I was talking to my friend Margo about a chronic issue that spanned more than a few of my life categories.
She said to me–simply, plainly, without judgment–
“You always complain about this.”
The shock of her words was somatic. I experienced them in every cell of my being.
My default response to anyone’s frank feedback used to be: “How dare this person say that! Why would this person say that to me? This is their crap, not mine. I’m so hurt that they would say that, so they must be the mean one, here!”
Luckily, I’ve orbited the sun enough times to understand that what I feel as a default response is not always the full truth of a situation.
I took a deep breath. What do I know of Margo? That she is an incredibly loving champion of her friends. She lavishes praise when it’s due. She’ll go the extra mile to support someone, to let them know that she utterly cherishes them.
Sure, she could have phrased it differently. She could have just let me vent.
She was choosing, instead, to do something that we’ve created enough safety in our friendship to have: truth-telling that helps one another move past delusion.
What Kind of Friend Are You?
I see this all of the time, especially with business: People simply don’t want to tell a friend the “truth.”
They want to “support” the friend. They want to tell the friend to go after their dreams. The friend calls to say how excited they are that they’re going to start a new product line or quit a job, and the people around them go– “Good for you! That’s so awesome! The world needs this; it’s about time! I’m so happy for you!”
People do this because they believe in the friend and–let’s just be honest–they want to be seen as supportive.
I think this approach to “being supportive” is catastrophically fucked, for the person who is assuming the risk.
Because most people who use the cheerleading of friends to help them bypass internal doubt and hesitation, end up paying for it–there’s more struggle.
True “support” is the friend who reflects back honestly what they see (and true adulthood would be the receiver’s willingness to take what they like, and leave the rest).
With entrepreneurship, some people are incredibly lucky and all turns out as they had hoped when they decide to “leap, and the net will appear.” For the vast majority? Nope. It’s a recipe for Business Heartbreak. There is added (and possibly unnecessary) struggle.
The net will appear, but it will take far more than those initial pom-pom cheers to make it happen. Most friends don’t want to be labeled as unsupportive, so they don’t point that out. They don’t ask questions. They don’t bring up possible challenges.
Those years of struggle? Valuable. Every experience has something to teach us.
At the same time, I say: “Give me the friends who will tell me the truth, and tell it clean–and please, God, give me the strength to be open to hearing it, without deflection.”
“Handling” the Truth
Instead of “Just go for it!” someone might be better supported by hearing…
“I love you–and–have you considered this other approach?”
“Hmmm. I know you’re really excited about this, and yet I don’t know that that’s such a great idea. Here’s why I’m thinking that.”
“I worry about ________ happening if you do that. I’m wondering if you’ve tried…? Have you already thought about…?”
But, caveat emptor! You will encounter wrath from some people, if you do this.
Most people do not choose to be willing to “handle” the truth.
Most people simply cast off anyone who doesn’t rally to their cause and tell them how awesome they are.
Most people who do this, don’t realize that they are doing this. They shut down anyone who offers a critical perspective or a counter-argument, or they withdraw from them. They deflect.
They might even go to all of the “You’re so awesome!” friends, and bitch about the person who didn’t tell them they were awesome.
This was a huge dynamic in my friendships in my 20s. I seemed to chronically align myself with people who didn’t want anything other than validation of their choices, and who struggled to tell me the truth if they were upset with me.
I can see how we all need validation for our choices. I also can see how having a friend who cares enough to propose alternatives, ask critical questions, and try to get to the bottom of the truth, is invaluable.
Margo knows that she has this permission in our friendship. I’ve directly asked that she always tell me the truth.
Most importantly? I back that up by not making her the Bad Guy, when she does.
Take a deep breath, and ask yourself: Have you set up your friendships in such a way that the door is open for your friends to offer their feedback, and you’re willing to receive it and decide what you want to do with it–without making them wrong?
What usually arises when someone doesn’t want to “handle” the truth is deflection. I’m guessing you’ve seen this in your life, too.
Someone asks you straight up for advice, and then when you give your take on it, they get upset: “I just wanted someone to hear me out!”
Someone talks to you about a problem in their life, and then they get upset with you. “It’s not what you’re saying, it’s the WAY you’re saying it,” they say.
Sometimes it’s true–we get mixed up. We ask for advice when we want hugs; the people we talk to get on a power trip and deliver criticism harshly, instead of kindly.
But how often is it the opposite? How often is it that someone who genuinely loves you and wants to help might be trying to offer you an incredible gift–one that you’re resistant to hearing–and you reject it?
Don’t Support My Delusion
In my 20s, I grew tired of the dynamic of not being able to tell my friends the truth of what I saw. I grew tired of suspecting that I wasn’t getting the full truth from them. Those were friendships that simply could not last. Any foundation built on lies (including the dishonesty of keeping silence) cannot last.
And when did the truths in those friendships finally come out? At the end, when we were saying good-bye. The truth was (finally) revealed, but by then there was no willingness to work on changing anything.
I remember thinking, “If you’d talked to me about that thing I did two years ago, maybe I could have apologized or done something differently–but now I only half-remember what you’re saying I did that’s the cause of all of this drama. How could we have ever fixed this, under such circumstances?”
It astonishes me how often I hear women talking about other women, bad-mouthing friends for things that the other party probably has no idea they’re even doing, setting up the situation so that change is impossible.
“What does she say when you try talking to her about it?”
Cue uncomfortable silence. Sentences that are started and re-started. The admission that no attempt to talk has been made.
What in the world are we doing to one another?
The icy shock of Margo’s words were hard to hear, but as I considered the last five conversations I could remember, there was something even more shocking:
She was telling the truth. I had been complaining.
After that, I became so acutely aware of that complaining dynamic, that the problem I’d struggled with actually started to shift and become better.
That’s what being “supportive” really looks like: someone who cares enough to tell you the truth, trusting that you are adult enough to decide what you want to do with it.
The next time you’re inspired and someone reminds you that the road might be hard, don’t cast them off as a “wet blanket” who “doesn’t support” you.
The next time someone offers you feedback about how you show up, hold the space that yes, this is their experience, and also–they might be right. Their feedback might be vitally important.
The next time anything unpalatable arises, be willing to look at the truth it might be trying to teach you.
“The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”
~ Rumi ~
You’re probably like I was: you’ve already heard about all the amazing benefits that a regular meditation practice can bring into your life.
This isn’t just New Age woo (and hey, I’m a fan of the woo)–there are actual, clinical, documented benefits to regular meditation.
So why don’t you meditate regularly? Probably for the same reasons as anyone else.
Perhaps…You’ve tried it, and feel…antsy, like you can’t sit still. Or perhaps you’ve tried to make it a regular habit, but the day just gets so crammed and crowded. Perhaps you feel like you’re not doing it right, or like meditation has to belong to a religion.
How can something so seemingly simple seem so…hard?
Why It Doesn’t Work For You.
Meditation is a lot of things. Most people have heard a set of rules for how you’re “supposed to” meditate.
Confession? I’ve now spent more than a decade learning about this, and–I don’t think that there is one set presence practice that works for all people, all of the time. Astonishingly, this is a controversial opinion among some people who practice meditation–they see this alternative forms of meditation as a resistance against their “true” meditation.
The first time I ever tried to meditate was with a meditation group, in college. They showed me the way I was supposed to sit, to hold my hands, and told me what I was supposed to focus on (my breath, of course–and to keep focusing on the breath to avoid thinking).
That was the longest twenty minutes of my life.
I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin.
Years later, I knew that I needed the benefits of calm and ease that everyone swore meditation would provide, yet I also knew–for absolute certain!–that I didn’t want to EVER feel the crazy, itchy, “crawl out of your skin” feelings that I felt on that meditation cushion.
So I tried something different–it started with music and a candle flickering. It became my nightly habit.
Many years later, when I was actually practicing a form of meditation from the Soto Zen tradition on my weekly visits to the local monastery, I would come to understand a few radical concepts.
RADICAL CONCEPT #1: There is not just “one” way to meditate that works for all people. Some people need to find their way.
Anyone who tries to make you feel like you’re doing it “wrong” probably needs to concentrate more on their own practice, instead of directing their attention on judging others.
RADICAL CONCEPT #2: Most people can’t go from our modern-day 100mph lifestyle to 0mph on the meditation cushion (and most people, by the way, don’t have a meditation cushion, and you don’t need one in order to meditate!).
It’s OKAY to practice interim styles of meditation that aren’t as fixed as formal meditation, and you can even get many of the same benefits.
RADICAL CONCEPT #3: Meditation is meant to be a communal act. This doesn’t mean it has to happen in groups, but it does mean that your meditation practice will flourish the most when you’re interacting with others who are also meditating. There’s a level of support and interconnectedness that arises that truly seems to be one of the most important keys for making a regular practice of meditation successful.
RADICAL CONCEPT #4: Meditation doesn’t need to happen for hours every day. Meditation in even small increments actually does provide benefits.
Click here to be one of the first people to learn about how you can establish a regular, 5 to 15-minute meditation practice.
I’ll finish this up by sharing that a few years ago, I had an experience where I was trying to share my love of meditation with all the best of intentions, and I was publicly criticized for doing so. It was an experience that, at first, embarrassed (okay, humiliated!) me, and later ended up being one I learned a lot from–particularly, I learned to clarify for myself what this practice means to me.
At the end of the day, presence practices are designed for us to come into more love, connection, and community with ourselves, at our core.
If you truly want to know who you are, try getting quiet with yourself, sometime. I promise, you’ll learn everything that is important to know.
My new phrase: sensuous delight
1. perceived by or affecting the senses
2. readily affected through the senses
3. of or pertaining to sensible objects or to the senses
1. a high degree of pleasure or enjoyment; joy; rapture.
2. something that gives great pleasure.
verb (used with object)
3. to give great pleasure, satisfaction, or enjoyment to; please highly.
verb (used without object)
4. to have great pleasure; take pleasure (followed by in or an infinitive).
* * *
Words like “take time to reflect” or “recharge yourself” are so over-used as to be over-worn, but nonetheless, this was what I knew my life was calling for me to do–and even though I’m someone who feels well-versed in the idea of rooting in how I want to feel, and using that to guide my life and my choices, I knew that I wanted nothing more than some time spent with tea and The Desire Map.
I already knew that my highest life value is that of freedom. I already knew that as I walk through my day-to-day, I wish to feel inspired, connected, affluent, and useful.
But at the same time that I was working through The Desire Map, I realized that there was something else to add to the list:
Mmmmm-hmmm. That means everything you’re thinking it means (and more).
* * *
It appeared like this: I came home after a long day and found Marie Antoinette (the Sophia Coppola version) was on television.
It was already towards the end, when Marie’s really vamping it up with feather plumes in her hair, and the cinematography is so lavish that one can feel the luxury.
I found myself riveted, delighted by the color, the scale, the camera perspectives, the lines, the music, all of it so…sensuous. I had been tired from the long day, but watching what remained of the movie, I felt more awake, more fully-alive.
The phrase came to me, quite suddenly: sensuous delight.
Yes! To delight in the senses.
“In my life, I cultivate sensuous delight! This is a core desired feeling!” I thought.
* * *
During my first year of graduate school, I often felt profoundly depressed. Then one Sunday, I decided that I would put on the movie, Amelie. While it was playing, I made cookies.
How soothed I felt–so much so that for the next few months, I would do it again, every Sunday: turn on Amelie, and make cookies. I’d eat three or four of the cookies, and then pack the rest up to give away, and for a little while each week, I felt okay, again.
I had never understood why this ritual was so soothing, until this recent phrase, “sensuous delight” came to me.
Sensuous delight is…the smell of cookies baking. The colors of Amelie, the richness as she walks the blind man through the busy Montmartre shops, describing to him the everyday simplicity of ice-cream and small children. The very sound of spoken French.
Is sensuous delight what’s missing from your life?
* * *
Now I understand.
Now I see…
…why I find conjugating Italian verbs, out loud, to be so relaxing.
…why, in high school, one of the most spiritual experiences of my life was playing cello in a performance of Schubert’s “Unfinished” Symphony–if you have never had the experience of actually sitting amid the stir and vitally-alive vibrations of an orchestra executing a beautiful piece of music, I highly recommend it.
…how it is that one of the things that I love most about running is the sweat, the way it beads across my forehead or slips down the small of my back, and how much I love the way I feel after a run, face-flushed, all systems returning to normal, again.
…why it is that my soul has never felt more at home than it has in exactly two places: Italy, especially in and around Florence, and where I live and love now: Sonoma Valley wine country. (Want to see what I’m talking about? Google “Sonoma Valley Sunsets” and turn on the “images” search feature!).
…how vinyasa flow appeals to me so much because it is like a moving prayer.
…why I won’t tolerate an ill-fitting pair of shoes (or any other uncomfortable article of clothing) in the name of fashion. If I’m not feeling comfortable, I don’t care how good it looks–I need the sensuous delight of walking into a room and feeling good in my own skin.
And speaking of fashion, now I understand why it is that the thought came to me, “These essential oils make every outfit feel complete,” something I dismissed as a bit of an oddball musing, at the time.
Living from the place of sensuous delight–why, of *course* the essential oils make every outfit feel complete.
Of course, we are living in sensory worlds–cultivating sensuous delight is about how much we stop to appreciate them.