Your Courageous Life

trust

So. Last week, a department chair from one of the colleges where I used to teach left a message and asked if I’d take on some classes that she needed filled. If I took them on, I’d be teaching part-time, a few afternoons a week.

I thought about this for about an hour before I called her back, wanting to be sure of what my answer was.

I believe that the most important thing when we make choices is that we are “behind” them. That we claim them fully. It’s not the choice itself to stay or leave a relationship, take or not take a job, do or don’t do XYZ, that is problematic, so much as it is the fear and suffering that is so often attached (by us!), thinking that making a certain choice means peril. When I’m in my happy place–feeling strong–not getting attached to outcome–trusting–connected to myself–I’m completely aware that there are no mistakes, and that every choice has its significance in the overall framework of our lives. The things that seem like wrong turns later are opportunities for growth, for seeing the “gold” in our lives–that is, if we choose that for ourselves. I can’t say I have a single regret about my life.

But from a triggered place–a fearful place–a place where I’m disconnected from me…and we all have those places…I can get very attached to this idea that there is a “right” decision for me to  be making, and that if I don’t choose wisely, all is lost.

Iyanla VanZant says in her book Yesterday, I Cried, “Your life speaks to you. You have to learn to listen.” So if I back up a bit, to a few weeks ago, then I’d share a bit about some things going on in my life, things that have been tender; things that I’ve held close and with care; things that I knew it wasn’t quite time to share with the larger world because I knew that I was reacting, not listening. (P.S. This is a handy tool to put into your metaphorical toolbox: When you notice that you’re reacting, rather than listening, it’s not time to make a decision).

Thing #1: Andy and I, talking about what commitment looks like. We’ve been together a few years. What does it look like for us to commit on a deeper level? Are we a lifelong relationship, or a relationship that has served its purpose to grow us into where we are today, and now it’s time to evaluate and possibly move on?

Thing #2: Money. I’ve been basically supporting myself since working for myself, but then bits and pieces were creeping up, which meant the credit card bill was creeping up. I am okay with this. I was aware when I started working for myself that most people would need to do the “credit card juggle” for at least the first year of business, and have considered myself doing quite well in that I’m not juggling; I’ve just got one, and I’ve never used it to pay rent. Yet I was also sweating a bit from the lack of benefits; I had food poisoning and had to go to the emergency room in March, and in May a piece of a filling in my mouth came out, requiring an unplanned trip to the dentist’s office to get filled. The reality of that, much as I don’t like it, is that those charges go onto the credit card.

Thing #3: Feeling a pull to actually dive all the way in and get my license to become a therapist. This process would not be like, oh, just going back to school for a bit, doing homework, writing an essay. To get your MFT (Marriage and Family Therapy License) requires anywhere from 2-3 years of schooling plus 3,000 hours of internship work (probably unpaid) and then sitting for a series of licensing exams. The MSW (Master of Social Work) is a similar process but with less funky licensing, and it’s another option I’m considering–both with the aim of being a therapist.

Thing #4: Andy and I have been talking about moving to the Boulder, Colorado area. Not only was talking about an inter-state move bringing all of these commitment conversations to a head, but this was also throwing a wrench in the decision process for going back to school. California has different licensing requirements for the MFT than other states. If I started school here in California, I’d likely need to finish here (then again, the other half of me thinks, I could probably just complete the school requirements in one place and the licensing requirements in the state I planned to practice in). I’d need to be prepared for a certain amount of headache if we ever did move to another state, because other states are (understandably) a little skeptical of California’s separate licensing process.

Thing #5: Do I even want to go down that path of becoming a therapist? I really enjoy working with people in a Coaching capacity, and would like to deepen that experience–not to mention step away from the term “Life Coach,” a term that doesn’t really conjure up a positive image for me and that–I’m betting–will eventually require regulation at some point because too many “Become certified to be a life coach in 16 hours over the weekend!” classes are cropping up, or worse, people who dive into this with no training at all, and I imagine that the Board of Behavior Sciences, the regulatory entity for mental health professions, probably isn’t going to let that fly forever. Someone, somewhere, is going to do something screwed up under the guise of being a Life Coach, and then, you know–bring on the inquest and the task forces.

When I consider the benefits of more education (which, I always used to tell my English students, is the best investment one can make–what else can you get in life that will never, ever go away?), it seems absolutely worth it to get formally licensed. However,I have no interest in working with diagnoses; I would still want to work with the same demographic of people that I’m currently working with (women who want to get more connected to themselves, and their lives, and fully claim their choices ).

But… Would getting my MFT be valuable in terms of education and experience, but ultimately would I then be at Square One again a few years from now, building up a client base? Would it be wiser to instead invest time now into continuing to build what I have?

Thing #6: Maybe I just don’t want to do anything. Maybe I just want to write books, and travel to Italy, and learn Italian, and not have a single other thing on my plate.

So.

When my former department chair called up and offered me these classes, I said yes. And this past Monday, I stepped into the classroom again, after thinking that I would not be back.

I did it because my life is speaking, and I’m trying to listen. My life seems to be saying to me right now, There are lots of decisions on your plate. What creates both stability during times of change, as well as the most possible flexibility, as you’re considering all options?

Teaching part-time, as far as I could tell, would do that. If Andy and I decided to part ways because we have different ideas about the commitment we want in our lives, I’d no longer have a financial backup plan. (In this moment, I am glad to share that we are “all in.” And I’m also glad to share that I risked asking really. hard. questions. during a tough time in our relationship.) If we decide to move to Boulder, I’ll certainly want some savings for that. If I decide to pursue my MFT, teaching would give me steady income while in school, and the schedule works well with the MFT. If I decide that I just don’t want to do a friggin thing, again, teaching part-time helps to make that happen, since I can take summers off and chill in Italy. Amidst all of this, I can still see my current clients and work on more e-books.

But then came the inner critic voices. I had to ask: Was I failing? Since I didn’t walk out into the world of working for myself and make major bank, was this some kind of…sign?

And then it comes back to being willing to claim my choices, and have acceptance of what-is. And, above all else, to trust. Trust that my business, like a newborn child, is growing and changing and moving at exactly the pace that is perfect for it. Trust that whatever choices I’m making, I’ll learn from them. Trust that with the information I have at any given time, I’m really doing a great job and rocking out.

(And, if I’m completely honest? It’s not sexy, but it’s kind of…fun to be in a classroom again. I’m assigning Confessions of an Economic Hit Man and Nickel and Dimed, to satisfy my “Social Justice” funny bone).

So I must ask: What is your life saying to you, these days? Are you listening?