I recently posted this to the Your Courageous Life Facebook community: “How you relate to your fear teaches you where you stop short of showing others your love.”
A few lovelies in the community said: “Tell me more about that!” and naturally, I aim to please.
Fear is not a comfortable experience for anyone (anyone I’ve ever met, anyway). In dealing with that discomfort, we all relate to our fear in different ways.
- Some of us hate it and want to tell it to fuck off.
- Some of us knuckle under to it, feeling controlled by it, while resenting that it exists.
- Some of us avoid it as much as possible through every imaginable avenue of denial, pretending not to experience it while immersing oneself in every possible distraction.
There are other options for how to relate to fear. The point is that there are parallels, here. How we treat the experience of fear itself, when it arises in the body and when the Stories crop up in our thought processes, mirrors how we react to the people we love.
In that way, how you relate to your fear shows you where you stop short of showing others your love.
Creating Better Relationships
If you sincerely desire to create more loving relationships in your life, more connection, more happiness and fulfillment, then look at what gets in the way: fear.
Then look at what you put in the way, yourself: your response to fear.
Fear arises naturally, when confronted with challenges and situations that feel new or vulnerable. What you do with it becomes your experience of life.
If I want to love my husband, sister, partner, brother, mother, boss, co-worker, neighbor or the guy who just cut me off in traffic, it would do me well to see where I draw the line with being willing to love my fear. Wherever I’m unwilling to love the parts of me that are hard to be with, I’m drawing a line and saying, “I’m unwilling to love the parts of YOU that are harder to be with.”
Love Your Fear
Love your fear, Kate? you might be thinking. That sounds crazy!
Well, let’s get a little crazy. Love your fear. It certainly could use it, couldn’t it? Is there any part of you that needs more love, than that? Have you ever seen a detriment to offering love and compassion to anything or anyone in the world that is sorely in need of it?
By the way, we don’t need to confuse love with “do whatever the other person wants, even when it doesn’t feel right, to me.”
- You can love your fear, without doing what it says.
- You can love your relatives or in-laws or ex-husband, without agreeing with what they do.
- You can love people of the opposite political persuasion, without voting for them.
- You can love anyone in the world, while also making the choice to limit contact with them and not choose to be in the same room with them.
The practice of love and and the decision to agree or disagree, or to take a particular course of action, is not inherently linked.
This, by the way, is incredible courage: to know yourself well enough to say, “I’m going to prioritize what matters most to me, while also giving you a healthy ‘no.’ ”
Click to tweet: Fear is actually the call to love bigger, not to shrink within. http://ctt.ec/vZaqc
Fear-Courage Connection Exercise
I call this the “fear-courage connection to everything you want in life” because whether you’re going for the tangible or intangible, how you react to fear dictates what choices you make and how smoothly getting what you want in life actually goes.
So ask yourself: What is something I’ve long wanted in my life, that has long eluded me?
Then ask yourself: What are my habitual reactions to fear?
Now connect the dots: Is there a relationship between how I treat my fear, and where I stop short of really finding my way to this thing that I’ve long desired?
Finally, ask yourself one more question: What would courage choose?
(This is a double-sided question, really. You’re really asking, “What would love choose?”).
Your fear doesn’t have to go away, or not exist, for you to make this connection and step into more of everything you want in your life. You can drop whatever energy has been exhausting you–because boy, does avoiding fear, or hating fear, or distracting from fear become exhausting.
The practice of courage doesn’t start on the day when your fear is long gone. It starts now. Today. Whenever you want it. Dive in.
“I’m sick of listening to her bitch and moan.”
“I’m trying not to whine about this, but…”
“Quit complaining! Be grateful!”
So first, there’s that. That’s on the front lines. We’re all striving to avoid this.
I’ll be honest: when I’m around someone who is chronically whining, complaining, bitching and moaning it’s as difficult for me as it is for anyone else. The energy of those dynamics is one of powerlessness. If we’re not conscious of it, we take on the energy of those dynamics when other people display them (note that both the consciousness and the taking on of the energy is our responsibility; the so-called “energy vampires” of the world are as much a figment of one’s imagination as Twilight. No one can “take” your energy unless you’re giving them access to a vein).
At the same time, I strive to understand why these things come up for people. I was particularly thinking about this recently when I noticed myself…whining, complaining, bitching and moaning.
A lot. Oy.
When I noticed that I was doing a lot of whining, complaining, bitching and moaning, I did what I do: I practiced the courage to get curious about it, rather than write it off, try to “positively affirm” it away, or berate myself via the inner critic.
What was happening? What were my default responses? What fears arose?
Here’s what I learned. You might find that this resonates for you, too:
- I was doing those things because I was tired. Afraid. Overwhelmed. The whining, complaining, bitching and moaning, while it didn’t sound so very attractive, was coming up for a great reason: an overload of feelings and a need for an outlet.
- I am afraid of the rejection of others if I am “caught” whining, complaining, bitching or moaning. I am afraid that they will talk about me behind my back, write me off, not invite me to parties, or tell me outright while I am in the midst of those tired/scared/afraid/overwhelmed feelings, that I need to “Quit complaining!”
Because of my fear of this rejection, I was hiding those feelings.
- Every time I see someone post on Facebook or social media about how “people need to watch that negative energy they put out onto social media,” it intensifies the pressure for me to make sure that whatever I put onto social media is happy-happy-joy-joy.
- It also communicates a tacit message, to me, from the person who would post such a thing: “I don’t unconditionally accept you, as you are, even when you’re having a tough time. I don’t really want to know if you’re having a tough time. I’d prefer it if you only show the happy-happy-joy-joy parts so that nothing negative shows up in my Facebook feed.”
- This further intensifies the pressure to hide the feelings.
- When I hide those feelings, it only makes the problem worse.
Here’s how this applies to all of us:
Maybe, instead of being “bad people” who whine, bitch, moan and complain, we are actually people who are trying to handle a lot of feelings. Maybe those responses are an attempt to release an overload of those feelings.
Maybe we could give ourselves and each other a bit more gentleness with that.
Maybe we could not reject someone who is doing any of these things, but instead get curious, with them: what’s the truth of what they feel, underneath that?
Maybe we could ask each other questions in the face of this behavior, questions such as: “How can I support you, right now?”
Maybe if we did this, people wouldn’t hide those feelings.
Maybe if people didn’t hide feelings, we wouldn’t also have the phenomenon of people who suffer in silence, or who feel like they can’t be fully who they are, or who show up in their lives going through the motions.
And in a strange, paradoxical way, maybe this would even lead to fewer instances of whining, complaining, bitching and moaning.
Rejecting Vs. Accepting Vs. Rolling Over And Taking It
Our choices are not between either totally ignoring the W/C/B/M energy, or listening as a friend endlessly goes on and on about her life’s problems.
I’m saying that if your friend is going on about her life’s problems, and she knows that you’ll love her no matter what, she might just vent out what’s happening for her, feel better, and move on. Or perhaps she’s going to be more open to that moment when you say, “I’m noticing that there’s a lot going on for you, right now. It sounds intense. How can I support you in shifting it?”
It’s an accusation sometimes lobbied that “some people just like to complain.”
I disagree. Complaining doesn’t feel good in the body. People don’t consciously choose things that don’t feel good. People choose things that don’t feel good, when they don’t realize that they have other options, or they understand that they have other options but don’t understand how to choose the other option, in that moment.
There’s a wide expanse between ignoring feelings and having to “put up with” feelings. In that wide expanse, there’s room for a lot of love, care, and compassion. There’s room for listening (let’s be honest; a little listening wouldn’t hurt you. You’ll probably W/C/B/M at some point in the coming months, and a listening ear would feel nice for you at that time, wouldn’t it?).
There’s room for validating that when someone’s going through a tough time, it just feels tough–no need to push them out of that space if they aren’t ready.
There’s space for accepting that sometimes, we all hit these spaces. It’s normal. It doesn’t mean the person who is W/C/B/M is doing her life all wrong. It means she’s in a rough space. This is not the time to judge. It’s the time to love.
Making Different Choices
You might try something sort of new and radical: start creating containers for your W/C/B/M moments. Search out those friends who “get it” that when you’re upset and dealing with a lot, you need to vent it out–and give them the permission slip to stop you at X minutes into this and say, “How can I support you in shifting that?”
That lets you get the feelings out, while offering a responsible boundary for them to enact.
You might also stop judging yourself when you notice your own W/C/B/M moments, and start getting curious. Why do they happen? What’s the truth that exists underneath them?
Finally, you might also make it clear that you won’t judge others when they go into that space. You won’t post the Pinterest pins or share the Facebook status updates that indicate that if someone else experiences negative emotion (gasp!) that you’ll label them as negative people, energy vampires, or someone who is otherwise to be avoided at all costs.
What helped me out of my own whining, complaining, bitching and moaning mode? A willingness to be a friend to myself, to care enough to look deeply at what was happening with some compassion and acceptance.
Any of us can do the same. You might even start, right now.
For a life coach, personal growth geek like me, this is one of my favorite questions–we’re talking, when a client asks this question, a smile comes over my face because I’m thinking, “YES. Now we’re going to get down to the bones of the matter.”
Figuring out why it is that “knowing better” and “doing better” are not always synonymous is definitely a “revolution from within” moment.
So why is it it that if you “know better,” you don’t “do better”? Because the part that you still don’t “know” yet is not obvious to you.
Knowing & True Knowing
Here’s an example: I can “know better” than to raise my voice when I’m feeling angry with someone. And yet, over and over, I might still do it in moments of anger.
Why? I used to ask myself, fretting and feeling guilty, later. I know better than this!
There’s what I “knew” and then the other things that I had yet to “know.”
I “knew” that raising my voice during a disagreement did nothing good. That it stressed me out. That it amplified conflict. That it created scar tissue in any relationship where that happened. That it only ever made me feel guilty and sad, later.
What I didn’t yet “know”? How to stop myself. How to not react. How to stop believing the voice in my head that said, “Let them have it!” How to stop thinking that when I disagreed with someone, yelling (an attempt to gain control) was what I needed to do, so that I wouldn’t feel like a chump.
There is a vast difference between knowing the behavior changes you want to make, and seeing/knowing/understanding all of the impulses and belief systems that underlie why those behaviors exist, at all.
This is where identity systems come in.
Identity Systems: What are they, how do they work, and what are yours?
We all have what I call “identity systems”–many, operating at once, and they may recede or come forward depending on time, context, person, or circumstance.
The “identity” part refers to the fact that in the moment when it’s being played out, it’s who we think we are.
The “system” part refers to the fact that there is a whole system at work. One level, we can get really reductive and say, “It’s all about my belief systems.” At the same time, the reality is that you are always walking through the matrix of past experiences that replay in your head and inform your decision making process, current experiences and circumstances, projections into the future, how you’re treated by society based on race/class/gender/ethnicity, long-standing dynamics and patterns in relationships with others.
All of this comes together to form an “identity system.” This is one of the first concepts that I talked about with the Courageous Coaching Training Program trainees during our 2014 retreat weekend–that simply coaching from a perspective of, “Change your beliefs, and you change your life” is often not enough for our clients.
This is also what I’m trying to help people to understand with the Courageous Living Program: that an investigation of your patterns and beliefs will reveal to you all the places where you keep yourself stuck. That’s what prompts true change. Not the officious self-help magazine articles that promise that if you only adopt a “clean” diet, go to yoga every day, and meditate.
(Those are all great things to do, but there’s a sense of white-knuckling your way through all of that, until you really look at what you fear, and what we truly fear is a loss of identity any time we opt to change an identity system).
How do identity systems work?
First, understand that they are largely unconscious. Again, this is why you’ve got to find something–a program, a person to work with, a tool, a consciousness practice, something–to see where you’re operating on default, without awareness.
In my experience, whatever the “something” is that you choose to work with, it’s got to be a daily practice. I have not seen it be effective for people to only work on an identity system when the shit really hits the fan. Much like a recovery program for a chemical addiction, we’ve got to assume that the identity system (“addiction” to a certain behavior) is always there, and that we don’t only need to work on it when we “use.” We work on it when we’re not actively using, too.
Identity systems stay entrenched because:
- We don’t see them clearly or understand that they are operating.
- We don’t work on them consistently.
- When we get afraid, we justify keeping them in place.
Example: You know that yelling at someone when you’re angry isn’t what you want to do. If you don’t see the identity system that’s in place (perhaps it’s an identity system we’ll call “Gotta Be In Control,” and the internal Story is: “I’ll feel like a chump if this person insults me, and I don’t respond by yelling”), and if you aren’t working consistently on noticing all of the little ways where “Gotta Be In Control” is at work in your life, and if when you get upset with someone, you justify the old pattern by saying, “Well, I was angry–people yell when they’re angry!” then the entire system doesn’t move.
Example: If you’ve got the identity system at work of “People Pleaser,” and you’re not conscious about the habits and belief systems that underlie that identity system, you’ll just keep on people-pleasing. Without seeing clearly that the system is operating, you won’t work on it and bring consciousness to the people, places, habits, circumstances, etc., that keep the system in place. And, if you do get conscious that the system operates for you, but then you have a moment of fear (“If I don’t do this favor for her, she won’t like me”) and you respond from the place of that fear…the identity system just keeps on, keeping on.
The entire system depends on you not seeing, you not taking action, and you getting afraid so that nothing needs to change. Also, the system is not malicious. It’s wounded. It’s hurting. It’s trying to protect itself from a whole host of uncomfortable or painful experiences that it fears.
It needs compassion, patience, and love.
How Do I Recognize Mine?
Here are a few ideas:
- Make a list of all the places in your life where you feel resentment. There’s probably some kind of identity system at work.
- Make a list of all the places where you keep doing something that you’ve sworn you would stop doing. Ask yourself: What’s the underlying “need” that, while dysfunctional, wants to justify my making this choice, over and over?
- Work with a program of some kind–a meditation program, an inquiry program, the Courageous Living Program, a life coach, a therapist, a group coaching circle–something that’s ongoing and intended to be used daily and consistently.
- Ask people you trust this question: “Would you kindly but honestly share with me: What’s a pattern of thinking or behavior at work in my life, that I might not be seeing clearly?”
- Spend one week emphasizing a desire for change in a very specific area. If an identity system is at work, you’re going to want to ditch it, have resistance towards doing it, start and stop, justify only working it halfway, etc., pretty quickly.
I’ll be writing another piece in the coming weeks on different names for these identity systems. So far, I’ve shared before about the “Smart Person identity system” and the “victim identity system” (though you can really make up whatever name you like for any chronic identity systems that you notice; the names aren’t “set” by me or anyone else).