dealing with fear

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I once said in an interview:

“The more that you deal with fear, the less often fear will show up at the beginning of the journey. Instead of “I don’t even think I can start this,” it becomes, “What if I don’t finish this?” When you deal with fear, it morphs and changes how it shows up; you encounter it at a different point in the process.”

When you’re new to dealing with fear (or self-doubt, hesitation, whatever you call it), those feelings of fear can be what stops you from even starting.

Later, as you start to see that fear is full of capital-S Stories (fancy cognitive-behavioral term: “Cognitive distortions”), and as you see that really, you ultimately call the shots, how you deal with fear changes.

As you learn about your fear/self-doubt/hesitation, it suddenly does an about-face and changes. for instance, once it’s no longer stopping you at the outset, you’ll probably start to see big fear come up later in the process, perhaps after you’ve made the first significant investment towards what you want.

Then you start practicing courage with fear in its new form, but then perhaps the fear changes again–maybe it shows up as sudden doldrums and boredom. You might suddenly feel as if all the gas has left you. The resistance can be huge.

So you recognize that that resistance and loss of motivation is just more fear–so you start practicing courage with that fear. You start to parse out when it’s truly boredom because the project no longer interests you, versus when it’s the boredom-as-resistance.

How you deal with fear shape shifts and morphs. When you’re put into similar circumstances next time, it’ll move and show up at a different point in the timeline. When you encounter something wholly new and unfamiliar, maybe the fear starts right at the beginning again, at that familiar place of feeling like it’s hard to get started–and again, the more you deal with fear, the more it changes.

The good news? The more you deal with fear, the less intimidating it gets every time it shows up.

Bottom line? If you’re savvy about how fear shape shifts and morphs, then you can deal with fear when it arises. You’ve got this.

The fear will continue to show up. Just let it. Again, if you can recognize what it’s doing, then you’ve got this.

How you deal with fear will change, but as you get more and more equipped to recognize when it’s showing up, you’ll deal with fear better–and start stepping into being your most courageous self.

who would you "have to" be?

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There was a session when my coach/counselor/mentor Matthew looked at me really directly, straight in the eye, and said:

“You realize that if you embrace this kind of work, you’re stepping into a whole different way of being in the world.”

The power of that statement was full body sizzling resonance.

At at the same time, Fear said, “No. Absolutely not.”

Yes–something in me deeply wanted change.

Yes–something else in me sincerely wanted to stick with what I’d grown comfortable and accustomed to doing, even as I knew that it wasn’t serving me.

 

What No One Tells You

Here’s the thing–if you truly take it to the core, 99% of personal growth work absolutely sucks.

It’s not uncommon for me to be on the phone with a client who clearly articulates what she wants–and then as soon as we start to really dismantle the old belief structure, she’s angry. Pissed. She’s either turning her fear inward, or she’s projecting it outward (sometimes, onto me).

When clients are in that space, I get it. We’re just human, and at the end of the day, we prefer our routines over something new. Do enough deep personal growth work–go full-on with courage–and you’ll eventually get cornered.

There won’t be anywhere to hide out when you’re into the truth-truth-truth.

 

The Question We Fear

There’s a question that we fear asking, buried in all of this:

“Who would you ‘have to’ be in order to step into living the kind of courageous life that you actually want to live?”

It’s a potentially terrifying question if you have a long-standing way of being, and a lot of belief systems that you’re incapable, and suddenly you’re contemplating this idea that you actually can–and have no idea who that person is who “can,” or what her life is like.

Also, change is hard and you might have good reasons for doing all that you’ve spent years doing. For example:

Are you a Yeller? Well, then–you probably have some great reasons for yelling. You want to stop yelling, but–what would you put in its place? How else would you handle anger when it courses through your veins?

Are you an Avoider? You also have great reasons for Avoiding, reasons that have to do with how you survived your childhood, or how you make it through your job or your marriage, how you handle stress or fear. You can know that you want to change it–but until you know what you’ll replace it with, until you know who you would “have to” be and are comfortable with that, it’s hard to give up Avoiding and become pro-active.

When Matthew told me that I’d walk the world differently, here’s who I was afraid I would “have to” be if I stepped up my game:

a.) perfect,
b.) chipper,
c.) cheerful,
d.) having all the answers,
e.) someone who would be made fun of because she was “too happy”,
f.) someone who would be isolated from others because they’d be intimidated by her happiness.

I believed that I would “have to” become a walking posterboard for empowerment and holding space and always being 100% being nice. I was intimidated by that vision.

The way it actually turned out was that courageous living wasn’t going to be perfectionism. It was going to be integration and acceptance of all the parts that weren’t perfect.

So Ask Yourself

One of the reasons that we don’t make the shifts that we know we need to make is because our behavior is habituated and we don’t know what habits we’d replace the old stuff with.

Your most courageous self knows who you’d be if you stepped up your game. That’s part of what’s so intimidating. Swap “have to” for “get to” and there’s an even more exciting question:

Who would you get to be if you lived a full-on courageous life?

Yes, that’s the question that sparks movements, innovates industries, and brings leaders into the limelight–but more importantly, that’s a question that can be life-changing for the likes of you and me, the ordinary women who are living our lives, wanting good things for the people we love, and hoping that we can impact our small corners of the world.

Who would you get to be if you lived a full-on courageous life? That’s what you get to decide.

25 courageous ways to make your life (even) better

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1. For one week, take a different route to get everywhere that you go. Why? Because you might see something that surprises you, learn something that takes your breath away, run into the love of your life, meet your new best friend, or otherwise find life more interesting.

2. Buy dinner for the table next to you at a restaurant. Leave before they find out what you’ve done. Someone did this for my husband and I when we were in the midst of mega wedding-planning stress and we’ve never forgotten it.

3. Draw stick-figure cartoons of your angry boss (or whomever you’re having conflict with at the moment) bowing down before you and apologizing.

4. Whenever you order a latte and they ask your name so that they can call out your order, tell the barista to call you by your superhero name (so if you’re ever at a Peet’s and hear the barista say “Small, single-shot, coconut milk latte for Kate Courageous!” then you’ll know that I’m nearby).

5. If you don’t already have one, come up with a superhero name.

6. Find a phone book (they have them at libraries, if you no longer receive one). Close your eyes and put your finger down in five different places. Send cards to all of those addresses that contain loving affirmations.

7. Carry stickers in your purse and give them to children who are melting down while everyone’s waiting in the line at the grocery store.

8. Play the “May I Speak With the Manager?” game. It goes like this: you receive incredible service, and you note the person’s name. When you’re about ready to leave, you ask to see the manager. Everyone in the vicinity will tense up, assuming that you’re going to complain. The manager will come over with a tight face, bracing herself for what’s to come. And then you—you!—break into a huge smile and gush about how awesome everyone’s doing, how much you appreciate them, and what a difference they’ve made in your day. Trust me, this one is the winner.

9. Plan out the entire trip that you’ve been longing to take. Print out the itinerary, book the flight all the way up to the “buy” button, highlight the dates on your calendar as if they are blocked off.

10. Read up on existentialism.

11. Surprise your spouse/partner/special person at work with their favorite latte.

12. Wear an adhesive moustache for one hour, out in public, and pretend not to know what people are finding so funny.

13. Answer the question: “If I knew that starting next calendar year I’d be gifted $100,000 for paying my basic living expenses and executing a project of my choosing, what would I do?” No paying off debts with this money.

14. Create your own personal mantra. (A few of mine, if you’re inclined to share: “If you want it badly enough, you’ll find a way to get it” and “What would love do?” and “What’s the path of ease?”).

15. If you don’t have kids, offer to baby-sit for someone who does, for free and without their asking. If you do have kids, directly request (via Facebook or other means) free babysitters.

16. Choose a wall in your house that is for writing on.

17. Own at least one thing that has a bad word written on it.

18. Get involved in a social cause. Sign up for the email newsletter if you can’t donate money, and actually read the newsletters. Tell one person you meet a statistic or fact related to the cause you’d like to change. Use less plastic, eat less meat, give the money to the person asking for change without first assessing whether or not they “deserve” it, make eye contact with people who identify with different cultural groups.

19. Create a custom keychain. Like this and this.

20. Intensively seek to understand all of your associations with the word “power.” Understand when it’s mis-used; understand when it’s used properly; understand how you view it in yourself and how much access you feel you have to it; understand how others who have less of it view themselves and how much access they have to it, relative to others.

21. Learn how to make a food dish that you’ve always wanted to make: warm scones; paella; tiramisu.

22. Take a digital sabbatical from email and social media.

23. Buy a canvas and make bad art. Commit to painting over it and creating new art on that same canvas, ten times.

24. Scream your frustration into a pillow, followed by turning on the most irreverent music you can think of and dancing wildly and without reason.

25. Connection is why we’re here, so spend a week being as connected as possible to every molecule of the planet—whatever that means to you. The very act of defining what that means to you will up your joy factor like crazy.