The truth about whining, complaining, bitching & moaning

So…you’ve found yourself around someone who keeps whining, complaining, bitching and moaning and…it’s annoying, right? So you want to know what to do about it, how to handle what they’re doing but perhaps in a way that’s kind.

I’ll be honest: when I’m around someone who is chronically whining, complaining, bitching and moaning it’s as difficult for me as it is for anyone else. The energy of those dynamics is one of powerlessness. If we’re not conscious of it, we take on the energy of those dynamics when other people display them (note that both the consciousness and the taking on of the energy is our responsibility; the so-called “energy vampires” of the world are as much a figment of one’s imagination as Twilight. No one can “take” your energy unless you’re giving them access to a vein).

But here’s the thing: those people who annoy us with their whining, bitching, complaining and moaning? They’re not doing it because they’re awful people.

They’re doing it because they’re in pain.

Why people start whining, complaining, bitching and moaning

People do it because they are tired. Afraid. Overwhelmed. The whining, complaining, bitching and moaning, while it didn’t sound so very great, was comes up when someone has an overload of feelings and a need for an outlet.

They are hoping that if they talk about it with you they will feel better.

They are not intending to start whining, complaining, bitching, and moaning.

They are not even aware that they are dumping on you in that way.

If you start making people wrong, labeling them as negative, ghosting them or rejecting them? You are part of the problem.

You are part of the problem because you’re not giving them any helpful insight into their behavior, or making a request that when they are around you, they show up differently. You’re just feeding into it. Labeling someone as negative, ghosting them, or rejecting them will just cause them more pain.

Because they are in pain, they will go to someone else to talk about it and hope that they will feel better. They will do this, not intending to be whining, complaining, bitching, or moaning. They will still be unaware that they are dumping on anyone.

More than likely, those same people are going for long periods of hiding negative feelings and not talking about them, trying to hold them in.

It’s the pathologizing of negative feelings that leads to…the overload of feelings. And at some point, mostly everyone with an abundance of mucky stuff built up is going to start feeling like they desperately need at outlet, at which point they…start whining, complaining, bitching, and moaning.

What this means

Maybe, instead of labeling someone as bad you could try to help them out a bit. Gently. With compassion.

Maybe we could not reject someone who is doing any of these things, but instead get curious, with them: what’s the truth of what they feel, underneath that whining, complaining, bitching, moaning?

The truth of what they feel is probably very tender. It’s probably their fear and their softness and all the places they feel incapable of changing something in their life. It’s their struggles.

Maybe we could ask each other questions in the face of this behavior, questions such as: “How can I support you, right now?”

Maybe if we did this, people wouldn’t hide those feelings.

===>>> Maybe if people didn’t hide feelings, we wouldn’t also have the phenomenon of people who suffer in silence, or who feel like they can’t be fully who they are, or who show up in their lives going through the motions. And maybe if we didn’t have so many people suffering in silence and going through the motions, we wouldn’t have an epidemic of depression and suicide. <<<===

Maybe not making someone wrong, and instead gently and compassionately giving them feedback would even lead to fewer instances of whining, complaining, bitching and moaning.

Rejecting Vs. Accepting Vs. Rolling Over And Taking It

I’m not saying that this means you’ll need to endlessly listen to someone go on about their problems or that you’re somehow responsible for “fixing” someone else.

I’m saying that if a friend is going on-and-on about her life’s problems, and she knows that you’ll love her no matter what, she might just vent out what’s happening for her, feel better, and move on. Or perhaps she’s going to be more open to that moment when you say, “I’m noticing that there’s a lot going on for you, right now. It sounds intense. How can I support you in shifting it?”

I don’t think that most friends, when offered this kind of support, would just do it, anyway. Complaining doesn’t feel good in the body. People don’t consciously choose things that don’t feel good. People choose things that don’t feel good only when they don’t realize that they have other options.

We live in a world where things can be very, very tough for all of us with the right circumstances. I’m only suggesting that perhaps we could create more room for validating that when someone’s going through a tough time, it just feels tough–and that we’re okay with the fact that they feel those things.

Maybe, even we can open up more room to be real…about the fact that at some point, YOU, ME, EVERYONE starts whining, complaining, bitching and moaning.

(GASP!)

Perhaps we could extend to others the compassion we ourselves would love to receive.

What helps me out of my own whining, complaining, bitching and moaning mode, every time? Someone who’s willing to sit with me enough to let me be heard. In that compassion, I can find a willingness to also be a friend to myself.

As embarrassing as it is to look back on my own moments of these behaviors, I can see how I was hurting. I can use that awareness to be willing to hold space for someone else and try to help, rather than cast them out or make them wrong.

Any of us can do the same. You might even start, right now.