Be where you are (even if you’re just treading water)

What we are used to, when it comes to courage, is pushing: pushing to get to the “next level.” Pushing to create your “big thing.” Pushing to grow, to achieve, to be a better version of yourself than the version that you were, last year. Innovate, innovate, innovate—and never be happy with the “status quo.” To simply tread water, to stay in your comfort zone and be where you are without trying to get to a better place, is for suckers (or so they say).

And…reality requires more nuance.

Yes, there are times where we need to push and fight for every step of our growth; growth is uncomfortable and without the push, we’ll live stagnant lives. These are the times when we need confronting with kindness, the person or internal advocate who will say, “Don’t sell yourself short; this is hard but you need to forge ahead, anyway. DO NOT GIVE UP.”

Other times, we need to practice the courage to allow ourselves to simply tread water. Sometimes, it’s fear that’s driving us to hustle more, hustle harder. It becomes a fear-based choice to push-push-push. All that pushing leads to being at war with yourself.

So how do you know the difference between when you need to push and when you need to simply…be?

Primarily, you’ll learn through time and discernment, through accessing the body to observe what you feel, and through attention to the repeated patterns. You start noticing that, say, every time your career really starts getting hot, you get overwhelmed and feel the need to take a long break. Or every time things finally relax in your relationship, you feel a strong urge to pick a fight. Or it might hit you that when you want to leave a situation, you have a tendency to make the circumstances and everyone in them “wrong,” so as to justify your leaving—and that this creates unnecessary drama and heartache.

But speaking as someone who has struggled with practicing the courage to simply tread water and be where I am? The biggest sign that I’m in need of it is the degree to which I’ll resist doing just that.

It’s easy to spot the resistance when it comes up for me: at those times, if I look at my life I will see all the places where I’m hustling and none of the places where I’m willing to practice the principle of “just be where you are .”

Maybe you can relate?

If you examine your own hustle-hustle, you’re likely to find some spot of pain that you’ve been trying to avoid. There’s some pain of not feeling good enough, some place of feeling lost and confused. (Hustle-hustle is a great way to avoid needing to feel those feelings.)

Sometimes, you will need to let it be enough that you are simply living, simply existing. Be where you are . Breathe where you are.

Sure, courage can be found in the hustle and push for something bigger and bolder.

It can also be found in those times when we are simply treading water, trying to be where we are because that is in fact, the boldest move we could make at that moment.

* * *

As I write this, I am thinking of the people I have known: the people who are trying to tread water as they birth new babies, or keep mental illness from taking over their lives, or bury people they love, or survive a divorce, or get sober, or figure out what to do as they’ve lost their financial footing, or make it day-to-day with a special needs child who is the love of your life but also the exhaustion of your life, or process a trauma, or reel from rejection after putting all their efforts behind a big dream.

I am thinking of you, if you are in the midst of that, and how there are messages coming at you—a million miles an hour, it might seem!—to hustle and dream bigger and go-go-go. And meanwhile, you’re feeling like you can just barely manage to take the wheel.

There are two things that are true, at these moments:

One, it is true that you will need to have the hard conversations with yourself, at some point. You will need to dig deep and ask yourself, “What am I going to commit to—what’s it going to take—for me to grow past this?”

And two, that moment might not be right now. If you have needed the permission to just tread water and make it moment-to-moment in the space you are in, I hope you’ll give it to yourself, right here and now.

This, too, is courage.

habits to reduce anxiety

Here’s what I’ve learned after more than a decade of being in therapy or coaching, holding coaching sessions myself for hundreds of different individuals, working with thousands of students in the college system, intimate conversations with friends and family, reading hundreds of self-help books, years of meditation and studying Zen Buddhism including sitting at the feet of monks who had been meditating and working with people for years, taking courses at the college and graduate level in human psychology and counseling and diagnosis, and reviewing a few gazillion research studies (wootwoot for Google Scholar) on neuropsychology, habit-formation, psychological courage, epigenetics, autoimmunity, and more…

…anxiety is something of a human condition.

Like, it’s actually not that there’s this large group of people who rarely ever worry, and then the rest of us worry about things or fear things or ruminate, and we need to get our lives “balanced” so that we can live like those people.

Nope. Actually, most of us worry about things, fear things, and ruminate. There are, yes, some people who just don’t tend to worry or let much bother them. They are the exception, not the rule.

Anxiety—fear—is something of a human condition. It’s the existential dilemma of being alive in a world that is fundamentally beyond our control.

Call it what you want: self-doubt, nervousness, lack of confidence, worry, guilt, uncertainty, anxiety, thinking too much, over-thinking, second-guessing, etc. Really, it all belongs in the same bucket: FEAR.

Yes, there is such a thing as anxiety that is so excessive, so deeply impacting someone’s life that it is labeled an anxiety disorder because the anxiety is causing the person to shut down (and I totally support someone getting help from their doctor and a prescription for medication in such cases).

But in the case of ordinary, chronic, low-grade worry about world politics, about how you looks and if you’ll ever lose those ten pounds and about why you still care about the stupid ten pounds, having enough money to pay the mortgage, being liked, handling parenting challenges, being good enough. I’m talking to the people who aren’t shutting down in the face of their worries, but they are definitely exhausted by them…

To you, I say: you’re actually normal. Since the dawn of time, people have been worried creatures.

Also, I say: our society has some deeply dysfunctional aspects to it that heighten your worry, so I’d love to tell you about three habits to reduce anxiety. Yes, anxiety is probably here to stay—and—yes, there are habits that you can adopt that will reduce some of yours.

How Habits Work

We typically think of habits as things like “remember to brush your teeth” or “a daily meditation habit.” In fact, social scientists estimate that nearly half of our daily behavior is habitual (and much of the time, we don’t realize it).

Habits work on a cue-routine-reward loop. We experience a cue (not always consciously), we go into a routine (not always consciously), seeking a reward (often, the alleviation of anxiety).

So, for instance, someone who feels stress (the cue) and drinks alcohol (the routine) is seeking to alleviate the stress (and much of the time, in the short term, the alcohol works…until it doesn’t).

Arguing with a partner and feeling stuck? Chances are good that when he gets a particular kind of pot-shot in (the cue), you go into your own routine (fighting back harder, or disconnecting), and the “reward” might not immediately be apparent, unless you consider that an argument is about a power struggle. The “reward” of a routine like disconnecting might be feeling more in-control (“I won’t let him get me upset!” or “I’ll give him the silent treatment!”).

These are probably almost never conscious thoughts.

So consider for yourself, how you react when…

…you get the notice that your property taxes went up and your escrow is short.
…your kid gets a note home from school.
…you see that family member that you don’t get along with, pop up on your phone, calling you.
…you work really hard on something at work and your arch-nemesis co-worker, as usual, makes some critical remark in front of everyone at a meeting.

You probably respond to these scenarios in patterned, habitual ways. The question on everyone’s mind becomes, “How can I respond, differently?”

There are two places where you can change the habit: the cue, or the routine. Most of the time, the routine is the most effective point of change because you have less control over the cue (after all, you can’t really do much to set up life so that property taxes are never raised or so co-workers are always kind).

However, it is possible to address habitual responses at the “cue” level if you adopt three habits to reduce anxiety right where it can often be heightened: biochemically.

Three Habits to Reduce Anxiety

Okay, back to this “society is dysfunctional” comment that I made, earlier. Consider for a moment that a hundred years ago, everyone got more exercise, more sleep, and ate more vegetables than they do, today. Consider that a hundred years before that and a hundred years before that, this was also true. Consider that modern society is the only society that we’re aware of where people are this sedentary, this driven to be up at all hours, and this overloaded with crap food.

Biochemically—at the level of how your brain, body, and hormones work together—you are always going to be dealing with more anxiety if you are not handling three specific things: getting sleep, getting exercise, eating vegetables.

I’m not talking about striving to fit into a Photoshopped sort of thin-ideal. I’m talking about habits to reduce anxiety that really add up to basic biochemical self-care: get sleep. get exercise. get vegetables.

These are the three habits to reduce anxiety as indicated by a large body of different research studies conducted over decades (try searching for them; it won’t take long). Not getting enough sleep, exercise, or healthy foods are all correlated with heightened rates of anxiety (depression, malaise, disease, whatever you want to call it).

Point blank: if you feel heightened anxiety, yet you neglect the sleep-exercise-vegetables trifecta, you’re probably going to keep feeling that heightened anxiety. The research indicates, too, that it can even get worse (it becomes a compound problem where the effects of neglecting these three things build up over time).

There’s a lot that you can’t control, in this world, and feeling anxiety is normal. But if you adopt habits to reduce anxiety then you won’t be as impacted when the stress hits.

“But I Can’t!”

First? Yes. You can.

You’ve got to be ruthlessly committed to this idea. 99% of the people reading this have access to the tools to create enough sleep, exercise, and vegetables, and they simply aren’t using them. That’s who this piece is speaking to (and in case you are curious, yes, a portion of my time and money goes towards causes to help those who don’t have access to these resources).

The average person with chronic, low-grade anxiety needs to get their bases covered. Sleep, exercise, vegetables are those bases.

Sleep–if you have insomnia, see your doctor. I dealt with insomnia for years, and it surprised me when I told my doctor and instead of giving me a pill, I got “sleep hygiene education” and several behavioral interventions that I hadn’t thought of. I implemented a few of them, and within a week, everything shifted. Years of insomnia, gone! It’s a beautiful life. And if you don’t have insomnia but you do things like stay up late watching Netflix, it’s a choice to get thyself into bed, earlier.

Exercise–forget exercise to lose weight, and instead, get into exercise to move your body and dissipate anxiety. Exercise is one of the biggest co-factors that helps depression and anxiety. You don’t need to run marathons or become a triathlete. You really only need to do about 20 minutes of exercise that gets your heart rate up, and not sit for long periods during the day. Set a timer on your phone or kitchen stove that will go off and remind you to move, or grab a FitBit that will buzz at you to get moving every hour.

Vegetables–a salad a day. Forget trying to overhaul your eating to adopt the “perfect” diet. Start with getting a salad a day into your diet, and see where you can go, from there.

If you have the ability to make better choices about sleep, exercise, and vegetables, but you don’t? Expect continued anxiety or worsening anxiety.

Reduce Anxiety (And Feel More Courageous)

Much of the time here at Your Courageous Life I’m talking about things you can do to live with more courage from a psychological perspective, or I’m talking about how you can improve your relationships with others.

It might seem odd that I’d want to talk about basic wellness, but I believe in a biopsychosocial model of health. Bio = body, Psycho = psychology, Social = your relationships or the society you live in.

If you want to reduce anxiety and feel more courageous, you can’t ignore the biological side of things. You’ve got to create better habits to nourish your biochemical, biological health. Right now, as you read this, biochemical processes in your body are impacting everything from how fast you read and process to how you comprehend it to what you will retain to your emotional response to the material.

Adopting habits to reduce anxiety that impact your biological health, is critical. When I talk with people about cultivating courageous habits, the first thing I talk about is the step to “Access the body.”

Fear isn’t logical; it’s primal. We feel it in the body, so we need to deal with it in the body. If you want to start shifting something so that you’re not feeling that low-grade chronic anxiety, you’ve got to cover the basics of your biological health. Yes, some level of anxiety is simply the human condition when it comes to getting through our complex, complicated, nuanced lives. Yet we can also do our part to create habits to reduce anxiety in service to feeling more courageous.

overcoming fear of change

Someone asked me once, “How can I start overcoming fear of change in my life? It seems like that’s the hardest part—not the change itself, but the fear of change.” I think she’s right, and overcoming fear of change (the anticipation of, and uncertainty about, what is to come) is often harder than actually taking action or seeing how things shake down.

First, I think it’s helpful to understand what our habitual responses to change (or fear, in general) are. If I’m to classify the most common fear routines that we go into by default, I’d say that they could be loosely categorized as the Perfectionist, the Martyr, the Saboteur, and the Pessimist routines—all of which encompass those sorts of behaviors (e.g., perfectionists might respond to a fear of change by going into perfectionism and trying to control the circumstances; pessimists might respond to a fear of change by going into “What’s the point?” negativity).

When you know how your fear routines operate, you can start overcoming fear of change in a different way—through the lens of habit formation, creating better habits that are rooted in the value of courage.

For example: Let’s say that you know you go into perfectionism when you feel fear. If you get clear on what perfectionism looks like, for you, what a perfectionist fear routine encompasses, then you’ll be able to recognize when you’re caught in the routine. That’s the moment when you can course-correct. “Ah, yes, I do this thing when I’m afraid of change. Let me ask myself, with presence, what I might do differently.”

Practices for Overcoming Fear of Change

What are the practices of courage when there’s a fear of change? Really, I think they’re always applicable, whether it’s a fear of change or financial uncertainty or just maybe-kinda noticing that our 45th President is a shit-show:

1. Access the body. You feel fear in the body, so deal with it in the body. Adopt mindfulness practices that keep fear sensations from completely overwhelming you during times of change.

2. Listen without attachment. Listen to what your fear says, without getting attached to it—without believing it. That’s part of how you stay savvy to the fact that the routine is running.

3. Reframe limiting stories. Nope, not reciting affirmations—reframing limiting Stories. It’s highly pragmatic to notice that fear tells Stories about how hard or difficult the upcoming changes will be, and you don’t actually know if the Stories are true.

4. Reach out and create community. Fear thrives in isolation, and it diminishes in community. Talk to others about your fears of change. Some people (mistakenly) believe that wanting to receive reassurance from others is a sign of insecurity. No—reaching out to receive reassurance is a sign of resilience and health!

Yes, change is scary.
You are normal.
You are not somehow “doing life wrong” if you find that fear of change has hobbled you.

Overcoming fear of change is really about being willing to be with the uncertainty—and, I might add, the idea that there are times when life is certain, ever, is just a perception.

In reality, all of life is uncertain. There could be an asteroid headed for us at this very moment. How we move through our lives in the face of uncertainty is by quite literally deciding that we will live, even as we know that no one escapes life without challenges.

Particularly with the courage habit step of reaching out to others and creating community, we remind ourselves that when we fear change, we are not alone.