Your Courageous Life

The following is an excerpt from The Courageous Year, Level 1 (which is now available for Pre-Order). The first topic The Courageous Year looks at is Self-Care, because if we aren’t involved in a practice that involves Self-Care, it’s pretty difficult to make larger goals happen. And we start gently–not with to-do lists of things to do, but rather coming from a place that is beyond to-do lists and beyond the facade and beyond all the stuff that later gets used to beat ourselves up. Instead, first I cover the concept of BEing your journey, not trying to have too much control over what it looks like. Then we gently ease into Slowing. Down. There’s a lovely Courageous Community online to help support one in slowing down, as well as exercises and videos. But for now, let’s just focus on settling into content–what’s it like to just slow down?

How can you practice BEing your journey? Take time to do Just. One. Thing:

Slow.

Down.

So often we tell ourselves that self-care must take the form of a fancy tropical vacation, or getting away from our jobs, or buying more “stuff.” In fact, it doesn’t. We can simply choose to Slow. Down.

I’ll support anyone who chooses those forms (vacations, etc.) of self-care if they find that it’s a match for their Values (see the exercise on Values) and their integrity (see the exercises on integrity). However, I think that there’s a much simpler—and less expensive!—form of self-care. It can be implemented into any schedule.

It is: Slow. Down.

Also good news? If you’re thinking, “I just don’t have time for a lot of self-care practices. I need one that I can focus on,” then great—I have it. Slow. Down. In fact, I think that this is the one practice that anyone could do and perhaps they’d never even touch the rest, but their lives would benefit immensely just from this one.

Slowing down can look a lot of different ways. It can look like stopping and taking a breath on a street corner, observing the people walking by, and then being on your way. It can look like a formal meditation practice. It can look like laying on your back and watching clouds. It can look like making eye contact with everyone you meet. Don’t get caught in the trap that it has to be this big production. Instead, sink into just slowing…down…

Whatever way of slowing down you choose, integrating this into your self-care practice is so, so essential.

People often have enormous resistance to just Slowing Down. As Cheri Huber writes in her phenomenal book There Is Nothing Wrong With You, “The reason acceptance isn’t more popular is that in acceptance, there is nothing to do. In acceptance, there is nothing ‘wrong’ that needs to be changed, fixed, worked on or otherwise improved. And the simple, astounding, mind-bogglingly amazing fact is that as soon as you accept yourself exactly as you are, all of those ‘character flaws’ begin to fall away because those ‘flaws’ exist only in non-acceptance, in self-hate.”

Notice that Huber never says (and I’m not saying) that acceptance is devoid of action. You can completely and totally accept your process and what it looks like and all of the delicious things that show up—the frustrations, the joys, the detours, the distractions, the goodness, the badness—you can be present to all of that. That’s noticing. Acceptance as I’m thinking of it is not giving up, nor is it what the “losers” are left with.

Acceptance is freedom because when we are okay with reality just being reality, we suffer less. It will take you as much time to accomplish your goals as it is going to take. Period. No more time, no less time. Can you accept that? Can you be okay with how long it will take? There will be as many challenges along the way as there will be challenges along the way. No more challenges, no fewer challenges. Can you accept that? Can you be okay with challenges coming up as you’re BEing your journey?

The way to get into acceptance when you notice you’re not accepting, or to avoid going into non-acceptance in the first place, is to adopt a practice of slowing down.

When you don’t slow down and get present to what is, in this moment right here—not the past moment or the worrying about the future moments—it gets very difficult to notice those inner critic voices. When we’re preoccupied, rushing, fretting, moving too quickly, those inner critic voices run on autopilot and can wreak havoc on our moods—which wreaks havoc on our emotional states—which then makes us less motivated to change our lives.

So make it a regular, daily practice to somehow slow down—meditation, walking slowly, taking deep breaths are my first go-tos, but I think that taking time to just notice, listen closely, make a lot of eye contact, stare at the sky, etc., are all just as valid—and you’ll start to notice that it’s easier to “catch” those inner critic voices before they can run amuck. And if they do run amuck, going to “present” can help to calm them.

Stop right now, even. Get present to what is. What is right in front of you? How does the paper feel in your hands? What is to your right? To your left? What sounds do you hear? What smells do you smell?

The illusion is that taking a few moments to breathe every day is a waste of time when there are “so many other important things to do.”

In fact, taking a moment to breathe every day, to be present, is what gets things done.

These inner critic voices are going to win, and win, and win, and win until you slow down. Take a moment. Start getting more present throughout your day.

When I take even just five minutes to sit in a chair or my zafu (meditation cushion) and stare at a wall in silence, focusing on my breath, I am much better equipped to notice the inner critic voices that come up and then start working with them.

Sometimes people say, “I wanted to really be present today, but then the whole day went by and I wasn’t present for any of it! What do I do if I want to use a tool but my problem is forgetting?”

The problem isn’t forgetting. The problem is not creating space for something to be born. In these cases where “forgetting to be present” keeps coming up, instead of trying to be present to every moment, start taking a time-out each day where you simply don’t do anything but stare at a wall, a flickering candle, the sky, whatever, and breathe. Skip the usual meditation instruction to “think about nothing” and instead, go ahead and even attach the thought “Inhale” when you inhale and “Exhale” when you exhale. This time of seemingly “Doing nothing” is creating the space for more presence through you day.

Sitting quietly need not be called meditation. There need not be a zafu. There need not be incense or special music. You can make it what you wish to make it. For many people, walking through nature is their “meditation.”

Whatever path you choose, the instruction is simple: create space for yourself within each day to just slow down and get present to your breath or to the present moment.

Comments: How will you create this exercise for yourself? What does Slowing…Down…look like for you? I believe that we can powerfully create this as a unique experience for each of us. What’s your form of Slowing Down, or what form do you wish to adopt?

If you’ve been desiring more time to slow down and sink into Self-Care, consider The Courageous Year.

“I just purchased the pre-order the first section of your new e-book, and I hope it doesn’t sound like too much of an overstatement to say that the sample chapter was worth, to me, $125 before I even received the rest of the e-book! (Feel free to use that as a testimonial.)” — M.W.

After having a really loved-filled weekend with some of my favorite people on the planet, here are some thoughts I wrote down in my Moleskine on Courageous Living. The trickiest places, I think, are in those tangled and triggered human relationships. In every moment, we have this opportunity when we interact with other people sharing this world with us to act with integrity, to face our choices about the experience we will have with someone else.

Whatever we see in the world, that is us, too. Cultivate a willingness to compassionately drop down into the zero center of someone else’s imperfection, and you’ll see their pain, and piece of your own. We are not so very different. We are far more alike than we often believe. With courageous hearts, we can change the world. So here goes:

In the face of complaints, look that person in the eye and imagine what it might have been like to be raised to see only what is wrong.

In the face of selfishness, wonder what it might be like to walk the world with a feeling of lack, of depletion.

In the face of insults, consider where this person first learned that it’s okay to abuse others.

In the face of disconnection, think about what causes it, and ask if your response will widen the river between the two of you.

In the face of laziness, recognize the fear of living big dreams.

In the face of extremism or fundamentalism, see the clinging, as well as the terror-filled silence that would arise for that person if they risked letting go.

In the face of controlling behavior, understand the chaos that must have bred it.

In the face of “always needing to be right,” see how often this person was once made wrong.

In the face of arrogance or bravado, hold gently that still, small piece that says “I’m not enough.”

In the face of drama or attention-seeking, see the person who wishes so much to be seen.

In the face of accusation, imagine what it might be like to live life with suspicion.

In the face of judgement or comparisons, step into the opportunity the world has just provided you for practicing love and acceptance.

In the face of passive-aggressiveness, recognize the child that wasn’t taught a safe way to express their truth.

In the face of anger, see the pain of isolation from others.

Most importantly: In the face of ferocious hatred, believe in the possibility that there exists the potential for equally as big, intense, lovely and fiery ferocious love.

Okay. That is my love letter to the world, for today.

~ Kate

** The original Courageous Year participants who first began their journey in January 2010 are now more than halfway through their Year! It has been such an exciting process to bear witness to their courageousness and transforming in all sorts of ways. I’ve begun the process of talking to participants about their experience, and will be featuring their interviews and loveliness, here on the blog! **

1.) Details : Name: Darlene J Kreutzer

Location (City/State): Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Website: http://www.hippyurbangirl.com
Occupation: policy advisor / photographer / writer

2.) When you started the Courageous Year, what did you decide would be the focus of that year? Has it shifted or changed?

When I started the Courageous Year, I didn’t really have a clear focus. I wanted to finally lose the weight I had gained when I was pregnant with my twins and the weight I had gained when they died and I was grieving. I wanted to move forward with my life but I wasn’t really sure what that looked like. It would be easy for me to say that because I didn’t have a clear focus, there was nothing to shift. However, that wouldn’t exactly be true. My focus for the year really shifted into being present in the moment and living in the breath of myself, trusting that I held the answers. My focus for the year became learning to trust myself. I should add that to date I have lost 40 pounds so even though my focus shifted, I still saw the results. Funny what being present in the moment will do to all aspects of one’s life.

3.) I believe that each of us has our own idea of what “courageous living” is about. When you hear the term “courageous living,” what do you think of? And how does that term apply to your own life?

When I hear the term “courageous living”, it makes think of the way I used to be and thought I wanted to be again. I thought to live courageous meant to do the things you wanted even though it was scary and in the past I used fear as a guidepost and when I was fearful to do something (obviously not something like heading off alone down a dark alley in a scary part of town) then I knew I had to jump full force into it. At some point during the Courageous Year I came to a realization. I realized that I used to be scared of everything and that jumping into that which scared me was the only way I could move forward otherwise my anxiety paralyzed me. However, I was holding this story as truth when the reality is that over time I lost my fear of doing new things, only I was still living within the same story and it was no longer serving me.

I have shifted the meaning of how courageous living applies to my own life and now I see it as the recognition of our own personal power and truths and the understanding that this may shift continually over time as our experiences change and as we rewrite our personal stories. For me, courageous living is not the big dramatic leap (I am good at that already) but rather the quiet strength of walking my path and living fully in my life. “Courageous living” is making choices that serve me by honouring who I am in this moment. “Courageous living” is trusting my own unique voice.

4.) One of the first things that the Courageous Year taps into is the concept of BEing your journey, allowing all parts of your journey to exist rather than trying to push away the things that we’re less comfortable with. What’s an example of some way in which you’ve seen yourself work with a situation that was frustrating, uncomfortable, scary, or otherwise “not your favorite,” and then work through it while BEing your journey?

My grief. In April 2002, my sister died after months of intensive care. It was a long painful journey that I never fully came to terms with. In April 2006, I gave birth to twin boys and later held them in my arms, against my skin as they died. Every April since, I have participated in poetry month and have distracted myself with the writing of poetry everyday and posting it on my blog. This year I didn’t. This year I allowed myself to be present, to be my journey and I allowed myself the pain and the moments of weakness. I allowed myself joy and laughter and the comfort of friends and life. I welcomed it all and have emerged changed in ways I am only just now starting to understand. I feel braver and more courageous, quieter and more deeply involved in living my life. I feel a contentedness and inner peace that I never believed I could experience.

5.) You’ve told us a bit about who you BE, now tell us a bit about what you do! Feel free to share not just about a profession that “pays the bills,” but also about a chosen profession—the work that you’re most excited about.

I am a teacher by trade but 10 years ago, I took a job working in government because I was going through a divorce and I had a 5 year old son that needed my attention and I needed the security and flexibility that this job afforded me. I am choosing to continue to work at my job because it is important to me to be able to provide my son with a university education and a sense of security as he grows. I work in a challenging environment where I am always learning and growing and I am learning that while it may not be my passion, I can bring my passion and creativity to the job and everyone benefits.

I started a photography business a few years ago and have been shooting bands, artists, weddings and families. I am taking a hiatus this year because I found that it was too demanding on my time to be working all day and then working most nights and weekends. I would rather spend that time with my family and working on art for me. This was a huge shift. I am very excited about photography and I love shooting people but for me, making it a profession turned it into something else and I found that after a good 7 years of packing at least 1 and often 3 or 4 cameras with me 24/7, I was happy to not pick up my camera when I wasn’t working. My passion started waning and my heart felt lost and so I am on hiatus for the moment. I would like to come back to it at some point but on my terms and with a much lighter schedule.

I also do some freelance writing and have had poems and non-fiction published in print and online. I not so secretly want to devote some time to writing fiction because fiction is my first love and why my first degree is in English focusing on literature.

6.) What are you most passionate about, what excites you, lately?
Polaroid Photography. My husband bought me a Polaroid SX-70 6 or so years ago and I have been addicted ever since. It’s embarrassing at this point to reveal how many Polaroid cameras I own and how full and bulging my fridge is with packs of film not to mention the pretty boxes filled with photos but I glow as I think about that next shot.
Film of any sort excites me and I own a slew of medium format, 35 mm, toy cameras and even a few homemade pinhole cameras. My husband is also a bit of a photo junkie so we literally have cameras strewn around the house. It is wonderful!!

Darlene shooting a wedding

Art. My son recently moved into the basement and I acquired my very own room and it is wonderful to go in there and make a big ol’ beautiful mess. These days I am obsessed with Polaroid print transfers, mixed media and encaustic wax. I am working on an exhibit which I have not shared publicly as I suspect it will be a good year in the making.

Writing. After a long hiatus, I have started filling journals again, madly scrawling poetry and stories. It is my meditation and I am starting to find my way back to the dream of writing my book. It makes me dance around the floorboard happy.

Music. I am married to a musician and our house is always filled with the music of the bands he plays with. They rehearse in our basement studio and as the music comes up through the floorboards, I write or paint or make Polaroid vignettes. My son plays the saxophone and my husband plays the drums. A secret, I am taking drum lessons from my husband as well as voice lessons from an amazing vocal teacher. I love that I am finding my voice, the voice that speaks of joy.

7.) What’s next on your horizon?

I am plunging into another of my passions and returning to my love of teaching. I will be teaching an e-course on the beautiful basics of photography, the nuts and bolts of ‘how do I take that photo!!’ I have a lot of beautiful artistic friends who take the most beautiful compositions but don’t really know how to shoot in certain lights or how to get that beautiful bokeh (background blur) the first time around. Like me, their eyes glaze over when someone starts talking all the technical f-stop and aperture and blah blah blah. So, I will be teaching the basics from an intuitive perspective, demystifying the science if you will though I will, of course, also include the technical terminology as an aside. I am also including fun things like how you can get a studio looking shot without anything but your camera and how to shoot product like jewelry and art.

I have been blessed with beautiful friends who have watered this seed as they have watched me with my cameras and taken my little tips and use them to create their own magic. They have encouraged me to move forward with confidence and I have to admit that though I am a bit fearful, I am mostly just really excited to empower other women to shoot with confidence and learn how to create the photos that they see in their hearts.

More beautiful examples of Darlene’s work:

photo by Darlene Kreutzer

Photo by Darlene Kreutzer

* * *

Darlene, thank you so much for taking the time to share about your life and experience…I personally can’t wait to sign up for your course! For more information about Darlene, visit her website at http://www.hippyurbangirl.com .

~ with big love ~

Kate

I encourage gentleness.

Gentleness is your birthright.

When you are watering your plant, nourishing your vision, gentleness needs to come along for the ride.

Sometimes when I encourage gentleness, I suspect that the person I’m speaking with thinks that I’m just “trying to be nice.” Like maybe the gentleness isn’t really what they need, but I don’t want them to be hard on themselves because it’s painful to watch.

But that’s not why.

I encourage gentleness because I believe that there’s such freedom in adding that to whatever I do. There are so very many things that I’m not perfect at, and when I’m beating myself up over that it’s a kind of hell, and when I’m gentle with myself, I can sink more deeply into what is.Whenever I can sink into what is, I’ve unlocked myself from the cage with the key that I was holding in my hand the entire time.

There’s a kind of honesty that goes along with gentleness, if you think about it. I say “honesty” because gentleness acknowledges all of the parts that are imperfect and creates a space for them to exist. There’s something dishonest about pushing away the parts we don’t want to see with harshness, trying desperately to hide them.

Gentleness allows time for transforming something while acknowledging the truth of the present moment.

Gentleness frees us up to BE who we already are.

Gentleness allows us to sink into that tender spot, and forgive ourselves and others.

Perhaps we never really transform anything until we’re able to look at ourselves with kind eyes–and that means gentleness.

Where in your life would you like to see more gentleness along the way?

Oh, but what a perfect day to write about BEing the journey/being in process.

I am sick.

It’s just a little sinus infection–I get 2 or 3 of these things a year, and they always follow the same pattern. They last about four days. Really, I’m going to live.

But–Ohmigoodness, but I really strongly dislike being sick. And each time I get one of these, I swear to myself that I’m going to get a Neti pot. Then I don’t because they cost $18 and that’s my chai latte budget.

And let me tell you, I had plans for this week. Plans. All sorts of things I was going to do, because my week is going to be truncated by events. Yesterday, Andy and I attended a wedding. And I was sort of feeling icky yesterday, but then it started to go away (apparently, two medium soy chai lattes in one day will do that) so I even rocked out at the wedding and swung my curvaceous (is that really how you spell that? Man, I am out of it. The “ceous” part looks all wrong. I want to use “cious.” Hmmm) and bodacious (no questioning the spelling, there) ass to “Play that Funky Music, Whiteboy.”  This included, at some point, me doing the phantom casting of the fishing lure at the sister of the bride and then reeling her in while she, no doubt exhausted from weeks of wedding planning, flew her arms and legs akimbo and danced like a woman released from prison.

So, you know. I had fun.

Then as we were heading home, the sniffling intensified and I crashed in bed to the peaceful slumber of ear plugs and the humidifier, since my nose was alternately stuffy and then running but my throat felt dried out like I’d been living in the desert for weeks.

Then I proceeded to wake up at 2am, 3am, 4am…and so on. Andy was getting dressed this morning and I was so tired that I completely missed my opportunity to look wasted and consumptive in a ploy for sympathy (more tucking of the covers! NyQuil! Tea! Perhaps a foot massage?), and instead when I heard drawers opening and shutting, I grunted at him. Had I had my wits about me, I would have pleaded for a chai latte.

Now I am sitting on the couch in the living room and reading “Suffering is Optional” by Cheri Huber.

Oh, the irony.

But when it’s not ironic, it is true that I’m reading this book because I would very much please like to not be suffering when it comes to sickness. I used to get sick a lot, and found it somewhat traumatizing because then I started to get paranoid about getting colds. I was in a workshop once and there were sick people there, people who were coughing and sneezing and announcing to the group, “I’m feeling sick today,” and getting sympathetic looks (from everyone but me) while touching things with their germ-infested hands and thinking nothing of it, and I complained about it to this guy and he shrugged and said, “Eh, I just figure a few times a year, it’s inevitable that I’m going to get sick.”

I looked at him and smiled and said, “Oh, that’s true,” while inwardly my mind launched off on another rant about how if people who were sick would just stay in their houses, and not attend workshops with their germy little fingers, the rest of us would not get sick. I did all of this online google research when I got home that night, to find statistics and facts to back up my point. I didn’t plan to present this information to this guy. I just wanted to know that I was right.

It was observed during the course of this workshop that I maybe perhaps kinda sorta had just a few, uh, control issues. You have to love group process work.

I have this idea that I present to Courageous Year participants: BEing your journey, which is really to say, BEing in process. BEing. Sinking fully into it. I present this as Lesson Numero Uno, because focusing on an end result is a recipe for misery–as is trying to control every outcome, to only have the happy thoughts, or to only grow in the ways we feel we should grow.

And, because I’m human, this is one of those lessons that I can use as comfort in lots of areas of my life when I don’t like what is happening, and I have much more difficulty embracing this idea if we’re talking about physical illness, because that’s an area that both is, and feels like, it’s out of my control.

But just as Huber says: Suffering is Optional. (Really, it’s true).

And P.S. I am embracing the fact that I work for myself as this divine opportunity to lay around in my pajamas all day, watching the end of season three of Mad Men (!!!!!!!), reading, and generally being slothlike. Talk about divine self-care!

In what areas of your life do you notice yourself having a hard time BEing your journey, allowing whatever comes into the path to just be there and worked with? Is there any part of BEing your journey that would feel like giving up, or “letting the bad stuff win”?

Carmen Torbus, rocking the mic. Photo by Casie Photography.

Carmen Torbus is a mixed-media artist, supporter, speaker–and Across Mediums interviewee! She interviewed me awhile back for her Inspiring Minds and I really enjoyed her questions–and I became curious to know how she would respond to them. So I asked if she would allow me to ask her the same questions that she’s using for her Inspiring Minds series, and she said yes. Here we go…

1. Will you tell us a little about yourself and the inspiration behind what you do?

Kate! Thank you so much for turning the tables and interviewing me. I’ve recently escaped the corporate world and I’m super excited to say for the first time ever that I’m a full time creative entrepreneur. I’m an artist, author, inspiration maven & cheerleader for creative entrepreneurs. There is nothing I love more than hearing someone say, “I’m so inspired right now!” so following my dream of creating a business focusing on empowering creative women to get fired up about their passions really fires me up! I love sharing knowledge and helping others see just how awesome they are!

2. What inspires you more than anything else in the whole world?

Oh my gosh, inspired people just rock my socks off! People that are passionate about something and following their dreams get me so fired up it’s ridiculous! Love, love, love inspired people!

3. What is your big dream? Yes, the BIG one! The really, super big, pee your pants when make it happen dream. The one you feel a wee bit nervous saying out loud. Yep, that one!

My biggest dreams keep evolving and expanding! Right this minute, there are three. (Hold me.) My biggest, scariest, pee my pants when I make them happen dreams are:

• Develop and launch an empowering and inspiring, self-discovery, powerhouse course/seminar/extravaganza of sorts for creative dreamers.
• Create a coaching/consulting/conspiring program for creative women and begin taking clients that are ready to get excited about their lives and take action toward the life of their dreams.
• Start speaking to audiences of creative people. I’m a cheerleader at heart, so the idea of cheering, mic (or megaphone perhaps) in hand, for creative people makes me giddy!

I’m exploring the possibilities on all three fronts right now and I get super excited and become a ball of nerves at the same time just thinking about it!

4. Tell us how you’re going to feel when you make it happen!

Oh my gosh, like a million bucks! Empowered, inspired, pumped up, ready to take on the world, eager to continue on to see what the Universe has line up next for me and the people I work with! And eternally grateful.

5. What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail and fear didn’t exist?

I would speak up more often. I would ask for what I want and need more often. I would reach out to people I admire more often and share my ideas with them. And I would purchase or lease a large space near the beach to convert into a studio with space to hold classes, workshops and retreats, plus have an onsite gallery.

6. What’s next for you?

I’m finishing up my first book with North Light Books, titled THE ARTIST UNIQUE: Discovering Your Creative Signature Through Inspiration and Techniques. It will be available next Spring. I’m working on putting together some local art and self-discovery workshops. It’s really exciting to be able to commit more time to creating and expanding!

7. What are you working on right now that you could use some support and encouragement on?

Just taking this leap of faith in pursuing a creative career full time. It’s so exciting, yet really scary. The possibilities, opportunities and my amazing Support Squad (THANK YOU!) are keeping me motivated and inspired! So keep the cheers of encouragement coming!!! I appreciate it (and you, yes YOU!) so, so much.

8. What advice, tips, resources, and overall good-to-know information would you offer someone just starting out with regards to finding passion & inspiration and digging in?

Just begin. It really is as simple as that. And listen to and believe in the little nudges you feel along the way. Go with them, even when it’s scary. Reach out and ASK for help and support. Tell people exactly how they can support you. Don’t wait. Do it now.

9. Is there anything else you’d like to share?

Just that I love this creative community to pieces and I’m so grateful to be a part of something bigger than myself. It’s an amazing feeling.

10. Where can we find you online and what is the best way to connect with you?

You can find me on my website: www.carmentorbus.com

On Facebook: www.facebook.com/carmentorbus

Facebook Fan Page for my art and creative endeavors: http://tinyurl.com/fbfanct

Twitter: www.twitter.com/carmentorbus

The best way to connect with me is via email: carmentorbus AT gmail DOT com

***

Thanks, Carmen!

I’ve been wanting for some time now to pull together a blog entry in which I was concrete and specific about all the different principles that I believe to go into what I term “courageous living.”

But first, I’ll just briefly state what I don’t think “courageous living” is. I don’t believe that courageous living is doing all kinds of spontaneous or wild things, like you have to quit your job and move to Bali, or start parachuting out of planes, so that you can call yourself “courageous”. I don’t believe that it’s what I think so many of us beat ourselves up in the pursuit of: some version of waking in the morning, having a yoga and meditation practice and gliding seamlessly through your day, sporting the latest gear from Anthropologie, eating some really hip diet, never breaking a sweat while working at your dream job, laughing with friends, falling into the arms of a loving family at the end of the day, everyone getting along, planning a dashing getaway to some exotic locale. Let me be clear that that vision for one’s life is not something I’m knocking–it sounds great–but it’s certainly not what my life looks like and I think I’m not alone in saying that I’ve wasted a lot of energy striving to attain something that looks like that, and so have most of the women I’ve known. I don’t think that courageous living is a 1-2-3 plan, nor is it a finished product.

I believe all of us contain the capacity to act with courage. I believe that courage is feeling afraid, diving in anyway, and transforming. Whenever we lean into that edge, there’s juicy stuff there. What’s the juicy stuff? What’s the leaning to the edge look like? What’s courageous living based on? Here’s a start:

Courageous living is about:

• BEing your journey/being in process
• A commitment to your vision for yourself, with gentleness along the way.
• Slowing down
• Prioritizing self-care
• Making room for passion and play–even if it’s only 5 minutes a day
• Feeling your feelings (no more reciting affirmations or pushing oneself to “think positive” until the very real feelings have been acknowledged and worked through)
• Risking being seen by others
  
• Unconditional love and acceptance (and that means no more hating your inner critic, calling it a Gremlin or a monster or all sorts of other names that that sad, scared, triggered little piece of the heart is so often called)
• A commitment to your life vision, with gentleness along the way (and that means that on the days where you don’t risk being seen, or you don’t have unconditional love and acceptance, or you don’t…whatever…you step into some gentleness that you are a tender and lovely human being. It’s okay.)
• Returning to the present moment and using it as a source of power. Coming to just breathing and getting present is the most powerful tool I know.
• Releasing the Stories. (“Capital-S” Stories are those habituated beliefs/ways of thinking/assumptions that are so conditioned that they seem real, even if they might not be).
• Honoring your integrity. Matching your words and actions. Aligning them with your vision.
• This is a big one: claiming your choices, and claiming your life. Accept responsibility for all of it.
• Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness. Living 100% fully alive cannot co-exist with resentment.
• Respectfully speaking your truth.
• Noticing your resistance and then working with it from a place of curiosity: what do you have to teach me?
• Creating intimacy and connection in your relationships
• Being a stand for connection between human beings–which means, that chick that you “hate” at your office? Try out some compassion. That guy who just acted all road-ragey? Send him some love. Clearly, he needs it.
• Dreaming big.
• Being open to magical possibility, and, if it resonates for you, spirit/the Universe/ some kind of unseen force for good

And how does having a life vision help with any of that? My life vision is to completely and totally love and accept all parts of myself, so that I can completely and totally love and accept others, and thus facilitate healing in the world.

It’s a big life vision. It’s not something that one can check off of a to-do list.

But having it really grounds me. I can ask–in my relationships, in my job, in my financial decisions, with my body, and in the moments when I really want to snap someone’s head off–is this my vision for myself? How will I step into my vision for myself, right now?

I mentioned “feeling the feelings” up there. Right here’s where I’ll tell you that I believe that 90% of my work is actually stopping, slowing down, and getting conscious enough to ask myself, “Is this my vision for myself?” If I can do that much, chances are good that I’ll go the extra 10% and act with absolute clarity that I don’t want to act on the urge to snap at someone. (I’ll probably still want to snap at them. But even that urge loses steam when seen through the lens of my vision, and then to stay in integrity with me there are a whole range of tools that I can use to discharge the emotions–I get to have my anger, if I want to…I can just work with it differently).

The slowing down? That’s the link between self-care and all of the other stuff. It all pieces itself together, knits itself you might say. When I’m not prioritizing self-care, I don’t slow down enough. I go, go, go and that’s where my life can get sloppy.

But this is a vision I’m stepping into–and with gentleness. Lots and lots of gentleness for the tenderness of us human beings.

Another thing–my vision? Feel free to share it. I almost typed “steal” it, but of course, a vision is hardly something that can be stolen. It’s definitely something that can be shared! Or take a stab at clarifying your own vision. A life vision is a statement of what your life is about. A good hint that you’ve come across it is that it works across multiple categories–when it comes to any area of my life, from my health to my relationships to the way that I decorate my home, that desire to create a space of love and acceptance for myself that then radiates out to the world, is the foundation.

Alright, I showed you mine. You show me yours!

Well, okay. Talk about a “Duh” kind of question. Who wouldn’t want to go to Italy?

But if you’ve always wanted to go to Italy, this might be the way. Here’s the deal: My Courageous Play retreat in Florence, Italy, is totally full when it comes to meals/lodging (wowza!) but the other day it occurred to me that perhaps there are people who will either be in Italy around the same time or who would love to fly over, find their own lodging deal in Florence, and have a sassy and spectacular group of women to spend five days with. I mean, sipping wine anywhere in Italy is pretty great. But hanging out on the grounds of a 16th century villa sipping wine with other women who speak the same language as you? Nice. Also, grabbing cappuccino and pastries before hopping a bus to Siena for the day? Good stuff. Then throw in classes in art, writing, and photography…and then a portrait session to remember your time there.

Also, another handy thing to have when you’re in Italy is someone who can ask where the nearest restroom is…and then understand the directions given. (That’d be me).

So while I can’t offer accommodations for the Italy trip, what I can offer is a few spots for women who might want to head to Italy October 11th-15th and join us for classes, trips, and more. (Also note: this is a non-smoking retreat). If you’re interested, contact me ASAP at 510.827.0303 or kate@yourcourageouslife.com. I’m limiting this to 5 spaces, and would need to get you set up with a deposit and other details to get started. Cost for joining us? $600 smackers, payable in installments.

A Short Bit With Carmen Torbus from Kate Swoboda on Vimeo.

First, it just has to be said: I think it would be hard to find someone who doesn’t like Carmen Torbus. Re-listening to this snippet of our full-length interview for Across Mediums, I thought that again and again. Sure, when I asked questions she could have had a (fake) pre-prepared answer that made her look all hip and more together than you and me, but instead she dove straight into the heart of the matter and got honest and real about looking at her life, noticing what works and what doesn’t, and being open and curious about how it’s going to shape up along the way.

Awhile back, Carmen did an Inspiring Minds interview with me. I loved her questions so much and was immensely curious as to how she, herself would answer them! She agreed to share her responses, so next week, I’m going to be sharing another interview using those questions.

I’ll also pass the baton to readers: How do you schedule your time? What systems have you found to work best for you?

P.S. Today is the last day to get a pre-order bonus with Across Mediums!

A Short Piece with Angelique Weger from Kate Swoboda on Vimeo.

Often when the inner critic pops in around creativity, it can be easy to tell ourselves that people who are “real artists” have their own studio, hours and hours at their disposal, and a degree in art (maybe even a fancy one). Angelique Weger is a Florida based artist who took a more “circuitous” path to putting art-making in her life, and part of that path included spending some time as a shadow artist. A former Across Mediums participant, a full-length interview with her is included in the new Across Mediums e-book course module.

I’m so excited to share a bit of our interview with you! Her website is still under construction, but when it’s up it’ll be here: http://www.miscellaneaarts.com/. For now, you can catch Angelique’s work here, on Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/miscellanea/

All of these things are great, but they’re not the be-all-end-all of success, living well, or making your dreams happen. So here are ten things you actually don’t need in order to be successful (with success being defined in whatever way you choose):

1.) An organized desk. “My desk is so disorganized,” someone says, as if that’s what keeps them from any hope of seeing their dreams come true. But I think that the hyper-organized types in our society are few and far between. With those few exceptions, the idea that organization is tantamount to success is something that people use as a delay tactic to get started. And the grief so many of us give ourselves because we aren’t “more organized?” Goodness. Let’s just save that energy for something else.

2.) A specific, step-by-step plan. I believe in specifics, and I even believe in step-by-steps and plans. But if there’s too much rigid attachment to the step-by-step, lovely diversions along the way can be missed. Far better to go by instinct. Learn the art of following your inner YES.

3.) Schedules. I’ve been interviewing people for Across Mediums, and one question I keep putting into these interviews is how they make time for artmaking and creativity. I’ve been asking this because I consider myself to be someone recovering from the land of “if you’re serious about something, you make a schedule.” I have a theory that this emphasis/pressure on scheduling our lives down to the minute as a measure of discipline or aptitude has something to do with school and how we did math at 10:00 followed by reading at 11:00 followed by lunch at noon and…you know, it’s taken me years to stop eating at noon just because it was noon, and start eating when I was actually hungry.

4.) A perfectly clean diet. Good grief, the energy I’ve put into finding the perfect diet, thinking that once I found it I would have boundless energy and no stress. Just recently, I started avoiding refined sugar and I feel so much better, but of course what really brings a quality of calm to my day is how present I am in it, and whether or not I’m making a choice to be passionate about whatever it is that’s right before me.

5.) A private office. I love my office. It’s yellow and beautiful. But I spend a fair amount of time writing at my local library, and if I spend too much time in here, I start to feel nuts. In fact, a home office makes self-care harder–because there’s always that thought, “Oh, I could head in there and get this or that done…”

6.) A meditation practice. Meditation is great, but presence is better. Noticing is better. Watching those judgements and opinions and where they create drama and disconnection in your life–all better. Meditation is a great vehicle for learning how to get good at the noticing and watching, but if you’re not making the time for it each day, far better to funnel the energy of beating yourself up into just noticing, watching, and being conscious about your choices.

7.) To work for yourself. There are so many people out there who have great 9-5 jobs and then they do something more creative in a freelance capacity, or not for any money at all, but just for themselves. Your life is a success because you say it is–because you claim your choices and are behind them. Working for someone else is not tyranny (unless you say so). Your life is not a success because you are the next “I quit my job and followed my dreams” poster child on the internet. (If you are that poster child, that’s great–I totally support you. I just don’t believe that it’s what works for all people, and want to support those who are feeling stuck with the Story that they have to quit their job in order to do what they love).

8.) A lot of money. The quality of our lives depends more on how we claim our lives and our choices than it does on the money. Next time you’re worrying about money, consider asking yourself where in your life you aren’t “behind” your recent financial choices. What financial decisions have you made lately that you have a nagging feeling about? Which ones didn’t feel really great to make? Cut those out of your life, and you cut out a lot of the pressure to come up with a lot of money.

9.) To live an esoteric existence. I don’t like the emphasis people put on material things. I’m all about sustainability. I support people who make choices to have few or no possessions if that’s a match for them. I even agree that saving money in all of those areas means more money available, and that this causes less financial stress. However–every choice we have has its flip side. For instance, Andy and I chose to rent our own, stand-alone house. We’re paying more rent this year than we have in years past, at a time when the economy sucks. Of course–We could save money by living in the places we’ve lived in in the past, with shared walls. But then there was stress in other areas–like when the neighbors blasted their music during the day, or woke us in the middle of the night. I like books, comfy chairs to read them in, and chai. I feel more financial stress making things work with this home, but my home is one that I genuinely enjoy being in, so it’s worth it to me to do what it takes to pull in a bit more rent money. In essence, let’s strike a balance between excess and minimalism.

10.) Constant internal monitoring. The inner critic/Ego/fear-based self, whatever you want to call it, that lurks within? Let’s soften that. Let’s have some gentleness. Let’s sink into the choices we make and get behind them, and then accept that some people will look at those choices and write a blog post on “10 Things You’re Not Doing That You Should Be Doing” and maybe those 10 things will be “Get organized!” and “Make a Plan!” and “Set a Schedule” and “Eat Right!” and all of those things. You get to decide what resonates with you, which of them will be necessary for making your life workable.

What would you add to this list? What’s something that you feel you’ve been oft-told is necessary for success (any kind, whether entreprenuerial or otherwise) and really, it wasn’t absolutely necessary?

One of the things that I’m including in the new e-book incarnation of Across Mediums (whoa! Pre-order goodness ends in just a few days…) is interviews with artists and other lovely creative souls. I started contacting people who I’d run across who, in some way, had a message or a way of communicating that really resonated with me. My big questions were: are they really involved in crafting something? Do they seem like “real” people–people who are like you and me–who are finding ways to meld together creativity and family and self-care, and who are willing to be honest about some of the fear that comes with that experience?

One of the people I contacted was the lovely Darrah Parker, a Seattle-based photographer who took these yummy shots:

We talked about doing an interview for Across Mediums in which she would share a bit of her insights into her craft. One thing that really resonates with me is the fact that Darrah just started working for herself within the past 12 months–I can definitely relate to a lot of what she shared!

To view a snippet of our interview, click the “Play” button below. To have access to the full interview, and the other interviews included with the Across Mediums e-book course module, head over to order. Pre-orders (before July 15th) will get a free coaching session included!

A Short Bit with Darrah Parker from Kate Swoboda on Vimeo.

P.S. Consider joining Darrah’s “Slice of Life Tuesday” Flickr group!

So I did this kind of nutty thing about six weeks ago: I stopped eating refined sugar.

I started this little experiment because for the longest time ever, I’ve felt as though something was “off” with my body. Just generally, lots of achiness. Tiredness. And the dogged and persistent acne–good grief. It is embarrassing to still be breaking out in your thirties. Ridiculous. I’ve been on every pill, every medication. It’s not hormonal. My bloodwork is fine. Like everyone else, I could stand to lead a more Om Namah Shivayah kind of life, but frankly, I don’t think self-care is exactly my weak spot. Are we forgetting that I spent last summer in Italy? I’ve tried letting go of dairy. Wheat. I’ve been on a raw foods diet (an experiment I can’t imagine I’d ever take up again, not because it doesn’t work but because good golly, I simply can’t spend that much of my life planning meals).

So I decided I’d try the one thing I’d never, ever tried before: letting go of refined sugar.

Now I commence with telling you that I finally understand the true nature of addiction.

Speaking of this, as part of my sugar detox, I was not doing honey, either–or agave nectar (which I’ve since learned through various and sundry research, agave is not actually this all-natural superfood, and it’s terribly environmentally offensive because most agave is grown in Mexico and then trucked/flown thousands of miles away to the United States). For fourteen days, I had zero refined sugar, and no foods that spike insulin levels when the body converted it to sugar–such as anything with flour in it. No wine. When I shared this with my dear friend Margo, over lunch (salad for me…) she said: “Oh my god. What do you eat?”

Answer: Lots of things. Carrots with hummus. Brown rice and lentil soup. Lots of steamed greens. Quinoa–oh, I looove quinoa. Cashews. Dried apricots. Canned fruit (in pear juice and water, not high-fructose corn syrup). Steamed kale. This really great wild rice casserole inspired by Andy’s sister–sautee some onions in garlic and then toss with wild rice, chopped black olives, and chopped (steamed) green beans. Sooo good.

I was doing a great job with the no sugar thing–couldn’t have even really said that I missed it–until Day Six. Some switch flipped on Day Six and suddenly it was like, “Where’s the sugar? Where? Where could I find me some sugar, honey?” Thus commenced a rather terse couple of days. Mood swings? Check. New acne breakout? Check. Tired and cranky? Check. There was one day when Andy made an offhand comment about cupcakes, something like, “Oh, cupcakes sound good,” and I felt this lift in my mood as I thought of how–YES!–a cupcake would be delicious. Why not have some? And then I remembered that I was off sugar and my mood just fell in about 1.3 seconds flat and tears sprang to my eyes because a cupcake sounded so tasty, and so good, and so fantastic, and I was not having any and life just felt unfair.

But I made it through the fourteen days–the limit I’d given myself for detoxing sugar from my body. I no longer craved it. I was feeling great. I hadn’t lost weight but I had noticed that (probably due to lack of carbs) I was looking pretty muscular, or “cut up” as they say. I had a ton more energy. My acne was clearing. I switched over to organic, all natural cleansers and noticed that my skin was still clearing (which is great, because sometimes even with really strong stuff it would be resistant). I felt more grounded in my skin.

And then. Then I decided I’d try having some sugar. What I noticed: that even small quantities of sugar felt as if I’d just eaten five baklavah. Also, even small quantities of sugar would bring on epic headaches, maybe even some feelings of nausea, and–curiously–a crash in which I feel slightly depressed.

And, those small quantities of sugar? They made me crave more. This is why I say I now understand the nature of addiction. I really believed that if I were to detox the sugar out of my system and get to a point where I was no longer craving it (and I did reach that point), then I’d be cured. Done. I could have small bits of refined sugar here and there, and it wouldn’t matter.

Sadly, no this is not how it works. The little sugar addiction receptors in the brain start bargaining and calculating the way they did when I was on Day Six, looking around, wondering if there were any way that I could push this no sugar thing just a bit and still be keeping my commitment to myself. Which is how I now find myself in the curious predicament of wanting all of the lovely benefits of not having refined sugar–all of that energy! waking up in the morning feeling alert! not crashing in the afternoon! feeling really chill and calm! muscles! –while simultaneously craving it and thinking about it. The other day I was at a party where someone sliced a cake. I noticed myself eyeing the cake on the plate of the person in front of me, watching as bites traveled from plate to mouth.

I mean, Jimminy. Come on.

I was in the midst of my detox when I found this article written by Havi, and now’s the part where I quote from her:

I don’t often mention the no-sugar thing. Or the no-caffeine thing. Because it’s been my experience that — when it comes up — people tend to think that I’m secretly implying that they should do it too.

So let me state as clearly as I can:
The choices I make in my life are only about my life. You can totally drink coffee and eat cookies all day and I will love you just the same.

Seriously. I could not care less.

Whatever guilt or “shoulds” come up for you, they’re not coming from me. I’m sorry if talking about stuff that goes on in my life makes you feel uncomfortable about stuff going on in yours. That is never my intention.

People vary. What might be poisonous to me could be completely harmless — or even beneficial — for you.

I am not interested in being an evangelist. “You” just the way you are right now? Fine by me. I promise.

I feel exactly the same way–big love for anyone reading this, and I’ll support your choices that support you. Swearsies. But I am sharing about my process here, because I’m realizing that if I keep trying to tempt the Sugar Monster, bargaining, swearing I’ll just have a little bit and then I’ll quit tomorrow, I’m going to lose. There is a reason why 12-step programs have you give up trying to have control, first thing. I get it, now.

Ugh. I’m posting here because deep down, I want to be all accountable and stuff, and Numero Uno way to be accountable for me is post it on my blog. Enough people read it and then say later, “So whatever happened with…?” that it is an effective integrity check. I’m also sharing that right now, I’m in the middle of my process rather than on the other side of it, and I’m feeling whiny and icky and all of the Resistance is coming up. It is not attractive.

So I’m saying it: I think it’s time to quit sugar. For reals. And honestly? That sort of scares me. It sort of drives all of these buzzy, annoyed nerve impulses down my spine. Whaddya mean, we gotta quit sugar? It’s not just an experiment?

But for reals–For me, I think it’s time. During the weeks when I had no refined sugar, I had the lovely feeling of being grounded and energetic and healthy that I’ve been looking for. I want that back.

Okay, now I’ll also take another tip from Havi. She has this thing called “Comment Zen.” It’s basically her sharing what she hopes to see in the comments and what she doesn’t want to see. So I’ll share a bit of Comment Zen: My vision would be that we’d share support, tips for getting off the sugar bandwagon, resources–and not “Oh, but how can you give up brownies?”

I’m also going to assign myself a check-in–something to check-in on one month from now, in which I follow up. I’m even going to put it in my little iCal and set it to ding at me so that I’ll remember. And if you want to support the cause by dinging in on August 6th, please feel free to pop back in.

I am too tired to write a real, actual blog post today. It’s been kind of a long day. I just discovered, just today, what apparently the rest of the world knows: If you are a Mac user and you create a document in Word for Mac and that document has hyperlinks, and then you convert the document to a PDF, the hyperlinks won’t work. It’s a known issue, with no fix. (Now, if you are a programmer and would like to make gadzillions of dollars? By all means, create the patch that fixes this, because from talking to a slew of very in-the-know people today, it’s one that you could generate some serious cash flow on).

So I am having one of those days where hours–yes, hours--disappeared down a technological rabbit hole. The good news? I have ended up finding out how to fix the issue (use Pages, or send the doc to someone with a PeeCee and ask them to convert it for me). But still, I’m just sort of tired and want to curl up on the couch and imitate this little dude. How about you?

I thought it would be good to go back and clarify a bit about what I meant when I talked about cleaning out your garbage a few posts ago. As a metaphor for how we hold on to things, I talked about putting “garbage” in a basement rather than taking it out to the curb, and completely letting it go. This is what most of us do with our old wounds, hurts, Stories, pasts, worries about the future. Instead of letting go, we stuff these things into the recesses of our minds until that “basement” is way too full. Then we do odd things with our garbage, like taking out just a little bit of it but not all of it, or rearranging our garbage so that it looks prettier, or creating all kinds of drama around the garbage.

A simple definition of “the garbage” would be: the stuff that is no longer serving us. It’s no longer useful to keep around.

There are some helpful distinctions to make when thinking about these things. For instance, some of my garbage is old anger. It’s important to make the distinction that Anger isn’t bad. However, anger that just keeps recycling itself, feeding on itself, running in a pattern, unchecked? That’s not serving anyone. Far better for me to take that garbage “out of the basement” rather than keeping it around.

I’d also want to make the distinction that while I’m calling it “garbage” for the purposes of this metaphor I’ve used, I believe that there’s value in everything that comes into the circle of our existence. It’s all part of BEing your journey, sinking deeply into it and having curiosity about each piece. I’m not saying that the garbage is something that should be rejected, or that the journey should be shifted so that no garbage ever comes in. Accept that garbage exists. Accept that you’re a human being and you’ll generate more. Then do as the environmental movement advocates: see what you can do to cultivate less of it, and be responsible about disposal. No creating hazardous, toxic zones.

Last, I’d also want to share that “taking out the garbage” is not as simple as repeating a few affirmations (well, it never has been for me–if it is that simple for you, then I think that that’s fantastic). I’m not suggesting that the metaphorical “taking out the garbage” is literally as easy as dragging something out and letting it go. The stuckness is keeping the garbage sitting in that basement, sweltering, rotting, verminous. Letting go of stuckness is moving that garbage out, and sometimes that process is messy. Sometimes we get down to the basement and look around and go, “Waaaaaaiiiit a second. No way am I going to mess with this stuff.” Then perhaps we decide that it would be easier to keep it around than look at it.

Sometimes when I meet my own stuck places, I find that the mantra that comforts me the most when I want to be over there in the nice, happy, transformed place, and instead I’m right here still in the muck is “When something is ready to transform, it transforms.” This is about acceptance. We have all of these choices coming at us, moment to moment to moment as for how we’re going to hold something. I’ve wrung my hands any number of times, thinking, “If I know that this doesn’t serve me, why don’t I just stop, and change, and do it differently?”

Answer: I don’t do it differently because when I am ready to transform, I will transform. If I’m still doing it the old way, then clearly I’m not yet ready to transform. But when I’m ready, I will. And the same is true for you.

Can we all just have some love and acceptance now, for the places in our hearts that are still not ready to transform, that are still waiting? Will we risk loving ourselves anyway?

I loved this from Pema Chodron (I am still obsessively reading and annotating When Things Fall Apart):

“Perhaps nothing ever really attacks us except our own confusion. Perhaps there is no solid obstacle except our own need to protect ourselves from being touched. Maybe the only enemy is that we don’t like the way reality is now and therefore wish it would go away fast. But what we find as practitioners is that nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. If we run a hundred miles an hour to the other end of the continent to get away from an obstacle, we find the very same problem waiting for us when we arrive. It just keeps returning with new names, forms, and manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us about where we are separating ourselves from reality, how we are pulling back instead of opening up, closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever we encounter, without hesitating or retreating into ourselves.”

To whatever degree we can open up some spaciousness for ourselves around our process, the better we’ll be able to get a wider picture, a clearer view, and a more informed perspective. Often we think the thing to do is clamp down and work harder on “getting it right.” It’s the difference between expansion and contraction, and as Chodron mentions above, the inclination is often to close down, to retreat into ourselves. To contract.

Let’s open something up, here. Let’s claim the places where we still haven’t transformed something, where we still want to hide, and just sit in that. “Hi, my name’s __________. I still want to hide in the areas of ________, __________, ________.” When I claim those places, I notice that it feels much the way I feel after finally making an apology. Sure, I might feel embarrassed about something I’ve done, but it is such a relief to just apologize, to do my best to clean up my part and create connection.

Take out a sheet of paper, a journal (or feel free to use the comments). Write out the areas where you still want to let yourself hide. Then ask yourself: “If I know that nothing ever goes away until it has taught me what it needs me to know, what is this teaching me?”

Are you willing to have some love and acceptance in your heart for the places that are not yet willing to transform?