My vision in creating the Create Stillness retreat was simply this–to help people to free themselves up from the shameful inner critic that yammers away when we try to create stillness in our lives, telling us that we’re not doing it right or we’re not disciplined enough or we should have done this or that. I wanted to create an experience for people of going deeply into something and realizing that the point of meditation or stillness is presence. Showing up for all of it. Going into all of it deeply, with attention, so as to be in the living of life and not outside the living of life.

This is related to the fact that the most profound inner revelation I had had in the two years prior to doing this retreat was that slowing. down. was what was needed in order to really shift the inner critic voices. I kept trying to work with those voices, thinking, “Oh, yes, I will speak to myself with unconditional regard; I will not pooh-pooh an idea before it has started; I will not tell myself that I am a pathetic piece of shit.”

You know how that goes, right? Before I knew it, hours had passed and I’d been beating up on myself about something, or–worse, in my mind–taken my upset out on someone else and felt the shame hangover.

It is quite obvious, but it is true: when there is less on one’s plate, it’s easier to give attention to that which remains, and once you’re putting focused attention on something so that you can observe it and see all of its ins and outs and bits and baubles, then there’s a real chance of change. I spent the summer of 2008 living in Italy, and it was a time of intense transformation for me. I had nothing on my plate, nothing I “had” to do, and in the quiet of my little room tucked away in a villa, I felt such spaciousness that I was able to hear those critical voices the moment they surfaced, and then listen, and do so with presence, and then make a conscious, present, focused choice about what I wanted to do, next.

It was also in Italy that I learned that the point was not necessarily meditation on a cushion with the right mudra. It’s absolutely a worthy practice, one that will bring a person deep, but it’s not the only practice. I learned in Italy that getting present to food, to silence, to nature, to art, to taking a photograph–all were forms of practicing stillness.

Look. There are people who think I’m wrong, and they’re quite vocal about how wrong they feel I am on this topic. If the proof is in the pudding, let it be in how insistent one needs to be on saying that someone else is wrong–not very “still” or “present” of them–but I know that each of us is presented with the exact thing that is the next step in our own growth. Sometimes we all choose to push up against something.

What I know is that this weekend was profoundly touching for me. I so enormously appreciated meeting each of the participants. (P.S. There’s one person who is not linked here because I don’t have her website info, however, I’m giving a little wave to Suzie!).

And there are not words for how much I love, adore, and am hopelessly smitten with the courageous, ferocious, tenacious, gentle, soul-FULL Darlene Kruetzer Paetz, who assisted and lead part of the retreat.

I’ve just spent the weekend with nine other phenomenally inspiring women at the Create Stillness retreat, all of whom have touched me in so many ways. As I drift back into my “regular life,” I find myself replaying the moments of our weekend the way you would replay a truly wonderful party. I want to tell you alllll about it, but — if I’m to have any hope of creating some stillness in my own life right now, I have a few different things that I need to attend to. I was sick for two weeks, and got dreadfully behind! For now, I’ll leave you with just a few images of a lovely weekend…

I am back home feeling as if a re-set button has been hit on my life. After the year I’ve had–which has been one of tremendous shake-ups, changes, shifts, and transformations–I needed a break, and getting completely and totally out of my environment was long overdue.

Grazie. Thank you.

I’m so grateful for giving this gift to myself. It’s not always easy to do. Like anyone else, I have the sides of me that say that it’s a waste of time or money to take that space. Of course, there were also the fears–how would I manage to both get a break and run a retreat? How would I both get the break and manage my business? Do those of you who are working for yourselves know what I’m talking about? There’s a very real fear that can come up that if I’m not keeping a close eye on everything, somehow all the work to build something could easily topple.

But I needn’t have worried. As things often have a habit of doing, things just worked themselves right out. It was all fine. Life in California moved along without me manning the controls and in Italy, I stepped into an experience of leading a retreat that rocked my world.

Today was my first “real” day back–checking email (oof!), getting back into the swing of things. I took a working lunch at Cafe Gratitude, which is to say that I mostly jotted notes for ideas and left the computer at home, and I made a list of priorities. Priority #1: Self-Care.

I had already decided before I got back from Italy that I wanted to blog through the exercises in the Create Stillness e-book that I created. Then I thought, why not include others in on this? It’s right before the holidays, a time when life can be nuts. Let’s step into that practice of Creating Stillness, right here and right now, and let’s do it together. I’m curious to see how others will put it together for themselves.

So if you want to participate and blog through the Create Stillness e-book–lovely. We’ll start on Monday, November 1st. I update my blog on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, so those are the days I’ll be updating. The system would go something like this:

1. Download the Create Stillness e-book.
2. Check here to see what piece we’re looking at on a given day.
3. Write your own blog post.
4. Head here to add your own response in the comments for that day.

To know if this is a retreat for you, consider how things are going to feel for you, post-holidays. Do you promise yourself every year that you’re going to take it easy or give yourself some kind of break, and then somehow the chaos just bleeds from one month to the next?

The retreat is in March. Is that usually right about the time that you’ve given up on your New Year’s resolutions and need an extra burst of motivation? Is that the point in the year where cold and snow and nasty weather has just about run you through, and you could use a dose of California coastal beauty (and relatively mild temperatures)?

Consider how you’ve felt about retreats that center around presence in the past. Have you been interested, but the idea of sitting on a cushion staring at a wall for days on end doesn’t sound like your kind of presence (or much of a vacation)? Are you someone who’s interested in creating stillness in your life, but you’re tired of all the fits and starts of a “meditation practice” and want something more direct and practical?

How much have you wanted to connect with others from the online world? Do you read the stories of other women having retreats online, sharing their pictures and time together, and wish you had that for yourself?

This is a retreat that I would give to myself–time for an internal journey, yet having time to connect with others and not get too quiet. Time for sinking into a comfortable bed piled with pillows and a puffy comforter; time for walking along the water; time for taking a deep breath and inhaling the smells of eucalyptus and cedar trees and feeling the quiet sinking into my pores; time for laughter with others; time for soaking in a tub. Time for taking pictures and writing writing writing without the pressure to create. Time for marveling at such awesome beauty, because standing in front of those waves and watching them roll towards the shoreline is such magnificence.

If you’re interested in registering, contact me at kate@yourcourageouslife.com or use the Registration button on the Create Stillness website. After you register your deposit, you can make payments in $100 monthly installments. Simple. Basic. Included is lodging, some meals, classes and more.

This was one of only a few hilariously funny moments. We were winding our way through Florence on our first day on the town. I was giving just the basic overview–Duomo, Piazza della Reppublica, Orsan Michele, Piazza della Signoria/Uffizi, Ponte Vecchio, then we were heading to a restaurant called Lo Straccotto for a lunch reservation I’d made.

All along the way, I was learning things, and first on the list was that a basic overview couldn’t possibly be basic. Florence is too beautiful. The picture taking had to start–immediately (I was cool with this). Then I mentioned the lunch place and someone said, “Well, where’s that in reference to where we are now?” and then I said, “There’s a map on the back of those business cards I gave you,” and then, one-by-one, each person said, “Uh, I don’t have my card,” “Nope, left mine,” “Oh, you did say to grab those, didn’t you?”

Then someone else had the brilliant idea: one person had brought theirs, so photograph the map on the card, and then use that map! And because this was so funny, of course I had to get a picture of the process.

It was an amazing week.

We walked (and walked and walked). We had multi-course meals–appetizers, primi piatti, secondi piatti. The villa where we stayed really knocked it out of the park with the amazing meals (though everyone agreed they were not accustomed to eating all of that food!). We went to Siena and the rain didn’t start until that evening, which felt like a gift from the weather gods, to let us have that time there. I think I managed to get everyone into Grom at some point.

I learned and learned and learned, and took it all in, and kept checking in with myself and noticing that aside from feeling anxious when we were all trying to navigate the bus system (possible perils? pick pockets! Italian locals who have no patience with tourists! someone forgetting to validate their ticket and getting fined! and, of course–forgetting someone if we got off the bus!), I noticed a pleasant sense of, “This is exactly right.”

I’d really love to create space more community space, more one-on-one space like this. I’m excited to be leading more retreats in 2011.

My only regret was that we didn’t get even more creative time. Though I gotta say that this night of rocking the mixed-media to the sound of excited chatter and 80′s tunes in a 16th century villa was pretty sweet:

But it was not just an amazing week because of any planned activities. More than anything, it was an amazing week because the participants created it that way. They showed up, and they showed up with open hearts, and they were incredibly patient and loving with one another. And this broke my heart open, as well. Three people were heading out early in the morning so the night before, I came to give them a final goodbye.

I said goodbye and headed back to the room I was sharing with my assistant, Valerie, and as I walked in the cool October night air, I began to cry. When I arrived at the room I cried more (and I think I startled Valerie a bit, though she held that space well–exactly what I had needed and why I was so glad that she was there). I was crying because the week had taken a toll, energetically. There were things going on behind the scenes both before arriving in Italy and during the week that had been tiring–organizing something like this is so, so much more than simply showing people where they can buy a bus pass. I cried because the week itself had been one requiring attention and presence, and that was a challenging space to maintain, much as I liked it. I cried because I was afraid that I had now tasted this really wonderful experience, and what if I never got to do it again? I cried because the three women leaving had touched my heart and their leaving signaled the end of this experience, and I didn’t want them to be gone

And I cried because it had just been this amazing experience. I was laughing and crying at the same time.

Now that everyone has left, there is a quietness that has come over the villa, and me. I confess I’m experiencing it as a kind of sadness, though I don’t share that to attract any kind of pity so much as I just want to share it for the sake of relating an authentic experience. I think the bits of sadness have to do with nothing so dramatic–just the shape shifting that this journey has taken. It’s a big adjustment to take leave of one’s life for nearly a month, and now I’ve been living in Italy for going on three weeks. I naturally miss my boyfriend, my cat, the familiar comforts of home–and it doesn’t help to have a bit of a cold.

But this is what it is–I have a few days left here, days to study Italian and eavesdrop on conversations. I will go to Pasticceria Buscioni when I need a dose of kindness and I will look up at the Duomo when I need beauty.

And, I promise, my dear liver, that when I get back to California, we will go on a nice little detox from all of this wheat and dairy.

But for now…andiamo!

Roadtrip – Summer 2010 from Kate Swoboda on Vimeo.

I can’t help it–I just want to grab the tail coats of summer and hold on to them, hold them close, not let them go! Once Labor Day has come and gone, and the stores have started putting out their stock of sweaters, I realize that my favorite season (summer) has come and gone. I look forward to it all year.

But at least we have the memories…

Stacy’s COURAGE necklace (a limited-edition available here!)

For all of what I’ve spent the past few months fantasizing, dreaming, creating, building, working towards to only be a few days away is such a thrilling–absolutely thrilling feeling.

It also feels very different than I had thought it would feel–and that’s okay. Even on the days when I have been most afraid, I have had some larger sense that whatever was coming up next for me, I needed to make the shift. It feels good. What I think more than anything else is that I feel more alive than I had felt before, and the surprise has been that “alive” is not always euphoria. Sometimes “alive” is a thin razor’s edge away from the cold, bracing wind of fear (and believe me, I know what that kind of wind feels like, having spent a few winters in Chicago…so sorry to all of you dear souls who are getting blasted with nasty winter weather!).

So here’s the rundown of what’s coming:

First, the registration deadline for The Courageous Year is in three days (1/1/10)! The course will officially start on January 17th, but I’ll need time to set up your member login and things of that nature, which is why I’m cutting the deadline a bit earlier. To register, visit the registration page for the e-course.

Second, the Courageous Living retreat to be held in April in San Francisco still has some spots open. I am so incredibly excited about this retreat. I am absolutely creating it as the kind of weekend that I would want to attend as a participant (complete with our own private house, catered meals made by this chef I know who makes–seriously–the most amazing food, and such a lovely beach view…click here to see a video of the grounds!). Participants will come away rested, connected, and inspired after a weekend of both sharing their truth, as well as taking a step back from the everyday grind and getting an opportunity to dream even bigger. There is currently a $200 discount for the retreat, bringing the total cost to $400–if you sign up by January 1st. Visit the registration page for the Courageous Living retreat to get started.

Third, also starting on January 1st is a series I’m starting called the “Stop the Job Suckage Challenge!” I believe that even the most difficult work environment can be improved so that it doesn’t feel quite so hard to get up in the morning and face a job that you are not passionate about and that you may wish you could quit (like, five minutes ago). Download a badge and post it on your Facebook page or Blog, and link to:

http://www.yourcourageouslife.com/learn-to-like-your-job.html

(right-click on the badge, followed by a Save-As)

Beyond anything else, I feel such an enormous outpouring of love and support for all of the people who have helped me in the past few months. I love all of you, near and far (some of you VERY far) who asked if they could pass out courageous cards in your area. I love all of you who Twittered or posted on Facebook about the e-course or the retreats. I love all of you who sent me emails of support, just telling me that you thought I was doing something worthy–absolute strangers did this! I love all of you who participated in giveaways and left fun comments. I have never felt so held, and all of this support only motivates me more to do my part to help YOU–to help you to live your courageous lives. That might not show up in the form of taking an e-course or a retreat, but I really do have this vision for collaboration with the world, for all of us sharing a vision of people living lives that they’re really passionate and excited about.

My heart is so, so full of gratitude–and quite frankly, I feel better about the world in general–just knowing that yes, yes, yes...there are others of you out there who want people to live BIG. Yes, yes, yes there are so many others of you who know that you weren’t meant to live halfway. Yes, yes, yes there are so many others who, like me, don’t have all of the steps and how-to’s mapped out, yet we’re still going to look around and try things out and see what happens and then try more and see what happens again.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

**On a slower internet connection, press “Play,” then “Pause,” watch the status bar to see when the video has fully downloaded, and then press “Play” again.

I’ve had a conference call with my two dear soul sisters, Vivienne McMaster and Valerie Tookes, and I am so excited–they are very generously acting as my assistants for the upcoming Courageous Living Retreat in April.

In addition to assisting and participating in the retreat, Valerie and Vivienne are donating their skills to help make it an even more amazing experience for YOU–Valerie is offering consults on dietary needs (not the kind that should you or shame you–the kind that offer the relief of not sorting through the diet madness perpetuated by the media!) and Vivienne is offering mini-portrait sessions (I’ve worked with her before, and this is my one of my favorite shots that she has taken)!

The cost of the retreat is only $400 if you register your deposit by the January 1st deadline (therafter, the total cost is $600). The retreat includes lodging (in our own house) and all but one meal, transport to and from the city, and, of course–flowers to wear in your hair, if you’re so inclined (I mean, if you’re going to San Francisco…).

To get more information, check out the Retreats page–and watch the video above. In it, I’ve included shots of the house and the grounds, as well as the beautiful ocean view. I can almost smell the ocean air!