Your Courageous Life

still just as sweet

So I did this kind of nutty thing about six weeks ago: I stopped eating refined sugar.

I started this little experiment because for the longest time ever, I’ve felt as though something was “off” with my body. Just generally, lots of achiness. Tiredness. And the dogged and persistent acne–good grief. It is embarrassing to still be breaking out in your thirties. Ridiculous. I’ve been on every pill, every medication. It’s not hormonal. My bloodwork is fine. Like everyone else, I could stand to lead a more Om Namah Shivayah kind of life, but frankly, I don’t think self-care is exactly my weak spot. Are we forgetting that I spent last summer in Italy? I’ve tried letting go of dairy. Wheat. I’ve been on a raw foods diet (an experiment I can’t imagine I’d ever take up again, not because it doesn’t work but because good golly, I simply can’t spend that much of my life planning meals).

So I decided I’d try the one thing I’d never, ever tried before: letting go of refined sugar.

Now I commence with telling you that I finally understand the true nature of addiction.

Speaking of this, as part of my sugar detox, I was not doing honey, either–or agave nectar (which I’ve since learned through various and sundry research, agave is not actually this all-natural superfood, and it’s terribly environmentally offensive because most agave is grown in Mexico and then trucked/flown thousands of miles away to the United States). For fourteen days, I had zero refined sugar, and no foods that spike insulin levels when the body converted it to sugar–such as anything with flour in it. No wine. When I shared this with my dear friend Margo, over lunch (salad for me…) she said: “Oh my god. What do you eat?”

Answer: Lots of things. Carrots with hummus. Brown rice and lentil soup. Lots of steamed greens. Quinoa–oh, I looove quinoa. Cashews. Dried apricots. Canned fruit (in pear juice and water, not high-fructose corn syrup). Steamed kale. This really great wild rice casserole inspired by Andy’s sister–sautee some onions in garlic and then toss with wild rice, chopped black olives, and chopped (steamed) green beans. Sooo good.

I was doing a great job with the no sugar thing–couldn’t have even really said that I missed it–until Day Six. Some switch flipped on Day Six and suddenly it was like, “Where’s the sugar? Where? Where could I find me some sugar, honey?” Thus commenced a rather terse couple of days. Mood swings? Check. New acne breakout? Check. Tired and cranky? Check. There was one day when Andy made an offhand comment about cupcakes, something like, “Oh, cupcakes sound good,” and I felt this lift in my mood as I thought of how–YES!–a cupcake would be delicious. Why not have some? And then I remembered that I was off sugar and my mood just fell in about 1.3 seconds flat and tears sprang to my eyes because a cupcake sounded so tasty, and so good, and so fantastic, and I was not having any and life just felt unfair.

But I made it through the fourteen days–the limit I’d given myself for detoxing sugar from my body. I no longer craved it. I was feeling great. I hadn’t lost weight but I had noticed that (probably due to lack of carbs) I was looking pretty muscular, or “cut up” as they say. I had a ton more energy. My acne was clearing. I switched over to organic, all natural cleansers and noticed that my skin was still clearing (which is great, because sometimes even with really strong stuff it would be resistant). I felt more grounded in my skin.

And then. Then I decided I’d try having some sugar. What I noticed: that even small quantities of sugar felt as if I’d just eaten five baklavah. Also, even small quantities of sugar would bring on epic headaches, maybe even some feelings of nausea, and–curiously–a crash in which I feel slightly depressed.

And, those small quantities of sugar? They made me crave more. This is why I say I now understand the nature of addiction. I really believed that if I were to detox the sugar out of my system and get to a point where I was no longer craving it (and I did reach that point), then I’d be cured. Done. I could have small bits of refined sugar here and there, and it wouldn’t matter.

Sadly, no this is not how it works. The little sugar addiction receptors in the brain start bargaining and calculating the way they did when I was on Day Six, looking around, wondering if there were any way that I could push this no sugar thing just a bit and still be keeping my commitment to myself. Which is how I now find myself in the curious predicament of wanting all of the lovely benefits of not having refined sugar–all of that energy! waking up in the morning feeling alert! not crashing in the afternoon! feeling really chill and calm! muscles! –while simultaneously craving it and thinking about it. The other day I was at a party where someone sliced a cake. I noticed myself eyeing the cake on the plate of the person in front of me, watching as bites traveled from plate to mouth.

I mean, Jimminy. Come on.

I was in the midst of my detox when I found this article written by Havi, and now’s the part where I quote from her:

I don’t often mention the no-sugar thing. Or the no-caffeine thing. Because it’s been my experience that — when it comes up — people tend to think that I’m secretly implying that they should do it too.

So let me state as clearly as I can:
The choices I make in my life are only about my life. You can totally drink coffee and eat cookies all day and I will love you just the same.

Seriously. I could not care less.

Whatever guilt or “shoulds” come up for you, they’re not coming from me. I’m sorry if talking about stuff that goes on in my life makes you feel uncomfortable about stuff going on in yours. That is never my intention.

People vary. What might be poisonous to me could be completely harmless — or even beneficial — for you.

I am not interested in being an evangelist. “You” just the way you are right now? Fine by me. I promise.

I feel exactly the same way–big love for anyone reading this, and I’ll support your choices that support you. Swearsies. But I am sharing about my process here, because I’m realizing that if I keep trying to tempt the Sugar Monster, bargaining, swearing I’ll just have a little bit and then I’ll quit tomorrow, I’m going to lose. There is a reason why 12-step programs have you give up trying to have control, first thing. I get it, now.

Ugh. I’m posting here because deep down, I want to be all accountable and stuff, and Numero Uno way to be accountable for me is post it on my blog. Enough people read it and then say later, “So whatever happened with…?” that it is an effective integrity check. I’m also sharing that right now, I’m in the middle of my process rather than on the other side of it, and I’m feeling whiny and icky and all of the Resistance is coming up. It is not attractive.

So I’m saying it: I think it’s time to quit sugar. For reals. And honestly? That sort of scares me. It sort of drives all of these buzzy, annoyed nerve impulses down my spine. Whaddya mean, we gotta quit sugar? It’s not just an experiment?

But for reals–For me, I think it’s time. During the weeks when I had no refined sugar, I had the lovely feeling of being grounded and energetic and healthy that I’ve been looking for. I want that back.

Okay, now I’ll also take another tip from Havi. She has this thing called “Comment Zen.” It’s basically her sharing what she hopes to see in the comments and what she doesn’t want to see. So I’ll share a bit of Comment Zen: My vision would be that we’d share support, tips for getting off the sugar bandwagon, resources–and not “Oh, but how can you give up brownies?”

I’m also going to assign myself a check-in–something to check-in on one month from now, in which I follow up. I’m even going to put it in my little iCal and set it to ding at me so that I’ll remember. And if you want to support the cause by dinging in on August 6th, please feel free to pop back in.