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“There is a crack, a crack in everything / That’s how the light gets in.” –Leonard Cohen
When I say “show them your cracks” I’m suggesting that you show people your vulnerable spaces where you don’t have everything together.
“Sounds good, Kate,” you might be thinking. “But I’ve done that before, and it didn’t so go well.”
When you decide to show them your cracks, here are some common responses:
Sometimes the response is advice-giving (“She’s got a crack! Let’s fix it!”).
Sometimes the response is silence (“She’s got a crack! Ugh, I don’t want to be around that.”).
Sometimes the response is one of those really concerned looks where you can tell the person is thinking something, but holding themselves back from saying it (“She’s got a crack? The life coach? Um, she sounds like she’s having a really hard time and I don’t eeeeeeven know what to do with that”).
If you are someone who makes it a habit of showing the places where you are uncertain, or where you have fear, this so breaks the mold that it’s unusual. People don’t always know what to do with this.
My work isn’t about becoming fearless (I think that fearless is the new perfectionism). Like you and every other human being on the planet, I experience doubt, worry, nervousness, anxiety, sadness, anger, frustration, resentment.
The courage is the willingness to be open about imperfection. Show them your cracks, even though they might not respond well.
How do you respond when people tell you about their cracks, their imperfections?
People who are inclined to give advice usually are only hoping to be helpful. The shadow of that is sometimes that they’re distancing themselves by trying to remain “above” the problem.
People who distance themselves are scared that simply by being around someone else who is walking through a life challenge, they, too, will “catch” that challenge, like a virus.
Others are disappointed; perhaps secretly hoping that someone else had it all figured out. No more pedestal.
And, sadly, there are others who will feel a delighted glee at someone else’s admission of struggle.
The response of others when you show them your imperfections will tell you a lot about who they are and what they fear.
It isn’t really about you.
We need more people talking about the places where they feel busted-up. And yeah, we also need more people who roll up their sleeves and move beyond diarist admissions of suffering.
But more than anything, when people show up with their cracks, they’re showing up as their entire selves. That’s worth something.We owe it to the people who show up to not pathologize their emotions.
You can fear things. This doesn’t make you dangerous. It makes you real.
If you want to live as a whole person, you’re going to have to be willing to not shut down anything, including the stuff that’s hard to be with.
It’s not easy, to live as a whole person.
But it’s definitely not easy to live as a person who’s shut down, or mired in doubt, or numbed out, either. It’s not easy to live wondering whether everyone would leave if they saw everything that you are.
Show people your cracks. Choose whole. Choose real, over fear.
Yes, we’ve all met them: the person who has some shit hit the fan, like perhaps losing a job, but instead of trying to find a new job, she wants to rub some crystals together, recite some affirmations, and “Think positive.”
Yes, we’ve all seen them: the websites that try to commodify happiness, selling it to you like it’s a “secret formula,” maybe even using words like “the secret formula for happiness.”
Yes, we’ve all heard of them: the people who would take this positive thinking thing so far that they’d look a person of color in the face and tell them not to worry about institutionalized racism; who would tell someone who’s been walking through terrible poverty to “keep their chin up.”
These are all things that happen around the conversation of positive thinking, so it’s no wonder people have gotten a bit salty about it.
But I’m talking to you, the person who reads this with hopefully an ounce of common sense.
From the perspective of common sense, let’s get a few things out of the way: If you lose your job, think positive while you get your ass off of the couch to look for a new one. If you try to swindle people out of money while promising them happiness, karma is gonna come looking for you, and she’s going to be pissed. If you tell people who are suffering around social justice issues that they just need to think positive to see social change, you’re contributing to the problems they face.
Boom. There you go.
Now, I’ll proceed to tell you why positive thinking matters.
Something shitty just happened. You feel like shit.
Right now? Not the time to “think positive.” Not the time to ignore the pain as you try to figure out how this will be a life lesson for you to beautifully articulate in a blog post. Not the time to justify or rationalize that anyone who deliberately contributed to the circumstances is just golly-gosh-gee doing their best.
Positive thinking is only powerful when it’s used at the right time. Doing all of the above? That’s called “Spiritual bypass.” You can google the term or the name “Ken Wilber” if you want to read up. You might recognize yourself, pretty quickly.
Your anger has its place.
Your sadness has its place.
Your overwhelm, distraction, frustration, rage, grief, insecurity, fear, isolation, loneliness, or whatever feeling seems to wash over you whenever things are shitty? These feelings all have their place.
If you try not to feel them, you drive them underground, and that is not just some throwback to Freud. Not only does Dr. Brene Brown point out that people who try not to feel their so-called “negative” emotions also cut themselves off from their joy, I can speak from personal experience that trying not to feel the bad stuff, thinking that that’s what it means to be a Certifiable Good Person, just leads to feeling stuck.
When shitty things happen, you find the people who will let you feel the feelings, preferably in real-time and not via a Facebook post.
You pay attention.
Then, at a certain point, you decide that you’re ready to shift. It’s time to think positive, for no other reason than because continually recycling the negative just feels crappy.
It will not do you any good to try to “think positive” until you’ve felt the feelings. You can’t force your way there. You’ll know you’re ready when two things happen.
One, in your body, you’ll feel like the feelings have moved from being a direct experience in your body, to being something you’re carrying around on your back, like baggage. This is hard to explain, but anyone who has gone through a breakup can tell you that there’s a point where all of the sadness and confusion is very “alive” and direct in their body, and then at some imperceptible moment, you’re basically functioning in your life again but the feelings feel like something you’re carrying around, weighing you down.
Two, you’ll have the thought, “Something needs to change,” or some variation on those words. You’ll desire the shift.
It matters because at a certain point in processing your pain about what has happened to you, choosing to “think positive” becomes a powerful life alternative to wallowing, forever a victim of what happened.
When someone dies, when a job is lost and there are few job options available, when you’re presented with a health crisis and the road to recovery will be long, when a relationship falls apart despite your own best efforts, you need to process your pain.
You also, at some point, need to reach for something positive. Not happy-happy-joy-joy inauthenticity, but something that is more positive than “It’s done, for me.”
Deciding to adopt some positive thinking opens doors. Rejecting it outright, closes them. For as much as people bash “positive thinking,” I can’t imagine that those same people would ever say the following to someone:
Your husband is dead, and you’ll probably never feel happiness, again.
You lost your job and there aren’t many other options out there, so I hope you don’t lose your house.
You’re sick, and it’s going to be really hard and difficult and you might not get better.
Your relationship fell apart, and so be prepared to never love anyone again.
These are statements that lack empathy. They lack just as much empathy as someone getting in your face right after a death, telling you that it’s all going to be okay, just look on the bright side.
Empathy is the critical factor, whether it’s empathy for your own feelings or having empathy for someone else’s.
Positive thinking without empathy, just doesn’t work.
“There’s a lesson in all of this,” without “It’s really hard right now; how can I help?” doesn’t work.
“I’m sure you’re going to make a full recovery from your illness” without “It’s not fair that this has happened to you, and I’m here if you need me” doesn’t work.
Empathy is what bridges the gap when social justice issues come up. Tell me as a woman, “I believe you when you say that you’ve experienced this; I believe you when you say that there are inequalities. It sucks, and it’s wrong. How can I support you?”
Tell people of color this. Tell the LGBTQ community this. Tell people who are struggling financially, this.
Let them have all of their “Right now, I feel like nothing’s going to get better” feelings.
And when they’re ready, let them know that you’re there to help them forge a new path–a more positive one that leads to change.
I do my best to adopt positive thinking. I resisted it at first, because I thought that it was like a lie, like telling myself to believe that I felt like enough in those moments when I didn’t feel that, at all. But positive thinking doesn’t need to be, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh-darnit, people like me!”
It can be as simple and true as this: “I’m willing to try, and trust that that’s going to get me somewhere.”
That’s it. No pom-poms. No slapping an affirmation on it to make the pain go away. No putting on a bright smile and “Faking it until you make it.”
More like this reality: “Sometimes, life is hard. And it will feel harder and quite miserable if I repetitively tell myself that I can’t, that it’s not possible, that there are no options. The choice is mine.”
Yes. The choice is yours. You’re thinking your thoughts, either way.
There’s one simple question that, if you embrace it whole-heartedly, could be the most important question of your life.
It’ll be the game-changer that will elevate your marriage or relationships. It’ll be the question that elevates your business. It can inspire more efficient productivity and focus. It’ll be the question that leads you to greater happiness.
It’s this: In this situation, who do I want to be?
I began relentlessly asking myself this question about six years ago. If I was about to pop off a snippy comeback when I was irritated with my husband, I’d stop. Breathe. “Okay, Kate. In this situation, who do you want to be?”
When I was at a crossroads in my business, feeling the pinch of a shrinking bank account and not knowing what to do, or trying to figure out my next marketing approach, or being asked to endorse someone’s offering in a “you-scratch-my-back” kind of a deal that would feel inauthentic and crappy, I’d stop. Breathe. “In this situation, who do I want to be?”
Trying to decide which project to focus my time on? Okay, then–keep it simple, no need to go bust out a new day planner and try to quadrant my time down to the hour–instead, when managing my time, who do I want to be?
The question is powerful because another question is embedded within it. To answer the question of who you want to be means immediately asking another powerful question: “What will I choose?”
The truth is that we’re all already asking these two questions, constantly–but many of us are asking and answering while on auto-pilot. It’s when you’re not stopping to question the capital-S “Stories,” the narratives/beliefs/assumptions behind your answers, that you start living life on default.
You’ve got to get conscious about how you ask these questions.
When you’re not conscious about the process, you’ll choose who you want to be based on your anger or your sadness. That means that you’ll get the pot-shot in. When you get conscious about how you ask the questions, “Who do I want to be?” and “What do I want to choose?” there’s a conscious choice that could forever alter your life’s trajectory (in a positive way).
There’s another layer to all of this, and it’s gaining presence about how you ended up…right here.
When you see that you were never getting conscious about the “Who do I want to be?” and “What do I want to choose?” questions, then you realize:
–Oh. That’s why that relationship failed. I went to anger and attack.
–Ah. That’s why this job is so soul-sucking. I’m routinely walking into work and responding to my co-workers or the task at hand, on auto-pilot.
–Mmmmmkay. So the reason I keep hitting the wine bottle is because I’m stressed-out and not having enough fun, elsewhere in my life.
Anger & attack, resenting your job, defaulting to a substance for pleasure? These are all choices made when someone isn’t being conscious with the question, “Who do I want to be?”
We all do it. We all have places in our life where we operate on auto-pilot.
Here is your opportunity to bring that consciousness and that presence.
You’ve got it in you to face the hard questions. The relief you feel when you face them, the power that you feel when you’re consciously choosing, will be worth the challenge.
Get conscious about the question “Who do I want to be?”, and every decision gets easier, every hour of your life becomes self-defining, every interaction with another human being has the opportunity for kindness.
Get conscious about that question, and it won’t be money or success that defines your happiness, it’ll be you being proud of you that creates your joy.