So, Fabeku just nicely summed up how I run my business. Here he is:
The day that I decided I was done with client no-shows, late payments, offering a gazillion different freebies to prove my worth before a client would decide to work together, holding back in a session for fear that a client would get upset if I stopped colluding with her story that she couldn’t create what she wanted to create in her life, not fully being myself in blog posts, running “giveaways” and every other manner of salesy gimmicks just because business “experts” said I should…the day that I decided that that wasn’t worth it, anymore, everything changed.
A core idea behind the Coaching Blueprint digital marketing program, is this: if you’re not running your business, your way, it doesn’t matter how much money you make (also, you’re probably not making much money. Money is slow in coming when people are inauthentic).
Here’s a little love note that I received the other day:
“I’m reading the Blueprint, just got it yesterday, thinking, “What the hell. Good people are recommending this; you’re at a crossroads, tired and bored of your business. You’ve meant to go back to coaching for some time. Read it.”
And so I did and am. And as I read, I want to hug you often.
I’m not a gushy person, generally, but the honesty with which you talk about yourself is really doing wonders for me, seeing the same thought patterns, observations, and complete UNWILLINGNESS not to be 100% aligned with what I do in life anymore.
There is more, deeper fulfillment, and I know it, and it’s gotta work for me, or Hell, why are we in this game.
So I thank you for offering me a mirror in a kind voice, smart eyes and clearly, generous heart. I appreciate it.”
The same is true for my life coach training program. People have told me they’d sign up if it was less money (even though costs only a third of other training programs, but I digress); they’d do it if the calls were on a different day; they’d do it if life wasn’t so busy right now.
And honestly? Those are all completely legitimate reasons to wait on diving in to something. I don’t mind. I think that it’s good when people are honoring themselves and their needs.
But at the same time, I also recognize if this is not a clear, resonant, YES, it’s not the right fit. If you want something badly enough, you’ll find a way to get it.
In fact, if it’s a resonant YES, you’ll feel it in your body. Your body doesn’t lie. When it’s the right fit, it’s molecular. Every cell knows when the truth of what you desire is right there, and every cell knows when you’re cheating yourself by keeping yourself from what you want.
The excitement can barely be held back (and right on the tail end of that, the fear, because that’s what happens when you’re stepping out into the unknown).
Yes, you could be more accommodating and find endless ways to change things up so that everyone gets exactly what they want–but really, you’ll never feel quite right about that. Not deep down. Not where the truth resides.
So there it is. Live from the place where the truth resides. Set up your career, your business from that place. Set up your relationship from that place. When you connect to that, and live from that, it is impossible to go astray.
Like peeling layers to get closer to the core, every successful person has to learn the art of becoming more and more sacredly unapologetic.
The courage to be sacredly unapologetic is in knowing that even when people, perhaps even people you love, feel blecch about your choices, you’re still going to choose to be grounded in them–without apology.
What it is, what it’s not
To live in a space of being sacredly unapologetic, is this: you know what your priorities are, and the highest among them is to make choices that feel good.
- You don’t hang out with people who don’t bring out that feeling within you. You don’t make obligatory phone calls to those people. You don’t opt to spend holidays with them. You don’t pretend not to notice when they’re rude or unkind.
- You desire connection, so you do wish to practice compassion, forgiveness, and all the other pieces that go along with messy human relationships.
- You ask for what you need in group settings.
- You have clear boundaries and you throw down on them when someone blows past them.
- You’ll only work with service providers who are impeccable, who deliver.
- You go after what you most desire.
- You price your work in alignment with its value, and you give, because giving feels good.
It doesn’t mean:
- That you write people off with a big “fuck you.” That’s a huuuuuge misconception about what it means to live powerfully, and it’s a prime example of the abuse and mis-use of self-help.
- That your needs and preferences trump everyone else’s. They don’t.
- That you aren’t open to negotiating (some people see negotiating as a form of backtracking on their desires for self-care, like if they compromise anything then it’s all out the window).
- That you do it all for the money.
- That service providers are your servants.
- That you put other people’s lives or standards of living at risk in the pursuit of your own goals. For example, if you leave your job so that you can pursue a career that lights you up, awesome, but someone who has kids has an ethical responsibility to find a way to do that while still putting a roof over their heads.
Being simply “unapologetic” often translates to steamrolling right over people and only looking out for Numero Uno.
Being “sacredly unapologetic” is about being in the fine glow of connection, with your choices supporting more connection–connection to yourself, to others, to what you’re up to in the world.
People who don’t practice being sacredly unapologetic in their own lives haaaaate it when others do.
They’ll tell you that you’re too picky, too precious, too sensitive, that you think too highly of yourself, that you’re narcissistic, that your prices are too high, that you expect everyone else to bend over backwards, that your work isn’t worthy, that you’re selfish.
I spent years of my life fearing being called “selfish.” Then I figured out that a.) I was being called selfish even at times when I’d tried really hard to be accommodating, and b.) I was being called selfish as a maneuver, when someone else wanted me to do things their way.
(So there’s a clue.)
What’s hard about being sacredly unapologetic is the backlash. You’ll have a day where you’ll price your services higher and in will roll an email from someone who asks how you dare to charge what you charge. You’ll decide to opt out on a family gathering and then suddenly this throws a big, shiny light on the fact that the relationship is strained.
The first few times this happens, it’s going to feel ridiculously awkward and painful, the slow peeling off of a band-aid that you’ve been clinging to, to avoid just this very feeling.
You breathe your way through, until you realize that the worst of it is over. It never feels quite as bad to be criticized as it does that first, shocking time.
You stand in your courage, your shaky tenderness. You understand that prolonging the moment when you’ve gotta pull off that metaphorical band-aid does not actually make the pain any better when inevitably, it’s gotta be done.
When you get more practiced with this, something pretty amazing happens: you look around at your life and realize that a helluva lot is going the way you’d always hoped it would.
You might have fewer super-close friendships, but those that you do have, are all quality–they’re people who respect your “yes” and your “no” without questioning your character.
You’re making the kind of money you always wanted to make, doing the kind of work that you always wanted to do.
Your wardrobe looks and feels like “you.”
You feel an expanded capacity to give something back, to be part of the worldwide community, to be a healer.
You have less resistance to your personal commitments–you don’t bail on meditation, or that daily walk you said you were going to start, or making time for art each day, or eating in ways that nourish your body.
Most importantly, you get it–you get unapologetic because you understand that this is the one lifetime that you’re consciously aware of. There are no do-overs for any particular year. You want to make them count.
When you are sacredly unapologetic, you are refusing to apologize for making choices that enliven you–because you are here, and you are here to truly live.
You’re not apologizing for that fact. You’re too busy living.
When her team reached out and asked if I would be among the first people to bring the live Desire Map workshops to my area–well, that was a fast n’ full-bodied YES.
Desire Mapping is a fun process to do on your own–and it’s even more fun when it’s done in the company of others.
So, without further adieu…let’s do this, San Francisco! Two dates are available. Head here: http://www.yourcourageouslife.com/desire-map-workshops .