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“It seems like most life coaches are running around thinking they know how people should be living their lives,” they said.
And together, now friends, we rolled our eyes at the marketing that creates this mis-perception.
Life Coach Confesses: She Doesn’t “Know”
Look, even I admit that I dispense a lot. I speak from my experience and the experience of thousands of hours of interaction with people. I’m declarative, and some interpret that as authoritative.
Nonetheless, I don’t presume to know what you “should” be doing with your life.
I couldn’t know what the “right” choices are, for anyone else. I endeavor to practice love, no matter what people’s choices are, which means accepting that none of us can “know” with any certainty.
Sometimes, I fail miserably at practicing love in the way I’ve worked it out in my head. Even I, the life coach, has some conception of an ideal in mind and she falls short.
The only experience I ever want to offer, is holding space for what your experience is.
And perhaps the only thing I’ve ever wanted to say in any really definitive way is that when we hide out from who we truly are, we sell our lives short.
Cut the bullshit and go all the way in; tell the truth about who you actually are, I want to say.
I’m always reminding people: just because I understand how fear works, doesn’t mean that I no longer experience it.
Also, trying to never experience fear is a huge waste of time.
It’s because of those two truths that I can tell you that I’m training for… a half-Ironman.
1.2 mile swim, 56 miles on the bike, and then a half-marathon (13.1 miles of running).
Oh, and–I’m totally afraid.
What Fear Says To The Courage Expert
You’re not an athlete.
You’ll just get injured.
You hate swimming; why bother?
You’re probably going to get injured.
You’re the slowest swimmer in master’s swim class.
You’re the slowest cyclist on group rides.
You haven’t even put the clip pedals on your bike, yet.
It’s not like you’re a real triathlete.
You HATE swimming, and it’s cold, so why bother?
You don’t even know how to change a bike tire.
Why do you keep getting cold in the pool? No one else gets cold.
Oh, and–you’re probably going to get injured.
Swap any of those out for your own Big Life Thing–writing a book, changing careers, deciding to have another baby, selling everything you own and traveling, no longer people pleasing.
The voices will be some variation of Why bother? You’re not good at this, anyway; It won’t be worth the work; You’ll look foolish.
The idea of “fearless” is bullshit. Courage isn’t the elimination of fear. It’s the integration of fear. It’s the integration of feeling fear, diving in anyway, and transforming.
If you’re afraid, you’re actually…normal. (If you hang out on Instagram, find me at @katecourageous . I routinely use the hashtag, #courageousnotfearless).
Ideas That Haggle
How do you know the signs to keep going, despite the voices of fear that you can’t or that there’s no point? You keep going when an idea haggles at you and just won’t quit.
“Ideas ‘haggle’ at you, Kate? What’s that?”
When an idea is haggling at you, things like this happen:
– You want to write a book, and then out of nowhere your co-worker mentions that she’s decided she wants to write a book. Then you see something on TV about someone who writes a book. Then you read an interview with a writer who says that she wanted to write a book for a whole decade before she finally did, and something in you thinks, “Huh, this published writer who’s getting all of this attention–she wanted it for a long time, just like me?”
– You want to change careers, and someone brings up their cousin who is running a career change workshop. You keep thinking about it. You look at the date when the workshop is being held on your calendar, and you keep resisting scheduling an appointment on that date. For some reason, every single time you look at that particular Saturday, you’re thinking of that workshop.
– You want to stop people pleasing–you’ve read a book about it or talked it through with your therapist or coach. And suddenly, all around you, people are more demanding than EVER before. It’s driving you nuts, because you had hoped to have just a few casual opportunities to practice saying “No” as a complete sentence, and now they are everywhere. Then the thought occurs to you that maybe, this isn’t an accident. Maybe this is the call to rise.
So in other words, whether it’s a desire to do a thing (like write a book), or change your life’s circumstances (like changing careers), or embrace a new way of being (like no longer people-pleasing), things will keep popping up in your life, reminding you of this thing that you want.
Also, if you’ve always wanted to do a triathlon but told yourself that you can’t, and then this post is popping up in your inbox or a Facebook feed, consider that your sign.
When You Aren’t Sure You Can
I am moving forward on this, even though I’m not sure that I can. I get sore from a training session and worry that I’ll get injured. I think about how much more work there is to do, and wonder how I’ll ever get there.
Not being sure that you can, is no reason not to.
Not being sure that you can, might be THE reason why it’s a really great idea.
Speaking of Instagram, that’s the place to go for workout pics with little updates on my progress: Instagram.com/katecourageous.
In my 20s I had the habit of “making changes.” I’d decide on some self-improvement kind of a project: organize the closet, eat nothing but macronutrients, yoga and meditation every day, 30 days of XYZ Online Course, hitting up the self-help aisle at the bookstore to see what was new.
I’d get my groove on with any of those, and then within a few days or maybe two weeks at most, it would fizzle out.
Those projects would fizzle out because of my “why.”
There’s plenty of great advice for how to make a change and stick with it, but here’s where my money is:
When you’re trying to make a change, know why you’re doing it.
Like, really know why you’re doing it.
Know why you’re doing it, down to your bones.
Personal Growth Project
Back then, my efforts to change failed because my “why” was perfectionism, or weight loss and my hopes for living a better life because I had smaller thighs, or wanting to emulate someone I thought had it all together, or feeling a low-grade, underlying anxiety, and wanting something to change.
Mostly, though, personal growth projects were a great distraction from actually dealing with my stuff.
Before I go further, I should clarify: Particularly if you’re walking through one of life’s valleys, it’s great to get your priest, intuitive healer, naturopath, chiropractor, therapist or life coach on speed dial. Go ahead: spend your evenings grabbing an aloe vera juice with your yoga friends and your weekends Kondo’ing your closets.
When the kale chips are down, you need all of your resources. Bring on the fucking chlorella tablets and beet juice; there ain’t no shame.
But then, there’s making your life into a Personal Growth Project. The signs :
- Most of the work is pushing yourself to be more positive and uplifting, to the exclusion of dealing with the shadowy stuff.
- You’re not following all the way through; you bounce around. First you’re into meditation, then you’re into active consciousness, a month later you’re convinced that heading to Bali is your dharma. Your life could be described annually as “that year I was really into…the Law of Attraction, or colonics, or cross-fit and Paleo…”
- Or, instead of bouncing around, you try to do All The Stuff—-meditation and active consciousness and cross-fit and paleo and Bali and colonics and the Law of Attraction and meditation and yoga and green smoothies and…
- You can’t go out to eat anywhere, because food has become such a land mine; you could find a problem with the options available at a salad bar.
- Shit has gotten complicated—and we’re not talking about trying to find a reasonable existential response to “Why are we here?” When your life has become one big Personal Growth Project, it’s literally like managing a project—-there’s a schedule, there’s a lot to buy, and you’re trying to shut down your responses (“I will not think negative thoughts. I will not think negative thoughts. Wait. If I’m thinking about not thinking negative thoughts, is that a negative thought?”).
- If you get honest with yourself—really and truly—you’d admit that you feel like you’re playing a role.
- You’re spending more time/money/resources, year after year after year, on yourself than you are on helping anyone else. The good kind of self-help starts with you healing you, and the good feelings start motivating you to help others. Personal Growth Projects, by contrast, are self-involved.
- You’re spending too much money on classes/remedies/stuff/healers that has no real track record of bringing you benefits. While I know it’s not popular in self-help to “should” on yourself, I’m going to do it, here: Y’all, it’s common sense that you should stick to a budget, eliminate credit card debt, and sock away a little for retirement or emergencies. C’mon, now.
Okay, Here’s The Truth
The biggest sign that you’ve made your life into a Personal Growth Project?
Deep deep down, none of it’s working, even though it’s all a lot of work.
Deep deep down, if you really-truly-really told the truth, you’d admit that while eating vegetables and meditation helps, something is seriously still not right in your soul.
Know Your Why
I’m a fan of Simon Sinek and his theory that the best businesses “Start with why.” I’ve seen his TED talk, and while I’ll admit to being slightly distracted by his super-hot accent, I’d wager this: he’d say that the best people also “start with why.”
Knowing your why means that you get super-clear:
I’m not going to green juice it up this week because I think I’ll lose weight, or because I want to be like that yogini I follow on Instagram. I’m going to do it because it feels fucking amazing.
I’m going to start exercising weekly because it feels fucking amazing. (So in service to feeling fucking amazing, I’m going to figure out what kind of moving my body feels great, what’s fun, what makes me laugh, what I don’t resist).
I’m going to give more money/time/resources to those in need, because it feels fucking amazing. (So in service to that, I’ll get off of Facebook and stop telling myself that bullshit about not having enough time.)
I’m going to have more sex because it feels fucking amazing. (So in service to that, I’m going to get vulnerable and talk with my partner about why we’ve hit this lull. Or I’m going to buy a vibrator. Or I’m going to check out polyamory. See? Options for everyone).
I’m going to train for triathlon because it feels fucking amazing. (So in service to that, I’m going to devote some of my limited available free time to sweating and I’m going to confront my resistance to the pool, because the bad-assery I’ll feel as my body gets stronger is so worth it).
I’m going to start painting on large canvasses with paint on my fingers instead of on the brush. Why? Because it feels fucking amazing. (So in service to that, I’m going to buy some canvasses and paints, and not care what it looks like. Anyone can finger paint).
When you decide to deeply examine your motivations, getting ruthlessly honest about your “why,” you’ll quickly see what doesn’t work and what would. The hard stuff doesn’t feel as hard (instead, it starts feeling worth it).
Know your “why,” and you’ll get a lifeline to far more clarity and joy than all of the world’s self-help books and courses could possibly give you. Ditch the Personal Growth Projects in favor of knowing why you do what you do, want what you want, and choose to live how you live.