is Part II of a piece I began yesterday on anger. Before continuing here, read the first part )).
I’m continuing with yesterday’s piece by diving in with something more concrete–what helps, and what does not help. This is something I’m basing on my own personal experience in working through/with my own experiences of anger, as well as what has helped people around me.
WHAT DOES NOT HELP (if you are working with someone who is angry): Arguing with a person who experiences a lot of anger (fighting fire with fire, which only fuels more fire). Talking about them behind their back (we always find out, and then that gets funneled into a Story of rejection/worthlessness). Passive-aggressiveness. Stone-walling. Ignoring. Also, comments to the tune of “Why can’t you just go with the flow like everyone else?”
WHAT DOES HELP (if you are working with a person who is angry): Boundaries around respectful communication. And a Love Sandwich ( Love + The feedback that could be seen as criticism + Love). Taking a position that looks something like, “I love you, I’m not leaving, I’m willing to hear you–as long as the communication is respectful.”
WHAT DOES NOT HELP (if you are the person experiencing lots of anger): Living in the angry place, drama, refusal to see your side, blaming the anger on something external, not claiming the anger, shaming oneself over the anger, not getting help, shaming.
WHAT DOES HELP (if you are the person experiencing lots of anger): Processing it out without taking it out on others, noticing your choices, accepting responsibility for your feelings, getting help, refusing to buy into the idea that you are bad.
So here’s what I’d like to end this with. First, this is by no means an exhaustive list of all the ins and outs of anger. I’m talking about a specific kind of anger, and there are other kinds–kinds that are far more violent than I’m talking about here, and I hope that if anyone is dealing with violent anger that they get the hell away. Fast. I’m not suggesting that anyone “show support” by sticking around violence.
Second, I think it’s worth considering that there is a lovely possibility for real change if the anger is met with love. So let’s say that I’m pissed at Andy, for whatever reason. (Maybe he’s clinking those pots, again.) If I bring up my irritation with him in a disrespectful (angry) way, and he responds with stone-walling, ignoring me, or asking me “What’s wrong with you, why can’t you just go with the flow?” my anger quotient is likely to rise. If he responds with something like, “Hey, I’ll talk to you about this when the energy is clean/free of anger,” then I might be angry that he didn’t to talk about it, but I’m not being shut down or told that I’m wrong for experiencing what I’m experiencing.
Third, if you are someone who experiences a lot of anger, this is best managed before the anger even begins. I have a post-it on the light switch in my office. It reads: “When I work my tools, my life WORKS.” This is my reminder that when I take time each day to journal, physically move my body, go into some kind of process work around anger–and we’re just talking 5 minutes here, no drama–then I diffuse a lot of old, angry energy. When I diffuse the excess, I find it easier to read about things like how Congolese soldiers justify rape while the world sits back and does nothing about it, or the governor’s crap about how the State of California doesn’t have any money for CalWORKS or education, while he simultaneously protects people with beachfront property from paying their fair share in property taxes, without then having that frustration stick to me like a burr all day and manifest in irritability, later.
Fourth, if you experience a lot of anger, it is absolutely possible to change. The amount of anger I work with now varies, whereas at one point it was a near-constant. You’re not stuck. I absolutely see myself transforming the anger that comes up for me, letting go, cleaning out an old basement of muck.
Fifth, if you’re someone who doesn’t experience a lot of the stereotypical displays of anger, notice how you might be carrying out your anger in a different way, such as passive-aggressiveness, and then foisting the bulk of the responsibility/blame onto someone who carries out anger in more stereotypical ways (raised voices, for instance). It’s easy to blame the person who raises their voice first, while forgetting that two play a part in areas of conflict.
Okay. I’ve talked long enough. Now I confess that I‘m so very curious to know what your Angry Place looks like. I know that this might be a tender thing to ask about, so this is one of those Courageous places to step into, feeling the fear, diving in anyway, transforming. What kinds of anger do you experience? What’s the shame about it? Any feelings of wishing you could “get it together”? What resonates with you, here?
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