This moment, now

This post was written in November 2009, and documents my transition from part-time to full-time coaching.

It dawned on me today that one month from today, I'll be holding my last class sessions. For the past few months, I have struggled greatly with just being here, now, where I am, in THIS life, with THESE circumstances, and not rushing to get to THAT life with THOSE circumstances that I somehow think will be so much better. I am very, very aware that THAT life, the one I'm transitioning into, will still be full of challenges to grow into/past.

I keep thinking to myself, "How different would my life be right now if I completely embraced the idea that every single thing that has ever happened to me, is a gift? What if I embraced the idea that every single thing that is happening in my life right NOW, is a gift?"

When I am in my strongest and most empowered moments, I believe this completely and truly and fully. When I'm not feeling empowered, when I feel like a victim of circumstances, it seems like everything "happens to" me.

I have been thinking of this a lot today because it is one of those days where, despite eight hours of sleep, I am dragging.

And it has been a day full of little complaints and critters and "have to" and all of that muckity-muck. Yet I know that there have been times when I've been equally as tired, but in a space of pure joy, such that I didn't even care that I was tired. I was just simply excited about living, and that made all of the difference.I've been fielding phone calls today--still trying to get things squared away with the plumbing issues that we had, little odds and ends--and then in between all of that, trying to get some odds and ends of work done, between teaching two classes. It's a full day, and the voices in my head today have been whining a lot about all of this work and how the house still isn't unpacked (!) and it's not faiiiiiirrrrrr.

That inner little girl wants to go out and play, and is sick of that being put off for another day.

I was driving down the street and was trying to reason it all out in my head. "Okay. I love the saying 'If you're not having fun, why are you doing it?' Yet in life, stuff still needs to be done. These phone calls and repairs still need to be made. I don't get to just blow it all off; that's not realistic. How exactly can I marry "Fun" with getting it all done?"

And the very next thing I thought was: "Make it a game." Right then, my spirits lifted. Of course! Make it a game. Make it a game; challenge myself to see just how much fun I can have, how loving I can be to the people I'm coming into contact with, give myself five points for every time I'm patient, list as many things as I can think of to be grateful for in the next thirty seconds--Ready, Set, Go!

The thing is, none of us get any points for being miserable. We get no kudos for being snarky. We get no life awards for being a victim. Every single synapse in my brain wanted to spend the entire rest of the day complaining about how bad I had it, all the things that were piling up, how tired I was, how grumpy/cranky I felt...at a certain point, after acknowledging and owning those feelings, it was time to shift it. I'm trying to convey how badly I didn't want to shift it; how badly I just wanted to stay in a comfort zone of complaints.

I chose to challenge myself to come up with thirty things that I'm grateful for in thirty seconds.

I felt amazing afterwards.

This stuff works. We are completely in choice about how we can live our lives and what we're capable of. If there is anything at the top of my list of gratitude, it's that I'm in the process and have committed to stay the course in doing work that is about getting really real about all of the negative emotions while simultaneously refusing to stay stuck there.

Okay, then. Now I'm off to arrange for trash disposal service, hit up the post office, take some phone appointments, teach a 3-hour night class, and collapse back in bed at the end of it all. And again the old habits rise up of how I"don't wanna..."...so I wonder what game I'll choose to play, next.

This moment, now--ready, set, here!