Your Courageous Life

To “purge” is to release a lot in one deluge, one fell swoop. If you’re purging, you aren’t picking and choosing one little brick at a time–you’re declaring that a complete overhaul is in order, and it’s entirely possible that a foundation (or two) might come down.

The first (and only) step to not needing to purge? Don’t binge. We binge on easy-come, easy-go; we binge on credit cards; we binge on rich foods; we binge on fast money or fast cars or fast (hot) sex.

Then follows the ubiquitous declarations of repentance and the abstinence-oriented cleanses–and when the cycle starts to repeat itself with alarming predictability, you know you’ve got both a pattern and a neurosis on your hands.

But let’s just go straight to brass tacks–if you’re ready to purge, you’re hopefully past repentance. You’re ready to take the structure down and build it back up.

Know What You’re Dealing With
Whether you’re purging clutter, empty relationships, or weight (and we’re definitely talking about purging that is of the “work out and eat better” variety, not the kind that qualifies you for a diagnosis), it’s good to know what you’re dealing with.

Because–what IS up with you that your office is such a mess that you can’t find anything and your husband is (only half-jokingly) threatening to call Hoarders on you? What IS going on with why you’ve surrounded yourself with Stepford Wives and can’t remember the last time that you had a meaningful conversation? Knowing where you’re starting from is important.

Also–have at least one (if not a few) really good, (purging) crying sessions if you’re releasing something particularly heavy.

Don’t Get Paralysis Analysis
At the same time–quit trying to figure out all the ins and outs of how the shit hit the fan. Start making choices in the right direction, and don’t futz around (for too long, anyway) with figuring out what the “right direction” is. Just start with the opposite of the one you were on, and course correct from there.

Maybe you’re going through a divorce; maybe your business is crashing and burning; maybe you are looking around at your life and don’t know who you are, anymore. Great. Now get going, even if “get going” means that you finally take up that meditation practice you’ve been meaning to start for aeons. It’s not about cramming your to-do lists so much as it is about making different choices–and making a lot of them.

Get Help
Rally the troops. Even if what you’re releasing is a cadre of unsatisfying relationships, you can always hire an ace coach or a hot-shit therapist, start attending support group meetings, workshops, reading more self-help (may I suggest something that’s a little lighter on the b.s. side of things?). Maybe you’ll pray or meditate, more (free, of course) to get through these tough times. Perhaps you’ll take up running or try to sweat out all the toxins (emotional and otherwise) at a Bikram studio. Whatever you do, call up your tribe, or create one of your own.

Release It
Don’t try to repurpose it, sell it, trade it, or store it until it goes up in value. Release it.

Have you ever seen an episode of Hoarders? I’ve caught a few. You’ll notice that the hoarder in question almost always says that they don’t want to throw something away because they were saving it for some express reason. Meanwhile, the rest of us can see that they’re never, ever going to find a use for those six cracked ceramic toilet seats sitting in their back yard.

The same principle applies to anything else that we need to let go of, in life. Just release it. Release the relationship. Release the job with the boss that screams at you. Release the paperwork. Release the attachment to an ideal that hasn’t been working for you for far longer than you’d like to admit. I don’t even like the idea of garage sales–just donate, get it out of the house.

Don’t try to repurpose, sell, trade, or store it in the hopes that things will change–just release.

Shit Fits are For Three Year Olds

Release–and release with class. Release with integrity for what that relationship held for you and what it taught you. Release with respect–for the environment (you’re recycling all of that paper, aren’t you?), for the people involved (even if you don’t like them, they’re human beings, you know), and for your future karma (what goes around…).

When it comes to things like releasing mental patterns or weight, take a moment to–of all things!–have some gratitude. Letting go of a tendency to lose your temper? Chances are good that that pattern served you well at some point, maybe helping you to survive a childhood. Honor that. Letting go of 200 pounds? Honor the weight–even the pattern that piled it on–because that, too, was a coping mechanism of some kind.

Create Something Better

Maybe it didn’t go the way you wanted it to, and you feel like life’s in the shitter–it’s all a wonky mess. Beautiful. Now you have ample information about how you don’t want it to be, and you’re in the driver’s seat for creating something better. You have endless tools at your disposal to do this (if you don’t see them now, start honing that kind of vision–when oft practiced, it does emerge more and more naturally).

How could you bless the situation, the person, the experience? Within the blessing, you’ll pave the way to an amplified new vision for how things can work out, next time. Nothing, short of death, is irreversible (and if you believe in reincarnation, even that involves some level of “I’ll getcha on the next go-around” negotiations).

When you release the old, you open up a wide expanse of space to let in what’s new–and this time, with more consciousness and stronger choices. Create something better, something that will make it easy in a few months or years to look back with friends and say, “Remember when it was so tough because…?” with an easy smile.

* I’ll be making a printable PDF of this available after May 15, 2012, for my e-letter subscribers.

1.) Start meditating–yes, daily. This is how you tap into that which is divine, within and without. People aren’t lying when they tell you that it works. Whether it’s sitting quietly and looking out a window or a zafu with incense and your hands in the proper mudra, make time for…Quiet. Silence. Stillness. Do whatever supports you getting present.

2.) Do the work; no excuses. Most people start trying to dismantle core issues while simultaneously feeling terrified that they exist at all. This makes really getting at the root more difficult. Examine your core issues until you’re no longer afraid that they exist (from there, feel free to start dismantling them). Do the work, no excuses. Doubly true for life coaches who want to powerfully support their clients.

3.) Quit assuming you’ve got it all figured out–or pretending to. This is a biggie, especially around the internet, where so many are trying to craft an online persona that positions them as an expert, leaving them painfully narrow choices around how they develop who they are.

4.) Ask for honest feedback. I’ve got a man who challenges me because he isn’t going to settle for anything less than he deserves. I trust my closest friends to not let me play life small. I ask them to be honest with me, to not spare my feelings, to please do me the honor of telling the the entire truth because that’s how I’ll get another inch of freedom. ASK for the feedback. Ask often.

5.) Speaking of asking? Listen. Listen to your entire life–and then don’t push back! Danielle LaPorte asks this great question: “What is repetitive or chronically inflamed in your life?” I know what my answer is to this question–it’s repetitive that people think I’m coming off with a harsher edge than I’m internally feeling or intending to show.

I used to fight against that, get defensive, try to convince people that the flaw was not in my presentation, but in their perception.

Now, it’s like–How fast can I apologize? I mean, jesus christmas–how many people would need to tell me that they see this exact thing before I’d stop putting it on them and take responsibility? (Apparently, quite a lot, because I didn’t start doing it with fully integrity until a few years ago.)

Listen to your life and what it’s telling you, to what your health is telling you, what people are telling you, your intuition is telling you, your stomach is telling you. Then–don’t push back. Don’t make someone wrong for their feedback. Don’t make your body wrong. Don’t eat that food again. Don’t subvert your intuition. Don’t make your inner critic the “problem” in your life. Listen. Don’t push back.

6.) Take 100% responsibility for absolutely everything that shows up in your life. Listen to your life, don’t push back, and then take responsibility. That person is pissed at you? Take responsibility for your part. Your body’s ill? Take responsibility for stress, sleep habits, eating habits, all of it that is within your conscious control (and look for the unconscious places, too). Inner critic running amok? Take responsibility–because I know that my inner critic only goes into overdrive when I haven’t been taking care of myself in some way.

Julie Daley shared something her teacher had taught her, recently: “If it’s showing up in your life, you’ve already said ‘yes’ to it.” When she said that, the truth of it went right through me. If it’s showing up in my life–it’s here, so accept it and deal with it.

7.) Embrace dichotomies. You’ll be happier the more you realize that everything that’s wonderful is also terrible, in some way, and vice-versa. When you prop someone up on a pedestal, they have no place to go but down. When you decide that a situation is bad, with no redeeming virtue, you leave no room for what might be good. If you don’t embrace life holistically, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

8.) Stop pretending that other people “can’t tell.” For crying out loud! I can tell when I’m being judged, when someone thinks I “should” or “shouldn’t” do something, or when someone is disconnected, emotionally. I’m not stupid. Neither are you–you can tell if I do this with you. How about we both stop doing this, and just get honest?

9.) Quit thinking anyone or anything “owes” you. We all deserve respect and love, and that’s about it. We’re all more likely to get it when we don’t demand it. “You owe me” is about the least sexy energy imaginable. Oh!–and–note that this energy is another one of those things that people “can tell” about you when you’re in it.

10.) Prioritize joy. In reality, the blog post you need to write, the business you’re trying to start, the deadline you need to meet, or even the friends you don’t have time for or the temper that you don’t bother to control because you’re “under stress”–none of that is as important as joy.

Every pithy thing you’ve ever read about prioritizing happiness, joy, self-care–it’s all true, every word, and the question is just when enough years of neglect will pile up and finally issue you their bill, payable now, no more extensions.

(Step One: Get. Off. The. Fucking. Computer. I say this with ferocious, devoted love for you and your well-being. )

A rich inner life is all that matters.

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My clients are intelligent, driven, leading-edge types who don’t settle, who thrive off of being asked tough questions that will utterly dismantle old belief systems that no longer serve their lives. If that sounds like your cup of tea, I’m opening up more sessions in June (right now I’m completely booked). Get on the list to get advance notice of available times.