Originally, this piece was going to be offered exclusively to the Courageous Coaching Training Program participants, but the feeling behind it became more expansive (and grew into being a full-fledged audio). Download the audio, hit play–and lather, rinse, repeat as necessary)
I know this, like I know nothing else: if you want it badly enough, you’ll find a way to get it.
Of course, this does apply to getting “things,” but there’s more, here. If you want it badly enough, you’ll find a way to…to be it. To embody it. To feel it. To make it a lifestyle. To touch it. To hold it. To breathe it.
If you want it badly enough, there’s some way–and it might look different for you, than it does for everyone else, but there is some way–for you to get it.
Furthermore, there’s some way for you to get what you want that feels…good.
Enlivening. Perhaps even natural or easy.
People mis-characterize statements such as “If you want it badly enough, there’s some way to get it.” They assume that this will mean that a bunch of narcissists will start trampling on everyone else in a bid for their own self-interests.
That’s not the way of the courageous warrior. If the price of winning your heart’s desires is trampling everyone else along the way, that’s not truly winning.
The fear that you’ll turn into someone awful in the pursuit of creating the life you desire is the fear that limits you. It holds you back. This fear is an illusion that keeps you from those desires.
I’m telling you, because this is truth: if you want it badly enough, you’ll find a way to get it. You’ll find your way. You’ll find the way that is in harmony with your inner guidance, the people you love, the environment and sustainability, and your finances. You’ll find the way that, true, might not make everyone else happy because you can’t please everyone, but you will find the way that brings your desires to fruition while practicing love, compassion, and total integrity.
If you want it badly enough, you’ll find a way to get it.
Maybe at first, when you look at what you’ll need to do to get to where you want to go, you’ll think, “No way.” It’ll be new and unfamiliar, and fear will be calling the shots in that moment.
Courage emerges when you take a deep breath, let it be okay that the fear exists, and say, “Okay. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I only know that I’m going to. I want it badly enough. If I want it badly enough, there’s some way to get to what I desire.”
If you want it badly enough, you’ll find a way to get it–hold this as an anchoring statement in your life, and you’ll find that new ideas come to you, you meet the people you were destined to meet, and something that initially seemed like a setback will turn out to be the very best thing that could have happened.
You won’t have to force yourself to believe this–you’ll truly see that it’s true. You’ll truly see that because you had the courage to follow your desires, to make what matters most a priority in your life, and to refuse to give up on what you want even if it’s slow in coming, things start to shift and change.
It won’t be the so-called “Law of Attraction.” It won’t be your zodiac sign. It won’t be anything other than the sheer beauty of you, standing in all your courageous power, holding the simple conviction that your desires are your birthright, they are worthy, they will bring good to the world. The fear stops being, “What if this doesn’t happen?” and starts being the exciting fear of realization that if you want it badly enough, you will find a way to get it–and having figured out that way, you’ll see the sheer force of your unstoppable nature.
If you want it badly enough, you’ll find a way to get it.
So now I ask you: What do you want for yourself, more than anything?
I recently posted this to the Your Courageous Life Facebook community: “How you relate to your fear teaches you where you stop short of showing others your love.”
A few lovelies in the community said: “Tell me more about that!” and naturally, I aim to please.
Fear is not a comfortable experience for anyone (anyone I’ve ever met, anyway). In dealing with that discomfort, we all relate to our fear in different ways.
- Some of us hate it and want to tell it to fuck off.
- Some of us knuckle under to it, feeling controlled by it, while resenting that it exists.
- Some of us avoid it as much as possible through every imaginable avenue of denial, pretending not to experience it while immersing oneself in every possible distraction.
There are other options for how to relate to fear. The point is that there are parallels, here. How we treat the experience of fear itself, when it arises in the body and when the Stories crop up in our thought processes, mirrors how we react to the people we love.
In that way, how you relate to your fear shows you where you stop short of showing others your love.
Creating Better Relationships
If you sincerely desire to create more loving relationships in your life, more connection, more happiness and fulfillment, then look at what gets in the way: fear.
Then look at what you put in the way, yourself: your response to fear.
Fear arises naturally, when confronted with challenges and situations that feel new or vulnerable. What you do with it becomes your experience of life.
If I want to love my husband, sister, partner, brother, mother, boss, co-worker, neighbor or the guy who just cut me off in traffic, it would do me well to see where I draw the line with being willing to love my fear. Wherever I’m unwilling to love the parts of me that are hard to be with, I’m drawing a line and saying, “I’m unwilling to love the parts of YOU that are harder to be with.”
Love Your Fear
Love your fear, Kate? you might be thinking. That sounds crazy!
Well, let’s get a little crazy. Love your fear. It certainly could use it, couldn’t it? Is there any part of you that needs more love, than that? Have you ever seen a detriment to offering love and compassion to anything or anyone in the world that is sorely in need of it?
By the way, we don’t need to confuse love with “do whatever the other person wants, even when it doesn’t feel right, to me.”
- You can love your fear, without doing what it says.
- You can love your relatives or in-laws or ex-husband, without agreeing with what they do.
- You can love people of the opposite political persuasion, without voting for them.
- You can love anyone in the world, while also making the choice to limit contact with them and not choose to be in the same room with them.
The practice of love and and the decision to agree or disagree, or to take a particular course of action, is not inherently linked.
This, by the way, is incredible courage: to know yourself well enough to say, “I’m going to prioritize what matters most to me, while also giving you a healthy ‘no.’ ”
Click to tweet: Fear is actually the call to love bigger, not to shrink within. http://ctt.ec/vZaqc
Fear-Courage Connection Exercise
I call this the “fear-courage connection to everything you want in life” because whether you’re going for the tangible or intangible, how you react to fear dictates what choices you make and how smoothly getting what you want in life actually goes.
So ask yourself: What is something I’ve long wanted in my life, that has long eluded me?
Then ask yourself: What are my habitual reactions to fear?
Now connect the dots: Is there a relationship between how I treat my fear, and where I stop short of really finding my way to this thing that I’ve long desired?
Finally, ask yourself one more question: What would courage choose?
(This is a double-sided question, really. You’re really asking, “What would love choose?”).
Your fear doesn’t have to go away, or not exist, for you to make this connection and step into more of everything you want in your life. You can drop whatever energy has been exhausting you–because boy, does avoiding fear, or hating fear, or distracting from fear become exhausting.
The practice of courage doesn’t start on the day when your fear is long gone. It starts now. Today. Whenever you want it. Dive in.
“I’m sick of listening to her bitch and moan.”
“I’m trying not to whine about this, but…”
“Quit complaining! Be grateful!”
So first, there’s that. That’s on the front lines. We’re all striving to avoid this.
I’ll be honest: when I’m around someone who is chronically whining, complaining, bitching and moaning it’s as difficult for me as it is for anyone else. The energy of those dynamics is one of powerlessness. If we’re not conscious of it, we take on the energy of those dynamics when other people display them (note that both the consciousness and the taking on of the energy is our responsibility; the so-called “energy vampires” of the world are as much a figment of one’s imagination as Twilight. No one can “take” your energy unless you’re giving them access to a vein).
At the same time, I strive to understand why these things come up for people. I was particularly thinking about this recently when I noticed myself…whining, complaining, bitching and moaning.
A lot. Oy.
When I noticed that I was doing a lot of whining, complaining, bitching and moaning, I did what I do: I practiced the courage to get curious about it, rather than write it off, try to “positively affirm” it away, or berate myself via the inner critic.
What was happening? What were my default responses? What fears arose?
Here’s what I learned. You might find that this resonates for you, too:
- I was doing those things because I was tired. Afraid. Overwhelmed. The whining, complaining, bitching and moaning, while it didn’t sound so very attractive, was coming up for a great reason: an overload of feelings and a need for an outlet.
- I am afraid of the rejection of others if I am “caught” whining, complaining, bitching or moaning. I am afraid that they will talk about me behind my back, write me off, not invite me to parties, or tell me outright while I am in the midst of those tired/scared/afraid/overwhelmed feelings, that I need to “Quit complaining!”
Because of my fear of this rejection, I was hiding those feelings.
- Every time I see someone post on Facebook or social media about how “people need to watch that negative energy they put out onto social media,” it intensifies the pressure for me to make sure that whatever I put onto social media is happy-happy-joy-joy.
- It also communicates a tacit message, to me, from the person who would post such a thing: “I don’t unconditionally accept you, as you are, even when you’re having a tough time. I don’t really want to know if you’re having a tough time. I’d prefer it if you only show the happy-happy-joy-joy parts so that nothing negative shows up in my Facebook feed.”
- This further intensifies the pressure to hide the feelings.
- When I hide those feelings, it only makes the problem worse.
Here’s how this applies to all of us:
Maybe, instead of being “bad people” who whine, bitch, moan and complain, we are actually people who are trying to handle a lot of feelings. Maybe those responses are an attempt to release an overload of those feelings.
Maybe we could give ourselves and each other a bit more gentleness with that.
Maybe we could not reject someone who is doing any of these things, but instead get curious, with them: what’s the truth of what they feel, underneath that?
Maybe we could ask each other questions in the face of this behavior, questions such as: “How can I support you, right now?”
Maybe if we did this, people wouldn’t hide those feelings.
Maybe if people didn’t hide feelings, we wouldn’t also have the phenomenon of people who suffer in silence, or who feel like they can’t be fully who they are, or who show up in their lives going through the motions.
And in a strange, paradoxical way, maybe this would even lead to fewer instances of whining, complaining, bitching and moaning.
Rejecting Vs. Accepting Vs. Rolling Over And Taking It
Our choices are not between either totally ignoring the W/C/B/M energy, or listening as a friend endlessly goes on and on about her life’s problems.
I’m saying that if your friend is going on about her life’s problems, and she knows that you’ll love her no matter what, she might just vent out what’s happening for her, feel better, and move on. Or perhaps she’s going to be more open to that moment when you say, “I’m noticing that there’s a lot going on for you, right now. It sounds intense. How can I support you in shifting it?”
It’s an accusation sometimes lobbied that “some people just like to complain.”
I disagree. Complaining doesn’t feel good in the body. People don’t consciously choose things that don’t feel good. People choose things that don’t feel good, when they don’t realize that they have other options, or they understand that they have other options but don’t understand how to choose the other option, in that moment.
There’s a wide expanse between ignoring feelings and having to “put up with” feelings. In that wide expanse, there’s room for a lot of love, care, and compassion. There’s room for listening (let’s be honest; a little listening wouldn’t hurt you. You’ll probably W/C/B/M at some point in the coming months, and a listening ear would feel nice for you at that time, wouldn’t it?).
There’s room for validating that when someone’s going through a tough time, it just feels tough–no need to push them out of that space if they aren’t ready.
There’s space for accepting that sometimes, we all hit these spaces. It’s normal. It doesn’t mean the person who is W/C/B/M is doing her life all wrong. It means she’s in a rough space. This is not the time to judge. It’s the time to love.
Making Different Choices
You might try something sort of new and radical: start creating containers for your W/C/B/M moments. Search out those friends who “get it” that when you’re upset and dealing with a lot, you need to vent it out–and give them the permission slip to stop you at X minutes into this and say, “How can I support you in shifting that?”
That lets you get the feelings out, while offering a responsible boundary for them to enact.
You might also stop judging yourself when you notice your own W/C/B/M moments, and start getting curious. Why do they happen? What’s the truth that exists underneath them?
Finally, you might also make it clear that you won’t judge others when they go into that space. You won’t post the Pinterest pins or share the Facebook status updates that indicate that if someone else experiences negative emotion (gasp!) that you’ll label them as negative people, energy vampires, or someone who is otherwise to be avoided at all costs.
What helped me out of my own whining, complaining, bitching and moaning mode? A willingness to be a friend to myself, to care enough to look deeply at what was happening with some compassion and acceptance.
Any of us can do the same. You might even start, right now.